Feeling Like You’re the Only One Trying: How Relationship Therapy Supports You Even When Your Partner Won’t Change

You know exactly how this is going to go, because you and your partner have been stuck in the same cycle on repeat for far too long.

You’re going to bring something up that hurts or upsets you. They’re going to get defensive and make you feel like you’re overreacting. You’ll feel conflicted—part of you wishing you never said anything, and another part of you exhausted from staying quiet. You’ll try to explain yourself again, hoping this time they’ll finally hear you. But they won’t. They never do.

Instead, they’ll focus on the fact that you’re getting loud and completely miss the point of the conversation. That will infuriate you even more. And then they’ll leave—emotionally, physically, or both.

You’ve done this more times than you can count, and you’re so tired.

You feel resentful and lonely because you’re the only one reading articles, listening to relationship podcasts, and actively trying to improve the relationship. You send reels and videos, hoping something will finally click for them—hoping they’ll wake up and want to work on things too. And underneath all of that effort is a quieter, scarier question:

What happens if they don’t?

You might be telling yourself that this means the relationship is over. Maybe you’ve talked about couples therapy, but your partner only agrees in the heat of an argument, with no real follow-through once things calm down.

But what if you did something different?

What if you listened to your intuition?

Even if you can’t get your partner to show up for therapy, that doesn’t mean you can’t get support—or that meaningful change is off the table. Relationship therapy can be deeply effective, even when you’re the only one in the room.

Why This Dynamic Happens

The truth is, you’re not stuck in these cycles simply because your partner “can’t figure it out.” You also have patterns that are playing a role. It takes two to tango, and when the same fight keeps showing up—different day, same outcome—attachment wounds are usually at play.

While everyone’s attachment wounds show up differently, things like avoidance, shutdown, and defensiveness often emerge when there’s a perceived threat. These reactions aren’t about logic—they’re about protection.

The way you approach your partner may not be threatening at all. But their nervous system interprets it as danger, and their response is shaped by their own attachment history. At the same time, the way you respond to their shutdown or defensiveness is influenced by your attachment wounds too.

Both of you are reacting to old, unconscious patterns—and without awareness, the cycle just keeps reinforcing itself.

How Relationship Therapy Supports You

When you feel like your partner won’t change, it’s natural to focus your energy on trying to get them to see things differently. All those TikToks and podcasts you send? They’re an attempt to change how your partner responds to you.

But the real shift happens when the focus moves away from controlling your partner and toward empowering yourself.

Relationship therapy helps you work with the only person you actually have control over—you.

In therapy, you begin to identify your emotional triggers and understand your part in the conflict cycle. You learn regulation tools that create real, noticeable changes in how you show up—internally and relationally. You start to rebuild boundaries, strengthen your sense of self-worth, and reconnect with your inner knowing.

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about gaining clarity and agency.

Why Change Still Happens—Even If They Don’t Join You

From a systems perspective, when one person changes, the entire relationship shifts.

Imagine being so connected to your intuition and grounded in yourself that you enter conversations calm, clear, and regulated. When your partner becomes defensive, you no longer feel the urge to raise your voice or repeat yourself in hopes of being understood. Instead, you express your needs clearly and make requests without losing yourself in the process.

That kind of change doesn’t just affect you—it alters the dynamic.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

In a recent intensive, I worked with someone whose partner had cheated. They were seriously considering ending the relationship, but another part of them wanted to stay and see if healing was possible. The conflict cycle between them felt suffocating.

During our time together, we identified their role in the cycle, worked through significant attachment trauma, and created a clear list of boundaries and requests they needed in order to continue the relationship.

Before the intensive, they shared that even thinking about making those requests made them feel sick. Growing up, they were never allowed to make things about themselves. Doing so was considered selfish and unacceptable.

In our post-intensive interview, they described something very different. They felt no shame in expressing their needs. No guilt in naming their boundaries. That internal shift alone created a profound change in their relationship—regardless of whether their partner had “fully changed” yet.

A Gentle Invitation to Go Deeper

If you’re feeling like you’re the only one trying, I want you to hear this clearly: you don’t have to wait for your partner to change in order to begin healing.

A Relationship Intensive for One is designed for people who are ready to step out of the exhausting cycle, understand their attachment wounds, and make meaningful shifts—even if their partner isn’t willing or able to participate right now. This work is focused, supportive, and deeply personalized, allowing you to create change from the inside out.

If you’d like a broader understanding of how this kind of work fits into relationship healing as a whole, you may find it helpful to read my pillar post, Relationship Therapy: A Complete Guide to Healing Patterns, Communication, and Connection, which explores the many ways relationship therapy can support growth, clarity, and connection.

If your intuition is nudging you toward doing something different—something that centers you—I invite you to explore whether a Relationship Intensive for One might be the next right step. You don’t need permission to begin healing. You just need a place to start. Click here to book a free consultation and we can talk about whether this is the next best step for you.

Which Project Are You Taking On in Your Relationship?

When a relationship feels unsatisfying, many couples fall into one of three “projects” without even realizing it. These patterns are common, but they can also keep you feeling stuck and disconnected.

If you’re wondering how to break free, you’re not alone. Many couples in Rancho Cucamonga come to me for couples counseling or affair recovery intensives after finding themselves in these same cycles.

The question is: Which project are you taking on?

Project 1: Trying to Change Your Partner

If you’re longing to feel important, chosen, or like you truly matter, you may focus on getting your partner to behave differently. This often looks like:

• Criticizing them for not meeting your needs

• Using sarcasm or contempt when you feel ignored

• Shutting down with the silent treatment

The problem is—even if your partner changes temporarily, the deeper longing doesn’t go away.

Project 2: Trying to Change Yourself

Another common response is turning the energy inward. You may convince yourself that if you just worked harder or showed up “better,” things would improve.

This often looks like:

• Constantly anticipating your partner’s needs

• Shape-shifting or abandoning your own desires

• Over-functioning to keep the relationship afloat

The danger is that you lose yourself in the process, leaving you feeling unseen and unfulfilled.

Project 3: Giving Up and Numbing Out

When nothing seems to work, it’s easy to retreat into disconnection. Numbing out might look like:

• Scrolling endlessly on your phone 📱

• Over-exercising or binge drinking

• Using drugs or even looking outside the relationship for attention

While it may provide temporary relief, shutting down creates more distance between you and your partner.

Why These Projects Don’t Work

The truth is, you may bounce between all three of these strategies—and none of them bring lasting healing. That’s because what you’re seeking from your partner is often a mirror of a deeper wound within yourself.

If you grew up feeling unseen, unimportant, or unloved, no amount of attention from your partner will permanently fill that void. Until those core wounds are acknowledged and healed, the cycle continues.

How Couples Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga Can Help

When I work with couples, I don’t just teach quick-fix communication tips. Instead, I help uncover the root wounds that drive these patterns and guide couples through the process of healing.

This is where transformation begins.

Once you stop trying to change your partner—or yourself—in unhealthy ways, you can show up in your relationship grounded, open, and ready to connect. This is the foundation of real intimacy and lasting connection.

If you’d like to learn more about how intensives differ from weekly sessions, I’ve written a comprehensive guide: Everything You Need to Know About Couples Intensives in California.

Affair Recovery Intensives: A Deeper Path to Healing

For couples facing the aftermath of infidelity, weekly counseling may not feel like enough. That’s why many couples choose a focused 3-day affair recovery intensive in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. These intensives provide the space to:

• Process the betrayal in a structured, supportive way

• Uncover the deeper wounds beneath the affair

• Begin rebuilding safety and trust

If you’re curious about what that process looks like, you can read more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

A Gentle Invitation 💙
If you recognize yourself in one (or more) of these “projects,” know this: you don’t have to stay stuck. Healing is possible, and with the right support, you and your partner can find your way back to one another.

Whether you’re seeking couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA or are considering a couples intensive, I’d be honored to support you.

✨ Click here to schedule a consultation and begin the process of creating the relationship you’ve been longing for.

Frequently Asked Questions about Couples Counseling & Intensives

Do we have to be local to Rancho Cucamonga to attend an intensive?
Not at all. Many couples travel from other parts of California—and even out of state—for affair recovery intensives here. My office is conveniently located near Ontario International Airport, and I provide recommendations for nearby hotels.

How do I know if we need weekly couples counseling or an intensive?
Weekly couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga is often best for couples who are stuck in recurring patterns but feel some sense of stability in their relationship. An intensive is ideal for couples in crisis—such as recovering from an affair—or for those who want to accelerate their healing in a focused, immersive way. Intensives are also ideal for working professionals who might find it difficult to find reoccurring time each week to book consistent sessions but still want to make a huge impact on their relationship.

What can we expect from a 3-day affair recovery intensive?
These intensives provide a safe, structured environment to process the affair, understand the deeper attachment wounds, and begin repairing trust. You can learn more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

Navigating Anger After an Affair: Why It’s Essential in the Healing Process

If you’ve recently discovered your partner’s affair, the emotional impact can feel absolutely devastating. First and foremost, I want to say: I’m so sorry. The wave of emotions you're experiencing—sadness, fear, confusion, and yes, anger—are not only valid, they’re a completely normal part of the process.

Many couples who come to me for affair recovery intensives are surprised by the depth of their emotional reactions. Often, the one emotion that feels the most overwhelming—and the most taboo—is anger.

But here’s the truth: anger has a place in the healing process. It’s not only normal, it’s necessary.

Why Anger After an Affair Makes Sense

When we experience betrayal, anger is often our psyche’s way of saying, “This is not okay. Something must change.”

Whether you’ve seen unhealthy expressions of anger in your past—like rage, violence, or passive-aggression—or you’ve been taught to suppress it entirely, many of us carry unhealthy beliefs about what it means to feel or show anger. Especially for women, anger can be labeled as "irrational" or "crazy," leading people to fear the emotion itself.

But anger is not the problem. What you do with your anger is what matters.

In couples therapy for high performing individuals, I often help clients reframe anger as a signal, not a threat. It tells us when boundaries have been crossed, when a pattern must change, or when a part of ourselves needs to be acknowledged. In the context of couples therapy and intensives for couples, we create space for anger to be expressed in a healthy, constructive way.

Unhealthy vs. Healthy Anger

It’s true that some expressions of anger—like yelling, throwing things, or slamming doors—might feel cathartic in the moment, but they usually lead to regret and further disconnect. That doesn’t mean anger itself is wrong. It means we need tools to express it differently.

In my affair recovery intensives and couples retreats in CA, I help couples navigate this often-volatile emotion. We explore:

• What the anger is trying to communicate

• How it can lead to healthy boundaries

• Why honoring anger can create movement toward healing

And most importantly, how to express it in a way that leads to reconnection rather than rupture.

Anger as a Catalyst for Change

Anger is not always a sign that the relationship is over. In fact, it can be the very thing that wakes us up to the reality that something must shift. It can be the beginning of a new conversation, one where both partners learn to listen more deeply and speak more honestly.

If you’re struggling with anger after infidelity, know that you don’t have to process it alone. An intensive for couples offers the time, space, and structure needed to dive into difficult emotions like anger without fear of judgment. These intensives are designed to help high-achieving, driven individuals and couples find clarity, healing, and direction—especially when traditional weekly therapy just isn’t enough.

Ready to Begin Healing?

If anger feels scary, overwhelming, or out of control, you’re not broken. You're human.

Let’s work together to create a space where that anger can be heard, understood, and transformed. Whether you're considering an affair recovery intensive, a couples retreat in California, or focused couples therapy tailored for high performers—I’m here to help guide you through it.

💬 Reach out to schedule a consultation. Your healing deserves dedicated time and care.

Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners? Here’s How to Reconnect

Couples Counseling Rancho Cucamonga, CA | Couples Therapy | Marriage Counseling

Do you and your partner feel more like roommates than lovers? If your relationship has shifted from passion and connection to simply coexisting, you’re not alone. Many couples experience this slow drift as life’s responsibilities take over. The good news? You can rebuild intimacy and strengthen your bond with intentional effort.

The Silent Drift: When Life Takes Over Your Relationship

Before kids, demanding careers, and endless to-do lists, spending time together felt effortless. You naturally enjoyed each other’s company, stayed up late talking, and made each other a priority. But over time, your conversations may have become more about schedules and responsibilities than love and connection.

Simply being in the same house every night isn’t enough. Sitting next to each other on the couch, scrolling through separate screens, or managing household duties side by side doesn’t replace real intimacy. If you feel like you’ve become more like roommates than romantic partners, it’s time to make a change.

Reconnecting: More Than Just a Date Night

As a couples therapist, I know that one of the most common recommendations is having a regular date night—but let’s be real. That advice often gets ignored because it seems too simple or too difficult to execute.

If you’ve been avoiding date nights because of time, money, or exhaustion, let’s shift the focus. Reconnecting doesn’t have to be expensive, complicated, or even at night. Here are some realistic, modern ways to prioritize your relationship:

1. Daily Check-ins

Take five minutes every day to ask each other meaningful questions. Not just “How was your day?” but “What’s something that made you happy today?” or “Is there anything on your mind that we haven’t talked about?” Small, intentional moments of emotional connection add up over time.

2. Screen-Free Connection Time

Dedicate one evening a week where you put your phones away, turn off the TV, and focus on each other. Cook a meal together, play a game, or sit outside and just talk.

3. Change Up Your Routine

If planning a big date night feels overwhelming, keep it simple! Try grabbing coffee together before work, taking a lunch break together, or going on a morning walk. The key is prioritizing connection—not just scheduling time.

4. Get Out of the House (Even for 30 Minutes!)

Sometimes, a change of scenery makes all the difference. Go for a drive, explore a local park, or watch the sunset together. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate outing—just intentional time away from distractions.

5. Bring Back the Fun

Laughter is a powerful way to reignite connection. Watch a comedy special, play a game, or try something fun together—like an escape room, a cooking class, or even karaoke at home.

6. Prioritize Physical Affection

Hug more. Hold hands. Kiss hello and goodbye. Physical touch strengthens emotional intimacy, even if it’s just a 10-second hug before heading out the door.

7. Schedule Uninterrupted Time Together

If you have kids, consider swapping babysitting duties with friends or scheduling an at-home date after bedtime. Even if it’s just one hour of distraction-free time, it reinforces that your relationship is a priority.

When You Need More Than a Date Night: Couples Therapy Can Help

Reconnecting as a couple isn’t just about spending more time together—it’s about addressing deeper patterns that may be causing disconnection. If you’re feeling distant, stuck in repetitive arguments, or unsure how to rebuild intimacy, couples therapy or marriage counseling can help.

💡 Ready to get to the root of your disconnection?

Let’s work together to rebuild your bond and strengthen your relationship. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation for couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. Your relationship deserves the time and attention to thrive!

Is a Couples Intensive what you really need this summer?

You know your relationship needs help. 

You know you’re tired of the fighting, the silence, the walking on eggshells. 

You’ve thought about calling for therapy so many times, you’ve clicked through and read everything on my website, but every time you think about booking your consultation you stop. 

You look at your calendar with all the upcoming events you have, and weekly therapy just never seems like a good idea. You don’t have a day every week to devote to the process even though you are SO ready. 

You’re ready for things to change. 

You’re ready to start feeling heard. 

You’re ready to dig deep but you’re also afraid that the process of healing your marriage will take a really long time. 

I get it. I too hate how freaking long healing can take. 

I love my clients and the work we do together, but the truth is: this model hasn’t been working for me either. 

The standard 50 minute sessions often go like this: 10 minutes to catch up and choose what we should work on, 30 minutes of work, an intervention, and intense emotion, 10 minutes to wrap up and summarize what was learned. 

I am so adamant about couples coming to see me on a weekly basis because there’s a lot to cover, and we can’t always wrap sessions up with a pretty bow. Sometimes you’ll have to sit in the discomfort of a cliff hanger until the next session. 

Healing attachment wounds, betrayals, and long-standing negative communication patterns takes hard work and dedication. It also takes consistency. 

Sometimes you just can’t get into the office once a week and that’s why I’ve started doing more intensive work with couples. 

I want you to reach your goals in a shorter period of time. 

Intensives are an accelerated form of therapy that help clients feel better faster. 

No more weekly appointments. No more watching the clock and trying to decide if the issue you’d like to bring up can be covered in the remaining 40 minutes of the session.   

These intensive sessions are so juicy and fruitful. There are no interruptions. No more starting and stopping until next week. 

You know that you’re ready to dig in and get uncomfortable, but rather than dragging it out week by week, for months, you can do it in two, 4 hour sessions or one, 8 hour session, once a month.  

Summer gets busy with travel and kids being out of school but that doesn’t mean that healing your relationship needs to remain on hold. 

Click the here to book your free phone consultation to find out how an intensive can work for you.