Questions to Ask Yourself Before Starting Relationship Therapy

Starting relationship therapy can feel like a big step.

Sometimes people reach out after a major rupture — an affair, a blow-up fight, the word “divorce” being said out loud for the first time.
Other times it’s quieter than that. A slow drifting apart. Feeling more like roommates than partners. A subtle loneliness that sneaks in even when you’re sitting right next to each other on the couch.

Whatever brings you here, one thing I’ve noticed over the years is this:

Self-reflection strengthens therapy outcomes.

In almost every phone consultation I have, the conversation starts with some version of this question:

What do you want to get out of therapy?

How will you know it’s working?
What tangible changes would tell you things are improving?
What would feel different in your body, your home, your relationship?

The therapeutic relationship absolutely helps deepen self-awareness. That’s part of the work. But it’s incredibly helpful to come in with at least a little clarity about what kind of support you’re looking for.

If you’re considering therapy, here are some questions to ask before therapy begins — gentle prompts to help you look inward and get honest with yourself.

Questions About Yourself

Before we focus on your partner or the relationship dynamic, start here.

With you.

Because you’re the one thing you actually have control over.

What patterns keep repeating in my relationships?
Do you tend to pursue when your partner withdraws? Shut down when conflict starts? Over-function? People-please? Feel “too much” or “not enough”?
If the same arguments keep happening with different people, there’s usually something deeper asking to be understood.

If you want a deeper look into how patterns form and what they mean in relationships, this guide can give helpful context:
👉 Relationship Therapy: A Complete Guide to Healing Patterns, Communication, and Connection.

What am I afraid will happen if things don’t change?
Sometimes fear is the clearest motivator.
Are you afraid of divorce? Of settling? Of becoming resentful? Of losing yourself?
Naming the fear often clarifies what really matters.

How do I typically respond when I feel hurt?
Do you get louder… or quieter?
Do you criticize… or disappear?
Do you try harder… or give up?
Your protective strategies probably made sense at some point in your life. Therapy helps you understand where they came from — and whether they’re still serving you.

Questions About Your Relationship

Once you’ve looked inward, widen the lens.

What do I want more of?
More laughter? More physical touch? More teamwork? More emotional safety?
It’s easy to talk about what’s wrong. It’s harder (and more helpful) to get specific about what you want instead.

What feels missing?
Connection? Trust? Respect? Fun?
Sometimes couples aren’t fighting constantly — they just feel numb or distant. That absence matters too.

If you resonate with that “roommate” feeling, that’s an important thing to name before therapy — and it’s a theme we explore in depth in some of my other writing.

Where do we get stuck?
Every couple has a pattern.

I often call it a dance.

The beginning looks the same.
The middle looks the same.
And somehow the ending is always the same too.

Maybe one of you brings something up, the other gets defensive, voices get louder, someone shuts down, and you both go to bed disconnected.

Different topic. Same dance.

What does your dance look like?

Naming the pattern is the first step toward changing it.

Questions About Readiness

This section is the one people skip.

And honestly, it’s the most important.

Therapy isn’t about proving who’s right.

Coming to therapy hoping the therapist will side with you is a recipe for frustration.
Coming in hoping the therapist will punish your partner for what they’ve done isn’t effective either.

Real change asks something harder.

Am I willing to look inward?

Because at some point, the focus will gently turn back to you.

Am I open to changing my reactions?
Even if your partner doesn’t change right away?

Am I open to looking at my past — my family of origin, old wounds, or previous traumas — that might be shaping how I show up today?

Our current relationships often activate very old stories.

Therapy helps untangle them.

Am I ready to commit to healing?

Meaning real time and energy.

Most meaningful therapy isn’t quick.
A realistic timeframe for change is often six months to a year of consistent work.

Not because you’re broken — but because nervous systems, habits, and attachment patterns take time to shift.

A Gentle Next Step

If you’re asking yourself these questions, you’re probably already closer to ready than you think.

You don’t have to have everything figured out before starting.

But a little self-reflection goes a long way.

If you’d like space to talk through your answers, I’m always happy to explore that with you during a consultation. We can look at what’s feeling stuck, what you want to feel different, and what kind of support might fit best for you and your relationship.

No pressure — just clarity.

Sometimes that first conversation is simply about understanding what you need.

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Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is the owner of Rancho Counseling and has been helping couples and individuals heal relationship patterns since 2008. She specializes in intensive, brain-based therapy—including Brainspotting and Ketamine-Assisted Therapy—for infidelity recovery, trauma, anxiety, and relationship crossroads. Alicia helps clients move beyond talking and into real change.
Ready to create a relationship you actually want to come home to? Book a consultation.
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Feeling Like You’re the Only One Trying: How Relationship Therapy Supports You Even When Your Partner Won’t Change

You know exactly how this is going to go, because you and your partner have been stuck in the same cycle on repeat for far too long.

You’re going to bring something up that hurts or upsets you. They’re going to get defensive and make you feel like you’re overreacting. You’ll feel conflicted—part of you wishing you never said anything, and another part of you exhausted from staying quiet. You’ll try to explain yourself again, hoping this time they’ll finally hear you. But they won’t. They never do.

Instead, they’ll focus on the fact that you’re getting loud and completely miss the point of the conversation. That will infuriate you even more. And then they’ll leave—emotionally, physically, or both.

You’ve done this more times than you can count, and you’re so tired.

You feel resentful and lonely because you’re the only one reading articles, listening to relationship podcasts, and actively trying to improve the relationship. You send reels and videos, hoping something will finally click for them—hoping they’ll wake up and want to work on things too. And underneath all of that effort is a quieter, scarier question:

What happens if they don’t?

You might be telling yourself that this means the relationship is over. Maybe you’ve talked about couples therapy, but your partner only agrees in the heat of an argument, with no real follow-through once things calm down.

But what if you did something different?

What if you listened to your intuition?

Even if you can’t get your partner to show up for therapy, that doesn’t mean you can’t get support—or that meaningful change is off the table. Relationship therapy can be deeply effective, even when you’re the only one in the room.

Why This Dynamic Happens

The truth is, you’re not stuck in these cycles simply because your partner “can’t figure it out.” You also have patterns that are playing a role. It takes two to tango, and when the same fight keeps showing up—different day, same outcome—attachment wounds are usually at play.

While everyone’s attachment wounds show up differently, things like avoidance, shutdown, and defensiveness often emerge when there’s a perceived threat. These reactions aren’t about logic—they’re about protection.

The way you approach your partner may not be threatening at all. But their nervous system interprets it as danger, and their response is shaped by their own attachment history. At the same time, the way you respond to their shutdown or defensiveness is influenced by your attachment wounds too.

Both of you are reacting to old, unconscious patterns—and without awareness, the cycle just keeps reinforcing itself.

How Relationship Therapy Supports You

When you feel like your partner won’t change, it’s natural to focus your energy on trying to get them to see things differently. All those TikToks and podcasts you send? They’re an attempt to change how your partner responds to you.

But the real shift happens when the focus moves away from controlling your partner and toward empowering yourself.

Relationship therapy helps you work with the only person you actually have control over—you.

In therapy, you begin to identify your emotional triggers and understand your part in the conflict cycle. You learn regulation tools that create real, noticeable changes in how you show up—internally and relationally. You start to rebuild boundaries, strengthen your sense of self-worth, and reconnect with your inner knowing.

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about gaining clarity and agency.

Why Change Still Happens—Even If They Don’t Join You

From a systems perspective, when one person changes, the entire relationship shifts.

Imagine being so connected to your intuition and grounded in yourself that you enter conversations calm, clear, and regulated. When your partner becomes defensive, you no longer feel the urge to raise your voice or repeat yourself in hopes of being understood. Instead, you express your needs clearly and make requests without losing yourself in the process.

That kind of change doesn’t just affect you—it alters the dynamic.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

In a recent intensive, I worked with someone whose partner had cheated. They were seriously considering ending the relationship, but another part of them wanted to stay and see if healing was possible. The conflict cycle between them felt suffocating.

During our time together, we identified their role in the cycle, worked through significant attachment trauma, and created a clear list of boundaries and requests they needed in order to continue the relationship.

Before the intensive, they shared that even thinking about making those requests made them feel sick. Growing up, they were never allowed to make things about themselves. Doing so was considered selfish and unacceptable.

In our post-intensive interview, they described something very different. They felt no shame in expressing their needs. No guilt in naming their boundaries. That internal shift alone created a profound change in their relationship—regardless of whether their partner had “fully changed” yet.

A Gentle Invitation to Go Deeper

If you’re feeling like you’re the only one trying, I want you to hear this clearly: you don’t have to wait for your partner to change in order to begin healing.

A Relationship Intensive for One is designed for people who are ready to step out of the exhausting cycle, understand their attachment wounds, and make meaningful shifts—even if their partner isn’t willing or able to participate right now. This work is focused, supportive, and deeply personalized, allowing you to create change from the inside out.

If you’d like a broader understanding of how this kind of work fits into relationship healing as a whole, you may find it helpful to read my pillar post, Relationship Therapy: A Complete Guide to Healing Patterns, Communication, and Connection, which explores the many ways relationship therapy can support growth, clarity, and connection.

If your intuition is nudging you toward doing something different—something that centers you—I invite you to explore whether a Relationship Intensive for One might be the next right step. You don’t need permission to begin healing. You just need a place to start. Click here to book a free consultation and we can talk about whether this is the next best step for you.

When work causes Anxiety

Do you ever get a pit in your stomach when you think about going to work? Or meeting with your boss or a potential client? 

Your palms might get sweaty, your throat might feel dry, you might feel nauseous or get that sinking or butterfly feeling in your stomach.

Over the last couple of months these are some of the anxiety symptoms I’ve helped clients clear with Brainspotting. Most of these difficult symptoms cleared after just one session.

One. Session.

Think about that…   

Have you ever had trouble sleeping the night before a big meeting? 

They don’t call it the “Sunday Scaries” for nothing - it’s a pretty widely accepted thing to feel anxious on Sunday about the work week ahead.

But what happens when you absolutely can’t go to work because your anxiety and panic is just too high?

It might seem extreme, but I’ve known plenty of people to take leaves of absences, or stress leaves from work.

When I worked in county mental health, stress leaves were just part of the culture. 

But I’m here to tell you, that is not normal!

You don’t have to accept that! You should feel confidant, calm, collected, level headed, and ready to tackle whatever your boss has to say, or whatever the project has in store for you. 

We’ve all got to make money, my friend.

{I’m still waiting for that distant, filthy, rich aunt, or uncle to leave me millions in their will too}

But making money shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental health.

You also don’t have to be in an intense, high stress type of job to experience work-related anxiety. 

Many times the stress and angst people experience is actually rooted in feelings of not being good enough, not producing enough, or just not being enough. Most of those underlying beliefs come from family of origin or childhood.

When we help clients find a brainspot and do some deep, focused processing, those old beliefs move from the hind-brain (where they produce mostly involuntary bodily responses) to the prefrontal cortex, and no longer produce physical, fight or flight symptoms.

I'm talking heading to the office singing to the music all the way there, sitting in a meeting with your thoughts cool, calm and collected, being asked questions and responding without a quiver in your voice, or a second guess, feeling grounded and in your power. 

These are just a few of the ways my clients have described feeling after their Brainspotting sessions, and this could be you too! 

Does this sound like something you’d like? Do you want to feel more joy, presence, and confidence at work? 

 You can request a free 15-minute phone consultation and our intake coordinator will answer all of your questions about the process, and get you booked with one of our therapists to have you on your way to less Sunday Scarries, and more presence and ability to focus on whatever you’d like to be enjoying instead!

Will Marriage Counseling Help?

This is one of the top searches on google. Most people want to know if something will work before they invest their time and energy into it. It’s the reason sites like Yelp are so popular and customer reviews are the most read part of product information. 

Marriage counseling absolutely does help but under certain conditions. 

Here are 3 things that will give you much better results from marriage counseling: 

1. Seeing a therapist that is an actual marriage specialist.

Finding a couples therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, CA can be tough - it’s hard to find the right therapist in any area (I’m speaking from personal experience - it took me 6 months to find my therapist and I”m a therapist who knows what to look for!). 

But if you wanted an eye exam you would see an ophthalmologist, not a podiatrist. You also wouldn’t see a generalist. 

In our practice we have one main focus: couples. Through our education and training we have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but have come to find that working with couples is our forte, and it’s what we are most passionate about. Because we have dedicated our practice to working with couples it means that all of our continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that we can in this subject area, and we have attended many, many trainings that can help us be better clinicians in this exact area. 

This is what you want to look for, not Suzy Save’em-all who specializes in everything A-Z and takes a new training every other month based on whatever she needs to learn to help clients she’s feeling stuck with. 

2. You attend sessions frequently and for an optimal amount of time. 

At Rancho Counseling we recommend weekly therapy, and tell couples to plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

3. You and your partner show up and are ready to work. Many people make the mistake of thinking the therapist is going to do the work for them, and that just by showing up their relationship will be fixed. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. 

You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

If you discover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

If you have any questions about how couples therapy can help, or just general questions about therapy, ask away! I LOVE hearing from you! Leave a comment below or schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.  

Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!