Getting to the emotion and Getting your message heard by your Partner

When you’re going through it with your partner, and there’s an ongoing argument or issue, it can be so easy to get caught up in the words that are being said. You might start an argument about something that was said that didn’t sit well with you, but end up dissecting the words, or focusing on the time and place an incident happened.

What you wanted to talk about doesn’t get addressed, and you end the argument and go to bed angry because things just weren’t going anywhere. But where did you go wrong?

If you’ve ever worked with me, you know one of my favorite questions to ask is, “but what’s the feeling behind that?” I tend to get a little excited about this question, and typically say this with emphasis because I think the answer is what leads to the magic in a relationship.

It’s the key to truly getting your message heard, and getting a response from your partner that may change the course of an argument, and a skill that can change how you fight in the future.

When you begin an argument with your partner, the way that you engage in that argument can happen in many different ways. Couples tend to do a sort of dance, where their arguments take on a familiar pattern.

Your pattern might be: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to pick a fight about (fill in the blank here with something completely unrelated, such as not putting the laundry in the dryer), your partner engages in this unrelated argument, and you take this as an opportunity to fight about the laundry, but also throw in a piece about feeling ignored. Your partner ignores the part about being ignored, and becomes upset because he/she’s tired of being criticized. You both become tired of arguing. No solution is reached, and you go to bed angry because you’ve run out of things to say. In the morning you go about your days, hardly saying a word, and as the day goes on, you forget about the argument and go back to business as usual.  

In this scenario, the issue that was really bothering you was never addressed or even really discussed with your partner. When you don’t get the things that bother you addressed or resolved in your relationship, it becomes like a thorn in your side, and can cause that dirty little word – resentment.

The land of resentment is a dangerous place to be in your relationship because it greatly impacts the way you love and interact with your partner, and it can sometimes be difficult to initially detect.

Avoiding Resentment by getting to the feeling

Let’s go back and redo that argument in a more productive way: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to address the issue head-on, you engage your partner in a conversation where you talk about feeling ignored in the relationship, and how it makes you feel. Instead of picking an argument about something unrelated, you get to the feeling and say something like, “I’ve been feeling sad lately, and like I’m being ignored by you. This makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”

Going to the feeling, and openly sharing that with your partner gives them the opportunity to respond to your emotion. In 99% of cases, your partner isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, and will respond with concern when given the opportunity. This opens up an opportunity for you to make a request about their behavior moving forward, and clarify what you need.  

Simple, right? While it’s easy for me to write out this simple formula, it’s often more difficult to do and takes practice. It’s easy to get caught up in building your argument, and fear of vulnerability sets in at times when you get to the point where you share your feelings. But my hope is that you can ask yourself, “what’s the most important thing that I need to communicate to my partner in this scenario?” Hint: it’s your feeling behind what’s happened; the emotion it’s evoked.

If you find that you get caught up in other things and have difficulty understanding and getting to your feelings, I’d love to help. Couples counseling can be a great way to improve your communication skills together, and get your relationship back on track. Give me a call at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation.

Break-up, to Make-up. When do we call it quits? + Bonus Video!

Whether you love them or hate them, you can’t cross a checkout stand without catching a glimpse of the latest Kardashian drama. In the wake of Kloe and Lamar’s latest drama, and reconciliation, many are wondering if calling off their divorce is a good idea. While their case may seem extreme, these things do happen to people who aren’t celebrities, but when is it a good idea to reconcile, and when do you call it quits? 

The answer to this question is different for every couple, and when marriage and children are involved, that adds additional variables to the equation and typically keeps people together longer and trying to work through the issue. I’ve put together a list of things that could be considered deal-breakers, and that I recommend seeking counseling for:

1.    You don’t feel valued or respected for the person that you are.

When you don’t feel as though you can show up in your relationship as your true, authentic self for fear of the negative reaction or judgment of your partner, this may be a sign of deeper issues that should be explored and discussed. Things like differences in values, life-goals, and roles can cause arguments and disagreements, but seeking a therapist in order to assist you in uncovering the root of this issue can be beneficial.

2.    You aren’t the only one.

Although the research shows that more and more couples are staying together after infidelity, it can be difficult to weather this storm. It takes two people who are ready to look at themselves, take responsibility for what lead to the affair, and come to an agreement as to what the relationship will look like going forward. This can be a new start to a new relationship, but one that won’t come easy, and therapy can help speed things up a bit in terms of the conversations that need to be had in order to get to a better place.

3.    You aren’t fighting fair.

When fights look like all-out, gloves off brawls, this can be extremely destructive to your relationship. Things like name-calling, put-downs, and an inability to argue about just one thing are all signs that you may be doing irreparable damage to your relationship. These types of arguments often cause resentment, and over time that resentment leads to separation and divorce. Therapy can be a great place to learn how to fight fair.

4.    Harmful habits are taking over.  

If your partner is unable to get a handle on a harmful addiction, this is definitely a good time to seek help from an outsider. When your life is endangered due to the risky behaviors of your partner, or you feel like the addiction is consuming a majority of your interactions, it’s time to take a look at the relationship and consider making some major changes. Addictions can be tricky, but ultimately the responsibility for making changes falls on the addict, and playing the waiting game without becoming an enabler can cause a huge amount of stress.

5.    Trust is broken and irreparable.

Trust is one of the most important factors in any relationship, and when it becomes broken for any reason, it can take a great amount of time, effort, and dedication to restore. If you feel as though the trust has been lost in your relationship, and it happens more than once, going through that restoration process once more can take a huge toll, and make the process longer and more difficult with each go-around. Doing the same thing over and over again in hopes of a different result is sometimes called insanity, and while I wouldn’t consider it that severe, I definitely think it’s exhausting, and getting support to assist in sorting through trust issues can be helpful.

With any of these deal-breakers, deciding to stay in the relationship and work on things is a personal preference.  Seeking assistance from a therapist can help you cut down on the amount of time you might spend working through things on your own, and help you to uncover things that can assist you in making the decision to end the relationship.

When clients decide that they are in fact going to end their relationships while in therapy, the splits typically happen in a more amicable fashion, and one or both partners can continue to receive support. If you can use support with any the issues mentioned above, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to give me a call at (909) 600-0306 for a free 15-mintue consultation where we can talk about ways you might benefit from therapy.

As a bonus this week, I’ve included a video follow-up to last week’s blog post where I discuss a few tips for communicating with your partner, if you feel they’ve crossed a boundary in your relationship. You can check it out below: 

Adultery, Infidelity, Cheating. When am I crossing the Line?

In my practice I meet with couples who are struggling to have the happy, healthy relationship they dreamed of when they said, “I do.” Often times each partner has a different expectation and they aren’t meeting in the middle. When it comes to infidelity, I often get asked, “what’s considered cheating?”

Is it a lap dance at a bachelor party? A visit to a porn site? A flirty text, phone call, or facebook message with an old boyfriend? Do you have to have sex for it to be considered cheating?

These questions often arise in my work with couples, and as much as I’d love to give a definitive answer on each, that’s not my place, and my answer is always the same – it depends.

Depending on your background and history with cheating, your feeling of security in the relationship, and feeling of connectedness with your partner, your answers will likely be different than the next persons, and may even be different than your partner’s.

The most important thing is for you to talk with your partner about your expectations, what makes you feel insecure, and what’s definitely crossing the line. Having these conversations early on can be extremely helpful as you navigate the hills and valleys of life with your partner.

Of course this is best-case scenario, and I know not everyone reading this is in the beginning stages of their relationship. So what if that line’s already been crossed? The most important piece in working through infidelity – whatever the form, is recognizing what was occurring for each of you leading up to the act.

Each partner has a contribution. And I know if you’ve been cheated on by your partner, you may be saying, WTF?? It’s often difficult to see your contribution to an affair, and I totally understand that this may sound crazy if you haven’t crossed that line yourself, but stay with me.

Partners who don’t cheat, but are distant in some other way can also cause damage to the relationship without realizing it. By no means am I condoning an affair, and it’s not about one partner “deserving it,” but it’s about recognizing habits that can cause distance and a need to search elsewhere.

Getting to the point where each partner is able to see their contribution can feel like going through hell and back. But once it’s done, it can be an amazing starting-off point for creating a new relationship where each partner is clear on what they want in the relationship, and how they need to relate to one another in order to keep an infidelity from happening again.

People cheat for many different reasons, but in most cases they are looking for something they aren’t feeling. It isn’t always about the act itself. If you’re teetering on crossing that line, ask yourself what you’re looking for that you’re not getting from your relationship, and have a conversation with your partner about it.

If you’re struggling to have that conversation, I’d love to help. You can contact me at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation where we can discuss ways to get you back on track, and how you might benefit from couples counseling. 

Tips for finding the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga

I recently got a facebook message from a friend I worked with back in the day. She told me she was looking to make some important changes in her life, and thought it was time to talk with a therapist.

Without asking her all of the details, I just asked a few questions that would help me understand what she was looking for. She said she was having issues with her boyfriend, and wasn’t sure if this was the relationship she should be in.

She said she was looking for someone in the area, preferably Rancho Cucamonga. Now, because of our ethical standards, psychologists, MFTs, and LCSWs do not take on clients they already have a relationship with.

This is considered a dual relationship, and in order to give the best therapeutic services to our clients, it’s important that another relationship does not exist prior to the therapeutic relationship as it has a tendency to make things messy. Basically it’s a no-no in our profession.

I gave my friend a few tips about looking for a therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, which I think are pretty helpful so I thought I’d share them with you as well:

A Licensed Psychologist, Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), and Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice setting can all provide talk-therapy.

Their licenses are each governed by different boards, which dictate where they can practice, their scope of practice, and what their licensing requirements are.

In my opinion, the most important factor in finding the right therapist is their specialty.

If I’m having issues with my vision, and I think I might need glasses, I’m likely not going to go to a Cardiologist. I’m going to look for an optometrist.

This is the same with counseling. If you’re looking for help with your romantic relationship, you wouldn’t necessarily want to go to a therapist who specializes in working with children and who does mostly play-therapy.

Regardless of the letters that come after their name, therapists usually have a specialization. For me, it’s women struggling with divorce and infidelity.

In addition to the required coursework and licensing requirements I’ve fulfilled, I completed and internship where I mainly worked with women who were starting over in their lives.

This gave me the passion to continue to work with women in my private practice, and continue to educate myself about how to best work with these issues.

I attend conferences and workshops with this subject matter, read books and articles, and consume a great deal of information about ways to help my clients who are going through divorce and infidelity.

Word of mouth referrals are great. If you feel comfortable talking to friends and family about a great therapist they might have seen for a similar issue that can be super helpful.

I totally get it if you don’t want to put that out there though, and so the internet can be a great tool in finding the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga. There are online therapy listings where you can find someone that specializes in what you’re looking for help with.

Taking the time to educate yourself about what the therapist does and how they work can be really helpful in reducing the anxiety that often comes with making your first appointment. Check out their website, and call for a consultation so that you can get a feel for them over the phone.

If you were to line up three great therapists, but you just don’t click with two of them, then they’re just not the right match for you, and that’s completely ok! You’re going to be delving into a lot of personal and private information, and feeling comfortable with the person helping you is really important, because it can greatly affect the outcome of your therapeutic process.

Lastly, decide whether you are going to use insurance or pay out of pocket for therapy. If you are looking to use insurance to offset the cost, then it’s important to find out through your insurance company what they cover, and which therapists are in your network.

You can ask your insurance company for a list of therapists in Rancho Cucamonga, and then look through those to be sure they specialize in what you’re looking for help with.

This can sometimes limit the number of therapists you are able to see. Many of my clients have insurance but opt not to use it because they were unable to find someone who specializes in divorce and infidelity that was covered by their insurance company, or they just didn’t click with the therapists they talked to who were covered by their insurance plan.

I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Rancho Cucamonga. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call me at (909) 226-6124 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. I’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with divorce or infidelity, you can read more about how I can help by visiting my website at www.ranchocounseling.com.  

#100HappyDays How a social media challenge can help you heal from Heartbreak

The other day I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, and saw my friend’s picture of her with her kids. I glanced at the hastag, #100HappyDays. I have seen it before, and I’m sure you have too. But can we really have 100 happy days in a row?

When you’re in the midst of a face-down moment (yes, I’ve been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately), going through a break-up, or trying to get back on your feet after a devastating life-altering event, it can be difficult to see anything aside from pain and sadness.

I totally get that, and it’s totally ok to hide under the covers and pretend the world doesn’t exist for a little while. But aren’t those covers amazing? Who doesn’t love the comfort of their warm bed after a long day? Those sheets were totally worth the splurge! My point is, there’s a silver lining in everything, and a challenge like #100HappyDays or other social media challenges can help you see that.

After seeing my friend’s post, I decided to do a little research. I googled #100happydays, and it lead me to a website where you can join the challenge. For 100 days, you take a snapshot of something that makes you happy.

And while you may be having a horrible day, and feeing so much hurt and sadness over the loss of your relationship, no one’s day is entirely crappy and a challenge like this can help you to see at least one positive thing in your life each day.

It may be the warm cup of tea at the end of the day, a beautiful flower or sunset you catch a glimpse of on your way to or from work, a snuggle with your cat or dog, or the new cute running shoes you added to your workout wardrobe.

These are all small things, but when we practice gratitude, and are mindful about those things that makes us smile, it can add up to big changes in our lives.

The other great thing about a social media challenge is that it brings about a sense of community and accountability. A while back one of my cousins was doing the #100happydays challenge, and I came to look forward to her happy post each day, and if she wasn’t able to post something for a day, the following day I’d see comments asking what happened to the previous day’s post.

There are other great social media challenges with various focuses, recently I saw someone doing a #FlowerADay challenge, and a facebook group I’m a part of did a 30 day passion challenge where everyone picked something they were passionate about doing more of. Another great example of this was my colleague’s #FitLifeJust1 challenge where everyone posted one thing they were doing to get healthier each day.

Finding a challenge that has a meaningful focus for you can help get you out of a funk, and help you to notice something positive in each day with others there to support you.

As author, Naomi Williams says, “It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment."

Have you participated in a social media challenge? If so, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below. Did you gain any unexpected benefits from participating?