Should you go to bed angry?

Let's bust a big fat myth today…

I’m sure you’ve heard that the best way to have a great marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

It’s concerning to me that couples will literally stay up all night going around and around with the same argument because they are trying to stick to this rule. 

I dunno about you but that sounds like a one-way ticket to complete exhaustion and a week of trying to make up for lost sleep. 

This rule is damaging because it doesn’t take into account the amount of damage that can be done by continuing to fight when you’re dysregulated. It doesn’t take into account the quality of communication that you’re having. You could be yelling, throwing things, name calling, and giving the silent treatment.

When couples start working with us not only do they learn how to regulate their emotions, but they understand their body’s warning signals that tell them when they are starting to become dysregulated. 

They learn how to call time-outs and how to respect one another’s requests to stop.  They learn how to return to the conversation when they are feeling more in control of their emotions. 

Our couples learn how to have conflict and still feel connected and loving. 

They don’t turn into enemies and they actually come to agreements about the things they are fighting about. 

There’s no more pushing things under the rug, walking on eggshells, or silent treatment. 

If you want to stop having marathon fights and learn how to improve your communication…

Click HERE and book your free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you started with a couples expert and help you stop the marathon fights that go nowhere. 

Ketamine Therapy VS Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy

Ketamine clinics are popping up all over California. The research is exciting. It reports immediate relief from treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, and PTSD. 

Most people experience immediate relief. But, these reports often overlook the importance of integration as an ongoing process.  This is truly what creates lasting change. 

Ketamine Therapy is the process of receiving Ketamine. You can administer it through an IV, a lozenge, or nasal spray. Most Ketamine clinics provide a medical evaluation prior to treatment. Then, the patient arrives and the drug is administered. 

Ketamine remains in the system for 45 minutes to 2 hours. During this time, the person feels sedated and has an internal psychedelic experience. Once the experience is over, a chaperone will wheel the patient out to drive them home. 

Without appropriate integration, the experience is just an experience. It can be difficult to process the learnings from the experience. It can be difficult to allow them to permeate everyday life. 

Why Choose KAP?

Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) is more fully supported. The emphasis and focus are on the preparation, intention setting, and integration processes. 

Much of the research on psychedelic assisted therapy discusses the importance of set and setting. It determines whether a person will experience a positive outcome. I strongly believe that. 

Set refers to the mindset in which a person is in prior to an experience. The setting refers to the physical space and energy surrounding the experience. 

Many people use psychedelics recreationally. The experience is not therapeutic or healing. It is just an experience. 

The Power of Integration

In my work with KAP clients I first seek to know them, their histories, and their goals for treatment. This sets the stage for the work we will do together and it is about trust building. 

Most of my clients have never used any type of recreational drugs. We spend a lot of time preparing for a dosing session. We focus on answering questions. We also discuss the fears and anxieties that naturally come up. 

We also spend a lot of time discussing goals and intentions. I carefully prepare the space for each dosing session. I incorporate aromatherapy and music to enhance each client’s experience. This also helps with integration. 

Ketamine Journeys are 3-hour sessions. We discuss intentions and practice meditation. I help ease the client into the experience. Once the effects of the ketamine wear off there is plenty of time for clients to return to their bodies and process the experience. 

1-3 days following a journey, clients return to my office for an integration session. In this session, we also use aromatherapy. It helps the client remember the learnings they experienced during their journey. We discuss any insights they’ve had. I also use Brainspotting to anchor in the experience. It helps clients return to the places and feelings they’d like to take away from the experience. 

Real Results, Real Transformation

Last week, I shared some of the amazing results my clients are experiencing after just one Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) session. 

Improved sleep, the ability to be present, implementing healthy lifestyle changes, and seeing oneself positively... the list goes on and on. In case you missed that email you can read it here. 

If you’re ready to embark on a transformative journey click the link below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll answer all your questions and make sure it’s right for you. 

Avoiding Conflict in Marriage

Are you avoiding conflict in your marriage? 

The other day, my 6-year-old daughter asked me to do a craft with her. I had a whole list of to-dos that I wanted to get done that day, and I knew if I didn’t get started early, I’d never complete all the things on my list.

She begged and pleaded with me, and I gave in. We made an origami sword that she ended up being obsessed with. She said it made her feel so powerful.

I wish I could say it was a great activity and that it was totally worth pushing off my to-do list for.

But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

She asked me to do a craft WITH her, but I ended up doing it FOR her. She did some cutting and project management, but it was an involved process that included many folds, multiple papers, and a glue gun. It was not something she could have completed on her own.

I begrudgingly folded and glued, and even though she came with excitement and encouragement, I was resentful.

I felt the annoyance radiating through my body, and it didn’t allow me to show up with an open heart. I was short and uninterested. It wasn’t what she deserved. It wasn’t even her fault. It was mine.

I had said yes when I meant no. The entire project took maybe 30 minutes, but the entire time I was distracted thinking about what I needed to get done before we headed out on our camping trip the next day. I was grumpy and didn’t appreciate her enthusiasm and sweetness.

When it was finished, I totally regretted my withdrawn attitude.

That’s not how I want to show up in my relationship with her.

That’s not how any of us should show up in our relationships, but it’s how I see so many couples show up towards one another. When we say yes when we really mean no, it sets us up to feel resentment, and when we feel resentment, it impacts our mood and the way we approach the other person.

I was withdrawn with my daughter and unappreciative of her excitement.

How many times have you begrudgingly attended an event with your partner and looked for any reason not to have a good time? You might drag your feet and show up late or nitpick the food and criticize the company or even your partner. When we say yes when we mean no, it opens us up to act passive-aggressively, and that actually causes more issues in the long run.

So why do we do it?

Most people do it to avoid conflict.

They also do it to avoid disappointing their partner, and sometimes people do it because they are paying amends for something unrelated that’s happened in the relationship. If you feel like you have to go along with whatever your partner wants to do because you made a mistake in the past, then there’s really no amount of good deeds you can do to fix the situation.

You aren’t showing up authentically, and you’re doing a disservice to your partner and to the relationship. It’s usually a sign that you’re not addressing the issue by having open dialogue and saying all that needs to be said to move towards healing. Healing can come from doing your own inner work or working together as a couple.

If you’re ready to start 2024 with a fresh start and get everything out on the table, we’re here. Click the link below and sign up for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a therapist in Temecula, Rancho Cucamonga, online anywhere in California, or explore California couples retreats and intensives. Let's talk about the best way to help you reach your goals and strengthen your relationship.

FAQs about Marriage Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga

Living in or around #RanchoCucamonga is wonderful, there’s so much to see and do in Rancho Cucamonga and the surrounding areas. There is also fantastic shopping and some of the best business in Rancho Cucamonga. But what happens when you and your spouse can’t enjoy all of what the city has to offer because you keep getting into the same ruts in your marriage?

When you know it’s time to see a marriage counselor, you probably begin by googling Marriage Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, and you will find some amazing marriage counselors in Rancho Cucamonga! But the next step isn’t always so clear. You probably have a ton of questions and that is totally normal. 

Not knowing what to ask can make you just stop in your tracks, but it doesn’t have to! I want you to get the best marriage counseling possible and know the answers to some of the most frequently asked questions to help you on your search. 

Here is a list of FAQs that I hear from most clients who call for marriage counseling. I’m including things from conversations we have in our first few sessions and also things I wish clients in my marriage counseling sessions knew about the work: 

Q. What is the fee for marriage counseling sessions? 

A. In my practice, the fee for each 60-minute individual or couples session is $195. The fee for each 90-minute Discernment Counseling session is $295. You will find a range of fees in the area based on length of sessions and the experience of the therapist. 

Q. How often should we come to marriage counseling sessions? 

A. We have found that therapy works best when clients come in weekly. By the time many clients come to therapy they are really ready for a change. Having weekly sessions helps to get the process started, and helps to gain some momentum. Many things can be happening on a daily basis, and having weekly sessions allows opportunity to discuss those things as they happen and leaves less time for things to fester. My therapists continually evaluate the way things are going, and when you begin to feel relief and goals are being met, your therapist will discuss when meetings can become less frequent - typically in the termination phase of therapy.

Some couples prefer to come to marriage counseling every other week or less frequently. In my 16 years of practice working with couples as a marriage counselor, I have found that when couples come in less frequently their sessions become catch-up sessions. They check in and talk about all the things that have gone on during the past two weeks and then we have only a short amount of time to get into the meat of the important learnings and practices that are really going to create lasting change and help the couple reach the goals they set at the beginning of marriage counseling. 

Q. How long should we continue to come to marriage counseling sessions? 

A. Each person and situation is different and most clients come to therapy for 8-20 sessions, but the length of treatment is always up to you and your therapist. The length of treatment is based on the amount of change you want to make, how deep you're hurt is, and how committed you are to making lasting change.

In my practice I tell couples to plan to be in marriage counseling for at least 6 months. This is not an arbitrary number - it is the length of time it takes couples to begin to see lasting change happen. It is about the time the start to understand what is under their behaviors and when they begin to look at their triggers and unresolved trauma. 

In the beginning, marriage counseling helps couples look at their issues from a behavioral standpoint and the satisfaction level increases because the couple is invested in doing the work and they feel hopeful about improving their marriage. They do their homework and show up to marriage counseling sessions and tend to be on their best behavior. But behavior change only lasts for so long and then the couple will find themselves engaging in some of their old patterns and things can feel a bit worse. 

This is the point where my staff and I guide our clients and encourage them to truly lean into the process of marriage counseling. This is the point where the magic happens! It is where we help couples understand why it is so difficult for them to implement the behavioral changes - it typically has to do with unresolved traumas and attachment wounds and when we begin diving into those couples can truly transform their marriages.   

Q. What if I want to use my insurance? 

A. We do our best to keep our work in marriage counseling separate from insurance companies. In doing so, we find that clients are able to better reach their goals, and make more progress in therapy. Oftentimes insurance companies dictate the amount of sessions that clients need, and how work should be completed.

We believe that these decisions should be made by the client and therapist. Insurance companies also require that we make a clinical mental health diagnosis, which we do not believe is necessary in order for marriage counseling to be effective. While we do not provide insurance billing, we can however provide you with a receipt which is accepted from some PPO insurances, and a reimbursement may be provided.

Not working with insurance gives clients the utmost choice and control over their healing process, and it gives us the ability to set lower fees, and to have more time to focus on clients, which is what we really love to do!

If you need to use your insurance, that is totally understandable. Just make sure that marriage counseling is something that is covered directly by your insurance plan by calling them first and then asking them to send you a list of providers who take your particular insurance plan. That way there are no surprises once you get in to see the marriage counselor. 

I hope this helps you find the right marriage counselor in Rancho Cucamonga. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call us at (909) 600-0306 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. We’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with marriage counseling, you can schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation here.

Why Marriage Counseling is not a Quick Fix

“Five minutes to freedom.” 

“15 minutes a day to make six figures.”

“Change your entire life with this hack” 

I don't know about you but my IG feed is FULL of clickbait titles like this. My email inbox is also full of headlines like this. 

Social media and marketing are made to grab our attention and pull on our heart strings. People want to sell us on the notion that we aren't good enough without whatever they have to sell us. 

The therapy space is a little different. I’m not a coach. I’ll never claim to be a guru, and I’ll never splash photos of me and my husband across the Internet asking people - do you want what I have? The truth about those types of posts and emails is that anyone can portray their relationship any way they’d like. Social media is the highlight reel, and anyone who claims that having a great marriage comes easy is full of it! 

The truth is, I don’t have a quick and easy way for you to have the marriage of your dreams. Marriage is like anything else in that the grass grows where you water it. 

I’ve seen hundreds, maybe even thousands of clients over the past 15 years. Not all of them stick with me long-term, and I’d be lying if I told you they did {but clearly you know that I cannot physically see 1000 clients in one week - my max is actually 12}.

The reasons people quit therapy varies: Some of them don’t click with the therapist, some don’t want to make the financial investment, and some really want a quick fix. 

This last one is probably the hardest for me to see. I try to be as honest as possible about what couples can expect when they start marriage counseling. I tell them that they should plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months, and if they are going through infidelity recovery, it will be at least a year. 

Those are rough estimates. Most of the patterns that keep couples stuck in cycles of blow-out arguments, silent treatment, and other unhealthy patterns are due to each individual’s unresolved traumas. 

When people quit therapy and say that it isn’t working, it’s usually because they are unwilling to look at their own patterns and want so badly for the pain to end. Having a weekly reminder of what isn’t working is difficult and I’m totally aware of the lack of motivation that can hit you when you’re having a great day but you know that you have therapy later and are going to be encouraged to look at some heavy stuff. 

It’s easy to think that because you’ve been able to string together a few good days with no fights or negativity, that the relationship will be fine. But how many times have you thought that already, only to end up in the same place - hurting and looking for a way out? 

Marriage Counseling is hard. 

Marriage Counseling is a commitment. 

Marriage counseling will not improve your relationship overnight. 

Marriage counseling will only work as hard as you do. 

But that’s why my clients are some of the bravest people that I have ever met! 

The clients that stick with it, hunker down, and brace themselves to do the work - the ones that continue to show up week after week get stronger and stronger, and when they weather the eye of the storm, they come out on the other side with soooo much love, intimacy, self-discovery, and pride. 

Graduating couples from marriage counseling is the greatest perk of the job. The last session I have with couples is about reflecting on where they started. We talk about the ups and the downs, and then celebrate the new fulfilling connection they have worked so hard to create. It’s so much fun!

Thankfully there are also ways to make the process a little less challenging. Have I told you about Brainspotting yet? Actually, I know I did, I sent you an email about it a while back, but in case you didn’t get to it, I’ll link info here. (No hard feelings, I promise I don’t judge if you’re not fully reading every word I send you ;0) 

Brainspotting helps speed up the process towards healing. 

When I work with couples and one or both are struggling because they have unresolved traumas that are being triggered, I hit pause on our couples work and we do one or two sessions individually to work on those triggers and they feel so much relief once we do! Then we dive right back into our couples work and can keep moving forward. 

Before I was trained in Brainspotting this intersection when the trauma was triggered was such a challenge, it could take months and months to help the couple as a unit to get past this. 

I know I told you I don’t have a quick fix and that still rings true. Clients are still working while they are Brainspotting. They are still feeling big emotions and it is challenging, but it’s much more comfortable than walking around with it bouncing around, untethered. 

I also always end my Brainspotting sessions with an expansion spot - I help clients find something they’d like to feel; that might be peace, calm, excitement, or confidence, and they get to connect with that feeling in their body and it makes processing the difficult stuff so much more manageable! 

If you’re ready to do the work and have a truly transformed relationship I want to help! Click here and book your free 15-minute phone consultation, and we will find the right therapist in our office for you!