Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. At least that’s how the saying goes, right? In my line of work I’m often the one doing the questioning, but I also get lots of questions from clients and professionals and one that comes up a great deal is, is this saying true?

My short answer is no, but then of course I have a lengthier version, which I will share with you today, and that is - it really depends. It depends on the reasoning behind the infidelity that will determine if the person will cheat again.

If someone is cheating because they are addicted to the excitement of being caught, or they are addicted to the spark of new romance, they may continually seek out affairs to find that spark, and to put themselves in a place of secrecy. While I’ve said that most people cheat in order to feel alive, and to rekindle life within themselves that they’ve lost in their relationship, I think this is different than what I previously described.

Although most people cheat to feel excitement, being addicted to that excitement is very different than seeking outside of your relationship to find something you’ve lost that you likely once had.

When people take the time to understand themselves and put in the work necessary to understand what lead them to stray outside of their relationship, it’s not likely that they will do it again. But the key is really that they’ve done the work. They’ve shown up, they’ve looked at themselves, they’ve looked at their relationship, and they’ve found understanding and insight into their motives for straying. And that of course is as intensive as it sounds. It takes work.

While the infidelity may have caused their relationship to end, someone who cheats still has to take themselves with them into their next relationship, and unless they’ve taken a good hard look at themselves, they are likely to continue in a similar fashion.

There’s often a misconception that if the relationship ends after infidelity, that’s the end of it. The person just wasn’t happy, they looked outside of their relationship to have something fulfilled, and it ultimately ended up killing their relationship, and they must then move on.

Many times infidelity can be the best thing that happens to a relationship. While I’d never wish it on anyone, nor is it something I suggest you do, it gets couples talking in a way they haven’t in many years, if ever. It serves as a wake-up call, and marks the start of a new, different relationship with the same partner. It definitely takes couples a long time to get to the point of seeing this, but it happens, and the new relationship that couples create following infidelity is one that is often more fulfilling, more intimate, and connected.

You can never “cheat-proof” any relationship, but it’s much less likely to happen again if both partners are truly invested in finding understanding for themselves and one another, and have a commitment to do things differently as they move forward. Once a cheater, not always a cheater is what I say, but that’s because I’ve been across the couch, asking the tough questions, and helping my clients find understanding.

If you could use some help sorting things out after infidelity, and could use a nonjudgmental third party, I’d love to help. Feel free to contact me at (909) 226-6124, and we can talk about ways therapy can help you understand yourself and your relationship. If your partner has recently been unfaithful, and you're struggling to figure out what to do next, click here to download my free guide on communicating after infidelity. 

The #1 way to find healing after Heartbreak

Let’s just be frank, the healing process after the loss of a relationship really sucks. Even if you haven’t lost your relationship, and are just in the midst of a rocky road with your partner, there is one thing that you can do to help yourself heal, and it can’t be found in the arms of another, or at the bottom of a beer bottle. Although those things might sound appealing while you’re hurting, they tend to cause more harm than good.

The best thing that women can do for themselves in order to heal is to reconnect with their strengths. What I mean by that is, many times in relationships there are parts of us that become lost, or overshadowed, but those parts are important, and they make us who we are. They contributed to who we were before we entered into the relationship, and yet those parts often get neglected.

In order to reconnect with those strengths, reflection and introspection have to be involved. I’m a huge proponent of journaling, I recommend it to almost all of my clients who are struggling through life’s challenges. So women who are trying to heal can start journaling and thinking about the parts of themselves that they’ve neglected that once brought them a sense of happiness and strength.

Were you once an athlete, or involved in some sport that you no longer do? Is there a creative side to you that you don’t feed because you’ve become too busy? Are you great with money? Are you a great parent? Are you a great friend?

I help my clients look at those strengths and get back to them so they can start to feel like themselves again, but also more importantly so that they can begin to realize that although this relationship that they’ve lost or that is in a very rocky state – while it’s extremely important to them, it isn’t all that makes up their life.

Sometimes women can place far too much emphasis on their romantic relationship and allow it to govern all other aspects of their life rather than having a full life and allowing a relationship to fit in the picture as well.

A lot of the work that I do with the women in my therapy practice is helping them to find their strengths, and accentuating them, or building new strengths.

Another important piece in the healing process is making peace with what’s occurred by taking some responsibility for the contribution to the relationship issues, the infidelity, and the end of the relationship; owning up to your own shortcomings as a partner. It doesn’t always mean forgiveness, but it means coming to an understanding about what transpired, and moving forward after accepting that.

Do you know what your strengths are? If not, it might be time to reflect on them. Ask your close friends and family what they see as your strengths, or even what they saw that used to be your strengths, because maybe they’ve noticed you’ve lost them along the way as well. It can be difficult put yourself out there in such a way, but a close confidant will likely be truthful if you approach them in the right way.

Find your strengths, reconnect with the old ones, feed them, and you will find healing. If you could use some help finding the person you may have lost while caught in a tumultuous relationship, I’d love to help. You can contact me at (909) 226-6124 and I’ll be happy to discuss ways we can work together to help you reconnect with your amazing strengths. 

Why do people cheat?

I just wrapped up a podcast interview, and I was asked by the host a question that I get asked a lot – why do people cheat? In my practice I work with 3 groups of clients:

The first group are the men and women who have cheated, and they are looking to understand why they did what they did, and they’re also trying to understand the loss of their relationship and start over.

The second group are the couples where one partner has cheated, but they’ve resolved to stick together for the time being and see if they can repair their relationship.

The third group are the men or women who have been injured by their partner’s cheating, and for whatever reason their partner isn’t willing to come to therapy with them, and they are trying to make sense of what’s happened and make the best decisions about how to move forward whether that be with or without their partner.

No matter which group the client falls into, they inevitably ask me why? Why would my partner do this to me? Why would my partner risk what we have for a temporary fling, or a long-term relationship with someone else without first just breaking up our marriage?

I’ll start with the caveat that I’m not a researcher, but of course I have my own observations from what I see in my practice, and I read the research. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons, and it happens in all demographics – men cheat, women cheat, people in their 50’s cheat, and so do people in their 20’s and 30’s.

When I break it down to the smallest common denominator, and really get to the bottom of the reasoning I’d say they do it because it makes them feel alive in some way. It’s exciting. It brings out parts of them that have become dormant during the course of their marriage, although it doesn’t always appear that way looking at it on the outside.

When you look at it in a more broad sense, a man can be cheating on his wife because he’s not satisfied with their relationship – and it doesn’t always have to be the sexual relationship. It could be that he’s not happy because things have become stagnant, they aren’t talking about what’s important and they aren't connecting in a way that breeds intimacy. 

This man may be doing things just to appease his wife because he doesn’t want to deal with her controlling nature, or her nagging him and so he’s become quiet in some way, he’s become inauthentic and no longer true to himself and he meets this other woman at just the right time, and this other women makes those parts of him come alive.

Cheating can also come from a sense of loss. A woman may cheat after she’s lost something or someone – she may have lost a parent, or her sense of freedom as she’s become a parent herself. Through this experience of loss there are parts of her that she’s also lost and so she is looking to feel alive, and an affair creates a sense of life within her.

Cheating is also much easier than a long-term marriage. It can be all the fun parts of the beginning of a relationship that bring about that rush of emotions and euphoria that comes along with newness, and there’s no dealing with juggling the kid’s carpool or sports schedules. There is a freedom that comes along with an isolated relationship that exists only in those few hours in which both parties can sneak away.

While every couple and every situation is different and it may look very different on the outside, inside people are trying to feel more alive in some way. I am in no way condoning cheating as a mechanism of coping, however in order to do this work, I have to “get it,” and find understanding without judgment.

If you are struggling to make sense of an infidelity, I’d love to help. You can contact me for a free phone consultation at (909) 226-6124 and I’d be happy to help you begin the healing process.

If you have recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, and are wondering what you should do next, click here to get my free guide, "My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity," it will help you take the right steps after such a life-altering discovery and learn what to do in order to have effective communication. 

When using ultimatums Backfires

“If he doesn’t propose by Valentine’s Day, I’m leaving!”

“If you talk to her one more time, this relationship is over!”

“If you don’t come to therapy with me, I’ll know you don’t care, and so I’ll have no choice but to move out.”

As a therapist my role is not to give advice. I help my clients come to their own decision about where they want to go in their relationships and I like to think of therapy as a road trip where the client is in the driver seat, and I’m in the passenger seat with the map. They tell me where they want to go and I hear their input and direct them using the best route.

I undoubtedly get direct questions though when people are unsatisfied with their relationships like, “do you think I should give him (or her) an ultimatum?” and while I do my best to avoid giving my direct opinion, there are definitely times when I want to give a straight answer – no (but it depends).

It depends on the status and history of your relationship. It depends on what behavior you are looking to diminish by giving said ultimatum. It depends on how destructive said behavior is. Ultimately it really depends on your willingness to follow through with your end of the ultimatum, and that’s where, if it’s not carried out right, it can truly backfire.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship where you just aren’t being treated the way you deserve, there really isn’t any reason to wait until your partner disrespects you one more time in order to force you to leave. Instead, check in with what’s going right, and with what’s causing you to have one foot out the door. Compare the pro and con lists; are the cons things that go against your values? Is there forward movement in repairing those issues?

Giving a blanket ultimatum and threatening to leave the relationship when things get tough doesn’t elicit trust or confidence. Some people threaten to leave over minor things just to get their partner’s attention, and this is really unhealthy due to the insecurity it elicits.

In many cases, having a true heart to heart conversation with your partner can be much more impactful than giving an ultimatum.

There are cases in which you can be totally invested in the relationship, and just not feeling the same from your partner, and so giving an ultimatum for them to work towards repairing a huge point of contention in your relationship as a last and final effort on your part can be beneficial. With that said, be prepared to follow through with your end of the ultimatum.

If you’re serious about getting over the hump and having your partner on the same page, and express this with an ultimatum it should be time sensitive and something you’ve truly thought out. Make your expectations clear and measurable, and do so in a respectable way – a conversation in which you’re clear headed and able to speak without letting your emotions take over is best.

Follow through. If you are considering an ultimatum, think about what it will be like to follow through. What will that mean for you and the status of your relationship? If you’re threatening to leave, do you have a place to go? Make plans ahead of time so that you are able to follow through in a reasonable amount of time.

Without follow through an ultimatum is useless, so consider other ways to repair the damage in your relationship before heading in that direction. Think about your goal, and reflect on other options. Counseling is a great option when things become stagnant in your personal life. Having a neutral party to help you to move in the right direction and provide that roadmap you need, can be extremely valuable. If it’s something you’re considering, I’d love to hear from you, and help you find a therapist that’s right for you (909) 226-6124. 

Why? And other questions after Infidelity

There are so many questions that come up after one partner has an affair, and the main question that I hear when working with couples struggling to move forward is, why? This is usually one of the main questions asked by the injured partner, however it is typically something that the participating partner has the most difficulty answering.

There are various ways in which couples deal with affairs, they either 1) ignore the problem and hope to push past it without truly delving into discussing it explicitly 2) spend even more time together, and try to “love it out” in a sense, or 3) they separate in an attempt to stop fighting about it.

Wanting to know why your partner did this to you seems as though it will unlock so much, and help you to move forward. But in my opinion, and in the work that I do with couples I’ve found that there isn’t always one definitive answer that’s really good enough for the injured partner, and it typically takes a great amount of time for the participating partner to truly understand why they decided to look stray. 

This can be extremely frustrating for the injured partner, and difficult to understand, however I suggest more important things to focus on while getting to the “why?”:

1.     What about us? In the initial phase of healing from infidelity it is important to set boundaries for daily living and talk about how you will continue to be in the same household during this emotional time.

2.     Have you considered leaving the relationship? Although it isn’t vital to have a definitive answer at this point, it is helpful to find understanding in your partner’s feeling about staying in the relationship and working through the infidelity.

3.     What level of intimacy feels ok right now? Considering what normal activities feel right at the time and discussing them with your partner are essential in creating healthy boundaries in the initial phase of recovery. Deciding to do things like have coffee together in the mornings, hug, kiss, hold hands, and sleep in the same bed, and being vocal about what feels right will help keep everyone on the same page. I also suggest that you talk about what happens if you begin to feel uncomfortable with anything that you’ve agreed to try.

4.     What are we committed to doing in the short term? Creatinga short term plan to work towards healing and moving past the affair may be all you can commit to, and that’s ok. While there isn’t a definite time frame for this, it should be something both partners agree to and feel comfortable with. Within this commitment should be parameters about how you will work to improve the relationship and might sound something like, “I propose we work intensely on our relationship for the next 3 months and then reassess. That means attending weekly counseling, completing all homework set forth by our therapist, and continuing to stay in the home together, and making our relationship our top priority to see if we can indeed get past this.”

5.     Are you committed to a process of learning about how we each contributed to this affair happening? If so, are you willing to take responsibility? Are you committed to learning more about us individually and as a couple? I know this is a three-part question, but in order to move forward you must have all three components. This should also be something that each partner will commit to doing in small increments of time. While the larger question is always whether or not you should stay together, it is a process that occurs in order to find the answer.

Secrecy plays a huge role in an affair and is what the injured partner typically has the most difficulty dealing with and so if the participating partner is willing to be honest about their feelings and their commitment to move forward, this will help greatly in creating a new normal and in rebuilding trust.

Communicating after infidelity can be incredibly challenging. I see many individuals and couples struggle to find the appropriate way to move forward after their partner has been unfaithful, and so I’ve created a FREE guide titled, “My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity” and you can get it by signing up here. Whether you are the injured or participating partner, there is great info for both in learning to communicate after infidelity, so I hope you’ll get your copy!

If you could use more support and want to talk about the possibility of couples counseling, please give me a call at (909) 226-6124. I’m happy to chat with you about the benefits of counseling and how you can begin to move forward.