Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. At least that’s how the saying goes, right? In my line of work I’m often the one doing the questioning, but I also get lots of questions from clients and professionals and one that comes up a great deal is, is this saying true?

My short answer is no, but then of course I have a lengthier version, which I will share with you today, and that is - it really depends. It depends on the reasoning behind the infidelity that will determine if the person will cheat again.

If someone is cheating because they are addicted to the excitement of being caught, or they are addicted to the spark of new romance, they may continually seek out affairs to find that spark, and to put themselves in a place of secrecy. While I’ve said that most people cheat in order to feel alive, and to rekindle life within themselves that they’ve lost in their relationship, I think this is different than what I previously described.

Although most people cheat to feel excitement, being addicted to that excitement is very different than seeking outside of your relationship to find something you’ve lost that you likely once had.

When people take the time to understand themselves and put in the work necessary to understand what lead them to stray outside of their relationship, it’s not likely that they will do it again. But the key is really that they’ve done the work. They’ve shown up, they’ve looked at themselves, they’ve looked at their relationship, and they’ve found understanding and insight into their motives for straying. And that of course is as intensive as it sounds. It takes work.

While the infidelity may have caused their relationship to end, someone who cheats still has to take themselves with them into their next relationship, and unless they’ve taken a good hard look at themselves, they are likely to continue in a similar fashion.

There’s often a misconception that if the relationship ends after infidelity, that’s the end of it. The person just wasn’t happy, they looked outside of their relationship to have something fulfilled, and it ultimately ended up killing their relationship, and they must then move on.

Many times infidelity can be the best thing that happens to a relationship. While I’d never wish it on anyone, nor is it something I suggest you do, it gets couples talking in a way they haven’t in many years, if ever. It serves as a wake-up call, and marks the start of a new, different relationship with the same partner. It definitely takes couples a long time to get to the point of seeing this, but it happens, and the new relationship that couples create following infidelity is one that is often more fulfilling, more intimate, and connected.

You can never “cheat-proof” any relationship, but it’s much less likely to happen again if both partners are truly invested in finding understanding for themselves and one another, and have a commitment to do things differently as they move forward. Once a cheater, not always a cheater is what I say, but that’s because I’ve been across the couch, asking the tough questions, and helping my clients find understanding.

If you could use some help sorting things out after infidelity, and could use a nonjudgmental third party, I’d love to help. Feel free to contact me at (909) 226-6124, and we can talk about ways therapy can help you understand yourself and your relationship. If your partner has recently been unfaithful, and you're struggling to figure out what to do next, click here to download my free guide on communicating after infidelity. 

Guaranteed satisfaction between the Sheets

Do you ever wonder what two couples therapists talk about when they have lunch together? I assume the title of this post gave you hint! We don’t talk about clients as much as people think, in fact it’s kind of rare unless we happen to be doing a more formal clinical consultation, and getting strategic advice.

We talk about our own relationships, and how we are practicing what we preach, how we might be falling short (it happens, we are human too), and how to make improvements. While that might seem like a therapy session, it’s far from it. But in talking about our own relationships with our husbands, I shared what I though was a common tip for satisfaction in the bedroom with my friend and fellow couples expert, Robyn D’Angelo, that made her jaw drop! She then insisted on me writing this post.

She had so many follow up questions about this technique, and we just had so much fun talking about it and how it really does create maximum satisfaction for both partners in bed, and so I just had to share it with you. So what am I talking about?

It has little to do with sex, and more to do with your actual bed. My pro tip is for each of you to have your own blanket in bed. Jaw dropping, I know! But really, it happens to be something that my hubby and I discovered a long time ago, and it made a huge difference for us.

In the beginning of a relationship one blanket is fine. In the beginning you get in bed and talk, and cuddle, and maybe even fall asleep in each other’s arms. In the beginning, you ignore the fact that your arm’s been numb every night for a week because your partner falls asleep on it and you can’t bare to wake them, so you just deal with that feeling of pins and needles until you drift off to sleep. But let’s just be real – after a while that routine changes, and as you gain a different level of comfort with your partner, you start to search for more comfort in bed.

When you reach that glorious time in your relationship where you feel comfy enough to retreat to your own side of the bed and actually regain your interest in sleeping, other things begin to happen that prevent a great night’s sleep. Your one giant comforter somehow becomes the size of hand towel once the lights are out. You spend the night wrestling for a corner of that blanket in order to regain your warmth and sleep. Not an ideal situation.

So I pose the idea of two blankets. You’ve heard how important sleep is, right? I’ll save you the statistics, but we Americans aren’t doing so hot at catching all the zzz’s we need. You and your honey might also have very different opinions regarding temperature. One of you is always cold, and the other is like a furnace, and that one blanket you’re trying to share is probably not meeting both your needs. Get what feels lovely to you, and let your partner pick out their own blanket that equals perfection to them.

You may be wondering if this two-blanket concept hinders connection, and as a therapist who focuses on ways to bring couples together, I have to say no. Nothing makes for better connection than being well rested. When you experience that deep, uninterrupted sleep, even if you aren’t a morning person, you’ll be more apt to dole out the love instead of a dirty look because you didn’t spend the night in a wrestling match.

Get a second blanket, and designate it your own, snuggle before you’re too tired, and retreat to your side after you’ve spent some time savoring those precious moments together, and resolve to wake up feeling better and more rested. You’ll then be able to focus on more important things like talking back to your partner when they talk in their sleep – or maybe that’s just me ;)

If you’ve got more than just a blanket issue that’s keeping you up at night, and are looking for more support navigating this whole relationship thing, I’d love to help. You can call me at (909) 226-6124 for a free phone consultation and we can talk about ways that couple’s therapy might benefit you and your partner. If you haven’t already, check out my friend Robyn D’Angelo’s new website. She’s got some amazing videos and great stuff to help you create an epic relationship!

Why do people cheat?

I just wrapped up a podcast interview, and I was asked by the host a question that I get asked a lot – why do people cheat? In my practice I work with 3 groups of clients:

The first group are the men and women who have cheated, and they are looking to understand why they did what they did, and they’re also trying to understand the loss of their relationship and start over.

The second group are the couples where one partner has cheated, but they’ve resolved to stick together for the time being and see if they can repair their relationship.

The third group are the men or women who have been injured by their partner’s cheating, and for whatever reason their partner isn’t willing to come to therapy with them, and they are trying to make sense of what’s happened and make the best decisions about how to move forward whether that be with or without their partner.

No matter which group the client falls into, they inevitably ask me why? Why would my partner do this to me? Why would my partner risk what we have for a temporary fling, or a long-term relationship with someone else without first just breaking up our marriage?

I’ll start with the caveat that I’m not a researcher, but of course I have my own observations from what I see in my practice, and I read the research. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons, and it happens in all demographics – men cheat, women cheat, people in their 50’s cheat, and so do people in their 20’s and 30’s.

When I break it down to the smallest common denominator, and really get to the bottom of the reasoning I’d say they do it because it makes them feel alive in some way. It’s exciting. It brings out parts of them that have become dormant during the course of their marriage, although it doesn’t always appear that way looking at it on the outside.

When you look at it in a more broad sense, a man can be cheating on his wife because he’s not satisfied with their relationship – and it doesn’t always have to be the sexual relationship. It could be that he’s not happy because things have become stagnant, they aren’t talking about what’s important and they aren't connecting in a way that breeds intimacy. 

This man may be doing things just to appease his wife because he doesn’t want to deal with her controlling nature, or her nagging him and so he’s become quiet in some way, he’s become inauthentic and no longer true to himself and he meets this other woman at just the right time, and this other women makes those parts of him come alive.

Cheating can also come from a sense of loss. A woman may cheat after she’s lost something or someone – she may have lost a parent, or her sense of freedom as she’s become a parent herself. Through this experience of loss there are parts of her that she’s also lost and so she is looking to feel alive, and an affair creates a sense of life within her.

Cheating is also much easier than a long-term marriage. It can be all the fun parts of the beginning of a relationship that bring about that rush of emotions and euphoria that comes along with newness, and there’s no dealing with juggling the kid’s carpool or sports schedules. There is a freedom that comes along with an isolated relationship that exists only in those few hours in which both parties can sneak away.

While every couple and every situation is different and it may look very different on the outside, inside people are trying to feel more alive in some way. I am in no way condoning cheating as a mechanism of coping, however in order to do this work, I have to “get it,” and find understanding without judgment.

If you are struggling to make sense of an infidelity, I’d love to help. You can contact me for a free phone consultation at (909) 226-6124 and I’d be happy to help you begin the healing process.

If you have recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, and are wondering what you should do next, click here to get my free guide, "My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity," it will help you take the right steps after such a life-altering discovery and learn what to do in order to have effective communication. 

When using ultimatums Backfires

“If he doesn’t propose by Valentine’s Day, I’m leaving!”

“If you talk to her one more time, this relationship is over!”

“If you don’t come to therapy with me, I’ll know you don’t care, and so I’ll have no choice but to move out.”

As a therapist my role is not to give advice. I help my clients come to their own decision about where they want to go in their relationships and I like to think of therapy as a road trip where the client is in the driver seat, and I’m in the passenger seat with the map. They tell me where they want to go and I hear their input and direct them using the best route.

I undoubtedly get direct questions though when people are unsatisfied with their relationships like, “do you think I should give him (or her) an ultimatum?” and while I do my best to avoid giving my direct opinion, there are definitely times when I want to give a straight answer – no (but it depends).

It depends on the status and history of your relationship. It depends on what behavior you are looking to diminish by giving said ultimatum. It depends on how destructive said behavior is. Ultimately it really depends on your willingness to follow through with your end of the ultimatum, and that’s where, if it’s not carried out right, it can truly backfire.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship where you just aren’t being treated the way you deserve, there really isn’t any reason to wait until your partner disrespects you one more time in order to force you to leave. Instead, check in with what’s going right, and with what’s causing you to have one foot out the door. Compare the pro and con lists; are the cons things that go against your values? Is there forward movement in repairing those issues?

Giving a blanket ultimatum and threatening to leave the relationship when things get tough doesn’t elicit trust or confidence. Some people threaten to leave over minor things just to get their partner’s attention, and this is really unhealthy due to the insecurity it elicits.

In many cases, having a true heart to heart conversation with your partner can be much more impactful than giving an ultimatum.

There are cases in which you can be totally invested in the relationship, and just not feeling the same from your partner, and so giving an ultimatum for them to work towards repairing a huge point of contention in your relationship as a last and final effort on your part can be beneficial. With that said, be prepared to follow through with your end of the ultimatum.

If you’re serious about getting over the hump and having your partner on the same page, and express this with an ultimatum it should be time sensitive and something you’ve truly thought out. Make your expectations clear and measurable, and do so in a respectable way – a conversation in which you’re clear headed and able to speak without letting your emotions take over is best.

Follow through. If you are considering an ultimatum, think about what it will be like to follow through. What will that mean for you and the status of your relationship? If you’re threatening to leave, do you have a place to go? Make plans ahead of time so that you are able to follow through in a reasonable amount of time.

Without follow through an ultimatum is useless, so consider other ways to repair the damage in your relationship before heading in that direction. Think about your goal, and reflect on other options. Counseling is a great option when things become stagnant in your personal life. Having a neutral party to help you to move in the right direction and provide that roadmap you need, can be extremely valuable. If it’s something you’re considering, I’d love to hear from you, and help you find a therapist that’s right for you (909) 226-6124. 

Coping with Grief & Loss

A large part of my job is hearing of the struggles and losses of others and helping them heal and overcome those losses. Part of that healing comes from understanding what is normal and to be expected in certain situations.

I feel as though I am personally in a season of loss, and haven’t gone more than a few weeks without hearing of someone I care about losing a loved one. Grief is thick and strong and whether it is grief that comes from the loss of a relationship, or the loss of someone to illness or tragedy, it has varying shades, and the stages are the same.

I have been asked how I can help others if I haven’t experienced the situations that they are going through, and my answer is always the same: no two people experience the same thing in the same way, however I have experienced the emotions that come along with the different situations that I help others through.

I know sadness, loss, pain, and grief, and I also know joy, love, happiness, and connection. The other answer I typically give when posed with this question is: You don’t see cancer doctor because they’ve also had cancer, but you see them because they understand the science and steps that will help you heal.

No one can know exactly what a loss may look and feel like for you, however there are 5 common stages of grief that have been outlined and studied by Swiss Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross that are well known and used by many helpers and healers and understanding where you are in terms of these stages helps normalize the situation and know what to expect. The common acronym for the 5 stages is, DABDA:

1.     Denial: in the face of a loss, the first reaction is denial that this could possibly happen. Denial is, “this isn’t happening,” “this can’t be happening,” “there must be some sort of misunderstanding or mistake,” “we can fix this.” It usually lasts only a short time, because it is difficult to deny the outward indications of what is happening.

2.     Anger: when denial no longer works, many people move to anger. Anger is, “Why would she be in that spot at that time, doesn’t’ she know how dangerous it is!?” “I can’t stand him anyway,” “I can’t believe God let this happen!” “How could I have let this happen? I can’t even look at myself right now.” People become angry at the person they’ve lost, others involved for causing the loss, or themselves for not doing something to prevent the loss.

3.     Bargaining: in this stage people sometimes bargain with God, or themselves in order to reverse the loss or impending loss. Bargaining is, “please God, just bring them back, and I swear I’ll live a better lifestyle,” “If I could just have one more moment with that person, I know I can save them, and our relationship,” This is seen more in situations that are less severe such as the loss of a job, but can occur in all types of losses.

4.     Depression: in this stage, the person experiences depression, and may stop doing daily activities. They may refuse to leave the house or have visitors and have much less energy. It’s also common for people in this stage to question life and the reason for moving forward if they too are going to die someday, or be met with the loss of another job, romantic relationship, or friendship.

5.     Acceptance: in this final stage, the person comes to accept the loss, and begins to make peace and resolves to move forward and find ways to commemorate their time with a person they’ve lost. Acceptance is, “this is happening, and my relationship is over, but I will move forward and look for what I truly want in my next relationship,” “although I’ve lost my mom, her legacy will love on in me, and I will teach my own children the lessons she taught me.”

Although these stages are presented in a logical order, it’s common for you to go back and forth between the stages. There is no set length for each stage, however if you are in the depression stage for longer than 2 months after the loss of a loved one and feel as though you are unable to get out of that sadness, have difficulty sleeping, and experience weight loss and low energy, this is a sign of Major Depression and you should seek the help of a therapist, psychiatrist, or consult your physician.

Depression symptoms after divorce, break-up, or losing a job that are lasting longer than one month can also be cause for concern, and the same advice applies.

It’s not possible to remove the various trials, peaks and valleys from our lives, but it is possible to find better ways to cope. If you are having difficulty coping with a recent loss, I’m here to help point you in the right direction and you can contact me at (909)226-6124 for a free phone consultation and we can talk about ways you start to feel better and pull yourself out of grief.