I’m Sorry! Tips for an appropriate Apology

We’ve all been there, you have a fight with your partner, and whether it’s about something big or small, when it’s all said and done you have that icky feeling in your gut, and you know that it’s time to apologize.

You swallow your pride, and take a stab at “I’m sorry,” but things go horribly wrong, and round 2 ensues. As you start your fight all over again, you think “what the hell?? I said sorry!” 

Chances are, the apology was either premature, or not executed properly. Here are a few things to consider when crafting an appropriate apology:

Before you utter those two powerful words, ask yourself - What am I apologizing for?

As a therapist I can tell you, there’s nothing worse than sitting in session with a couple and hearing one partner say, “I’m sorry you felt that way.”

An apology is taking action for something you did, said, or thought, and so you can’t apologize for someone else’s feelings. When you do apologize for another’s feelings it has a negative connotation and sends the message that their feelings aren’t important.

Understanding your part in what’s taken place might take some time, and while you might not feel you did anything wrong, the bottom line is your partner had a negative reaction to what was said or done, so take some time to think about your part in the matter and go from there.

A premature apology can do more harm than good. If you’re still upset or angry, and yell out, “I’M SORRY!” you’re not likely to get the best response.

The look on your face, the positioning of your body, and the sound of your voice all have to be in line with the message you’re trying to convey.

If you’re still angry, and not truly sorry for what you’ve said, then don’t apologize. But do take some time away to collect yourself, calm down, and get in the right headspace so you can come back with all things aligned.

An appropriate apology starts with you and ends with a suggestion for ways to create a different outcome in the future.

No one likes hearing someone tell them they’re sorry for something they did, just to have them do it over again. If you’re sorry for name-calling or blaming, then own it, and come up with ways that you’ll avoid doing it in the future.

If it means taking yourself out of a certain situation, or asking for time alone when you feel yourself getting to that point, then practice asking for what you need, and doing so in a way that shows respect to both you and your partner.

Arguments in relationships are inevitable. We don’t always see eye to eye, and that’s ok because that’s what makes us individuals. But when we do something to cause our partner hurt, a great apology can go a long way, and it can be the start of great conversation that will lead to better outcomes in the future. 

If you know you have an apology due, I hope these tips were helpful, and you can become a master of the appropriate apology! Don't forget to share by hitting the button below :)

How to love your wife the way you love your sports team, and the benefits you'll reap

There's nothing like the sound of whistles blowing, quarterbacks hut-hut-hiking, and helmet hitting helmet. Football season in the U.S. is upon us. 

What also accompanies these sounds are the sounds of screaming, yelling of obscenities, pacing, celebratory dancing, and the occasional throwing of the tv remote - and I know that's not just a Monday night in my house! 

And while I'd like to throw out a few clinical diagnoses to justify my annoyance with my husband's overly enthusiastic choice of words, I refrain and remind myself it will only last until February.... Only. Six. More. Months... 

I know there are some ladies out there who are just as passionate about their sports teams, and who can spiritedly object to a bad call with the best of them, so this can apply to you as well:

What if you loved your partner with as much passion as you love your sports team? I want to give you a few tips on how to make that happen. 

Make date night plans the way you make game-day plans.

When there’s an important game coming up you make sure your schedule is clear, call your buddies and discuss the line-up, where you’ll be watching, and whose turn it is to bring the beer.

Date night should look similar. Talk to your partner, make sure you’re on the same page, schedules are clear, and take the initiative to plan with enthusiasm. Make a dinner reservation and arrange for childcare if necessary.

Approach your date night the way you approach game time. 

When it's game time, nothing stands in your way of making it home in time for kick-off. You make sure to have your choice beverage and snack in hand before that ball is kicked.  

Maybe in an emergency situation you aren't able to make it home on time, but you're listening to AM radio all the way home, and catching up on what you missed on Sports Center after the game. 

Date night should look similar.  Treat it as though it’s something that absolutely can’t be missed, something you treasure, and something you look forward to all week.

On the rare occasion that you're running late because you get stuck at work, call and talk to your sweet heart all the way to the restaurant, because that conversation is just too precious to miss out on. 

Belong to your relationship the way you belong to your sports team.

When your team is struggling, and the refs are making all the wrong calls, you enthusiastically jump in and stick up for your team, because after all, WE have worked hard all season, and WE aren’t putting up with this!  

When your partner is struggling to keep up with the demands of work, home, family, and everything else life is throwing at the moment, it’s time to step it up, and jump in the way you do for your team.

There doesn’t have to be as many 4-letter words involved, but volunteering with gusto to walk the dog or make the call back to your kid’s teacher will go a long way.

Have you heard the saying, “foreplay starts outside of the bedroom?” Trust me on this one, guys!

Translate that passion into your relationship language.

Even when it’s not game day, you're checking stats, catching up on the status of injured players, and watching highlights from games you missed.  

You talk football at the water cooler and proudly clothe yourself in your team’s colors at the weekend BBQ.

Now I’m not asking you to wear an “I love my wife” t-shirt with her picture on it to the next company picnic, but checking in on your wife’s stats the way you would your team’s will score you some major bonus points.  

Asking about how she’s feeling about her annoying coworker, or the latest episode of Scandal just shows that you care about her world, and she’s a priority in your life. And while you may not love shows with strong female leads, it really isn’t about the show, it’s about showing up and showing you appreciate her inner thoughts.

Translating that passion you show for your team into the words you use with your partner can be totally flattering and surprising if it isn’t something she’s used to.

“I freakin love you!” is a little different than the usual “love ya babe,” so at the risk of being vulnerable, just go for it, because she knows you have more than a passionate bone in your body – she’s witness to your Monday, Thursday, and/or Sunday salutes to your team, so get creative and let the passion show!

Who are you rooting for this season? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below, and want to know what you’re gonna do this season to show up in your relationship.