Is your Cell Phone Killing your Intimacy?

Are you addicted to your cell phone? Do you go to bed with it at night, and wake up with it in the morning?

Technology is a part of life, and it can be such an amazing tool that can really enhance your life, but what happens when it starts to do the opposite? Can you tell if you really are addicted, and if it's killing the intimacy in your relationship?

In this week’s post I’m going to share signs that you should look for to help you identify cell phone addiction, ways to kill the addiction so you can enhance the intimacy in your relationship, and ways to talk to your partner if you suspect they are the one who's addicted to their phone.

According to PsychGuides.com, 90% of adults in America own a cell phone, and 67% of smartphone users have admitted to checking their phones when it didn't even ring or vibrate.

So if everyone has one, and we're all using them, you might be wondering, "what's the big deal??"

l'll admit I love my iPhone - I love having it with me so that I can easily capture memories through videos and photos of my kids, family, and friends. I love scrolling through social media to see what my family and friends are up to, and I love that I have this really awesome tool available at my fingertips to look up whatever information I need, when I need it. I used it just a second ago to find that statistic I shared with you.

You don't need me to tell you all of the amazing benefits of these tiny computers we're all carrying around.

But I have noticed a major trend in my practice - I would say about 75% of the couples l'm working with have at one point stated that their partner's cell phone usage has gotten on their nerves, caused fights, or made them feel isolated or alone, and I think that's a big deal. 

So while your phone can help you connect with people across the world, that's doing little for your relationship with the person sitting right next to you.

There's a lot of new research coming out about the way technology is impacting our kids and their development. I hear a lot of adults stressing over limiting screen time for their kids, but the truth is, it starts with the examples we lead as adults. 

I'm sure you've seen some of these memes on social media:

So how can you tell if you or your partner is addicted to your cell phone?

While excessive smartphone use is still not recognized as a standalone diagnosis in the DSM-5-TR, researchers continue to study problematic smartphone use and technology overuse because of their impact on mental health, sleep, attention, and relationships. Rather than focusing on whether someone's behavior meets the criteria for an addiction, I encourage couples to ask a more practical question: "Is our technology use bringing us closer together or pulling us further apart?"

Some of the things you should be aware of come from a comparison to gambling addiction which is behavioral and was added to the DSM's most recent edition. The criteria include:

1. A need to use the cell phone more and more often in order to achieve the same desired effect - think about this like a tolerance to any substance

2. Failed attempts try to stop using, or to use the phone less 

3. Preoccupation with smartphone use

4. Turning to your phone when experiencing unwanted feelings like anxiety or depression

5. Excessive use to the point of experiencing a loss of time

6. The need for the newest cell phone or apps

7. Feelings of withdrawal when your cell phone is unreachable - You might feel anger, depression, irritability, or restlessness.

PsychGuides.com has a great little self-assessment that you can do to see if you’re really addicted to your phone. You don't have to exhibit all 7 of the signs I listed either, you only need 4 out of those to consider it a true addiction. 

And maybe you don't even have 4, but have heard your partner complain about your cell phone usage? If that is the case, a change in your behavior might be in order, because it doesn't necessarily need to be a full-blown addiction to impact the intimacy in your relationship.

Ok so now that we've established that, let's talk about ways to change these behaviors so you can increase the intimacy between you and your partner, and stop looking like this: 

Quitting anything cold turkey is almost impossible, and since you really want to create lasting change, I recommend the following instead: 

One of the best things you can do is create sectioned off parts of your life that are free from technology, that you can also designate as time with your partner.

It's easiest to do this by associating this time with things you already do everyday. For example, eating, getting ready for bed, watching TV or a movie together. 

Designating those as cell phone free times will be helpful, and the more you do it and get those good hormones going in your brain from the increased connection with your partner, the easier it will get.

You can also create new rituals of connection with your partner, like a 15-minute check-in at the end of the day where you sit on the patio or couch (all phone free of course) and have a conversation about your day. 

So what if you feel like you’re ok with putting your phone down, but are irritated by your partner’s excessive usage? 

In this case, the first thing you need to do is keep leading by example. In addition to that, having a conversation, not in the moment - I mean not immediately after you get upset with them for ignoring you once again while they scroll through their IG feed. This conversation should take place at a neutral time when both of you are feeling good and not flooded. 

This conversation should include “I-statements.” Let your partner know how it feels when you are being ignored because they are on the phone excessively. Name the feeling for your partner - I feel sad, alone, isolated, etc. and then make a request. Ask for cell phone free time during specific activities or let them know you really want to have a check-in time every day and want it to be screen free. After you have that conversation give them grace as they adjust, and gently remind them if you see them pick up their phone during a cell phone free time. Shaming and criticism is definitely not the route to take when asking for you partner to change behavior. 

Update: Six Years Later… It's Not Just Our Phones Anymore

When I first wrote this article in 2020, I couldn't have predicted just how much our relationship with technology would change.

Back then we were talking about social media, texting, and the occasional distraction. Today, our phones are designed to capture and keep our attention. Between endless scrolling, short-form videos, AI-generated content, streaming, gaming, work emails, and constant notifications, many of us spend nearly every free moment looking at a screen.

In my therapy office, I still hear the same complaint I heard six years ago:

"I don't think my partner is choosing their phone over me... but it feels that way."

That's what makes this issue so painful.

The problem isn't usually the phone itself. It's the repeated experience of reaching for connection and finding your partner emotionally unavailable instead.

Intimacy isn't built during grand romantic gestures. It's built through hundreds of tiny moments every single day. Looking up when your partner starts talking. Laughing together over dinner. Sitting in silence without feeling the need to fill every empty moment with a screen. Holding eye contact for just a little longer before bed.

Every time those moments are interrupted by a notification, a quick scroll, or "just one more video," we lose a small opportunity to strengthen the relationship.

I've also noticed something else in my work with couples. Many people tell me they're using their phones because they're exhausted, overwhelmed, or simply trying to decompress after a stressful day. That makes complete sense. Our nervous systems naturally seek relief.

The problem is that what feels relaxing in the moment doesn't always leave us feeling restored. Many people finish 45 minutes of scrolling feeling more disconnected, more anxious, and less emotionally available than when they picked up the phone.

Instead of asking, "How much time am I spending on my phone?" try asking a different question:

Who gets the best version of my attention?

Does your partner receive the leftovers after your work, social media, texts, and emails? Or do they receive moments of genuine presence throughout the day?

You don't have to throw your phone away to improve your relationship. Often the smallest changes create the biggest shifts. Leave your phones in another room during dinner. Take a walk together without them. Spend the first fifteen minutes after work reconnecting before checking notifications. Put your phones away thirty minutes before bed and simply talk, cuddle, or unwind together.

These moments may seem insignificant, but over time they become the foundation of emotional intimacy.

If your relationship has begun to feel more like two people sharing a house than two people sharing a life, it may not be because you've fallen out of love. You may simply have stopped giving each other your undivided attention.

Presence is one of the greatest gifts we can offer the people we love. In a world that's constantly competing for our attention, choosing your partner—even for a few uninterrupted minutes each day—is one of the most powerful ways to nurture your relationship.

If you and your partner have reached the point where it feels like you're living more like roommates than romantic partners, or if distractions, resentment, and emotional disconnection have slowly replaced the closeness you once shared, you don't have to figure it out on your own.

Technology is rarely the only problem, but it often becomes a symptom of a relationship that has stopped feeling emotionally safe, connected, or fulfilling. The good news is that these patterns can be changed. With the right support, couples can learn how to reconnect, rebuild trust, and create new ways of relating that feel deeply satisfying.

If you're ready to stop putting your relationship on the back burner and start creating meaningful change, I invite you to schedule a complimentary phone consultation. We'll talk about what's happening in your relationship, whether a couples intensive is the right fit for your situation, and what the next steps could look like. Couples intensives offer the opportunity to make significant progress in just a few days, rather than stretching the work out over months of weekly sessions.

Your relationship deserves more than the leftover moments between notifications. If you're ready to give each other your full attention again, I'd love to help you begin that journey.

Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps couples heal after infidelity, years of resentment, and the exhaustion of feeling stuck in the same painful patterns.

Her work helps partners begin to understand each other again, rebuild appreciation, and create lasting change with a focused, supportive approach. Alicia uses brain based techniques, including Brainspotting and ketamine assisted psychotherapy, in an intensive format that gives couples more room to heal without the start and stop of weekly sessions.

Learn more about Alicia’s work with affair recovery intensives, relationship therapy, and ketamine therapy, or visit her About page.