Choosing Joy, Love, and Peace after Tragedy

Admittedly this was going to be a very different post, but in light of the recent mass shooting that took place in San Bernardino, CA, I just had to write about finding happiness in the wake of these tragedies we are hearing about all over the world.

This is a personal post for me to write as well, as I want to be completely honest with you - I’m struggling a bit on how to do this gracefully, but I’m slowly moving forward, choosing joy, love, and peace, and I’ll tell you how.

This tragedy hit very close to home for me. This is my community, this was a place that I had frequented for meetings in a previous job, this was a conference room that I sat in, and these were people that I worked closely with in the past.

I was all gung-ho with Christmas spirit, and shopping happily for family and friends when a woman stopped me in the store to tell me about what had taken place, and I immediately lost every bit of joy from my being. I sat in my car and wept. I then went through the rest of my day in a haze, and was glued to the TV and Internet, listening for details about how this could have possibly happened in my backyard.

I didn’t sleep well the night I heard the news, and was hoping that waking up the next morning would mean it was just a bad dream, but turning on the TV, I realized in fact that it was true. I then inundated myself with more media coverage, trying to piece things together, and find understanding about what it was that could lead these people to take innocent lives.

After hearing the same story be told in various different ways, with no definitive answer about a motive I realized, I’ll never know, and I’ll never fully understand. Regardless of what the media reports the motive was for this couple to commit this horrible act, it will never be good enough, and I will never be able to completely wrap my head around it.

What I can wrap my head around, and what I can understand are the 300 law enforcement officers who responded in the aftermath of this tragedy. I understand the thousands gathering for a candle light vigil, the hundreds of thousands of prayers for victims and their family members, the hundreds of people rushing to give blood to help the wounded, and the countless fundraising campaigns popping up all over the internet to help support the families of the victims.

I understand because I know there is good in the world. I understand because I am choosing to see the love that exists surrounding a tragedy like this.  

I have a choice to push past fear and anxiety, and choose to be present with my children, family and friends. I’m not denying the sadness that I feel when I think about those who lost their lives, and I’m not denying the overwhelming grief their families are feeling right now, or that I’d be feeling had I lost a loved one in this horrific way. All of that exists. I’m also not denying that larger changes need to happen, but I’m not getting into any political debates, because I don’t pretend to have the answers.

The couple responsible for this terrible event is made up of 2 people. Their intent was to rob people of their lives, of their joy and happiness, and create a sense of terror. That was their wish, and I have chosen not to let them succeed, and I urge you to do the same. In order to reduce and manage my distress I am doing the following:

I’m allowing myself to experience my emotions when I feel them, going from shock to sadness, to anger and grief.

I am recognizing that my difficulty sleeping and concentrating are temporary. On the way out of the store after hearing the news, I dropped a bag filled with breakable items – the cute Christmas plates I had bought were shattered, and although I cursed myself in the moment, I understand that my butterfingers were a common side-effect of hearing the shocking news.

I’m surrounding myself with family and friends, and talking about how I’m feeling in the aftermath of all of this.

I’m turning off the news. Although I want to stay informed of the investigation, and want to be sure that there are no other safety threats, it just becomes the same thing over and over, and keeps me stuck in negative feelings.

I’m practicing being present. I’m hugging my children a little tighter, sitting on the floor playing, and looking into my baby’s eyes. I’m savoring the moments that really matter, and loving just a little bit harder.

I’m continuing my regular routines, eating healthy, and taking care of myself. I love a good workout, and I’m using that to decompress and lessen the stress I’m feeling in my body. 

I’m dedicating my meditation and yoga practices to feeling more love, and I’m spending time praying for all involved.

I understand that I can control the way I parent and teach my children to show love, honor and respect for others in hopes of creating a brighter generation.

I’m choosing joy, love, and peace. I hope you will too.

*If you are experiencing grief as a result of this tragedy and don’t feel you are able to get back to your daily functioning, and as though your emotions are very intense, it’s time to get help. Reach out to a mental health professional that can assist you with moving forward. I am also available for a consultation and am happy to help you find a suitable therapist or counselor. 

Making the most of Couples Therapy On your Own

It happens more often than you’d think: things in your relationship aren’t going the way you’d like, arguments are happening more often, but they just aren’t going anywhere, you know your relationship needs help and so you decide couples counseling is what you need. The only problem- your partner doesn’t agree, and doesn’t want to go with you.

I hear this often in my practice. For whatever reason, one person just doesn’t see the benefit of counseling, and the other is adamant that it’s the key to solving the issues in the relationship. One partner makes the call to set up an appointment, and comes to therapy alone in hopes that they can make the shifts they need to create better communication, or to resolve an issue that’s been plaguing their coupledom.

While it might seem like this scenario is a foreshadow of negativity, I’ve seen amazing growth and change happen with only one partner present in therapy. Here are some tips for making the most of it when you’re going alone:

Understand that the only thing you can control is you. This is the premise that makes couples therapy as a single possible. Even when two are in the room, the only thing that you can control is you, your actions, reactions, and the way you operate in your relationship. You can’t change other’s behaviors, thoughts, and emotions, and so once you fully understand and accept that, you can get on the right track to making necessary shifts on your own.  

Take notes. When you journal or jot down ideas about what you’ve learned in your therapy sessions, it helps you to remember what you’re going to do going forward. If your goal is to argue less with your partner, or have more effective arguments as a result of what you’re learning in therapy, write down ways you plan to do this, and practice implementing them.

Talk to your partner about what you’re learning in therapy. Your therapy sessions are confidential, and it’s a time for you to process what’s happening for you in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it has to all be kept hush-hush. Share general ideas that you are learning about yourself, and things you are coming to realize about the relationship with your partner to help them understand what it is you’re actually doing in therapy.

Many times people are fearful of the therapeutic process because they just don’t know what to expect. They have some misconceptions about what therapy might entail, and so if you share with your partner in general what the process is like for you, it might help them shift their opinion about attending.

Don’t be pushy. People have to do things when they’re ready. I think we’ve all had that aha-moment as adults where something your parents told you over and over finally clicked, and you stopped and thought, “Ohhhh, now I get it!” But at the time, when they were trying to get it in your head, you just weren’t ready to receive it, and so you just pushed it aside.

This is the same experience people can have with therapy, and so adding small tidbits about ways it’s helping you can get them to think about ways it might also benefit them, but the moment you go over-board and start demanding that your partner participate is the moment their defense will go right back up.

Lead by example. You’ll likely learn so many great things about how to approach communication, arguments, and interactions with your partner by participating in therapy. Showing your partner what you’ve learned by changing the way you do things might be a little odd to them at first, especially if it’s something completely out of the ordinary, but the more you lead by example, the more change you’ll see in your relationship, or in the way you react to your partner.

Continue to leave the door open. As you continue to make changes in your reactions and interactions with your partner, be sure to let your partner know they are welcome to attend therapy along with you. Begging, pleading, and giving ultimatums (unless you are serious about upholding your end**) won’t likely be as effective as gentle reminders, nudges, and invitations. Approach is key on this one.

**There is a time and place where ultimatums are appropriate, look for more info in an upcoming blog post.

As you continue through therapy it’s important to keep your goals in mind, and to continue talking to your therapist about them. If you haven’t yet started therapy because your partner isn’t willing to go along with you, I’d encourage you to explore it as an option because changes can be made in your relationship even if you are going solo.

Although this time of year tends to be extra busy for most, it’s also an excellent time to begin therapy because the holidays bring up so many challenges and feelings of angst and sadness. If you are anticipating a rough time going through the holidays, I want to encourage you to reach out. I’d be happy to help you get the support you need to get through the holiday season; I can be reached at (909) 226-6124 for a free phone consultation.

I’ve also put together a free 12 Days of Christmas Mindset Boost. You can sign up here for free. If you did the 14-Day Mindset Boost I put out right before Thanksgiving, kudos! I’d love to hear from you about how it helped, or any challenges you may have experienced while going through the exercises. The 12 Days of Christmas Mindset Boost will provide you with 12 emails that include an in-depth exercise for the day that will help you approach the holidays with gratitude and cheer in your heart, in spite of some of the common challenges that make the holidays a bit difficult. 

Same-Sex Friendships: Why they’re important, and how to make them

Remember when you were a kid and you and your BFF rode bikes together, went back and forth from each other’s houses, stayed up way too late laughing at nothing and everything all at the same time?

Moving into adulthood means you won’t likely be spending the night over at your same-sex bestie’s house every other weekend, but it doesn’t have to mean that the benefits of a close relationship like that have to change.

If you aren’t still in touch with your childhood best friend, you aren’t alone. Life gets busy. Work, family, and other obligations often get in the way, and high school and childhood friends often drift away.

It can sometimes be difficult to replace those relationships, but having a same-sex friend that you are able to share things with is so beneficial. When your friend is the same gender, you not only have the same anatomy, but you have the ability to share things that you may not with a romantic partner, or friend of the opposite sex.

There is typically no question of attraction between same-sex friends, (unless of course, one party is not forth-coming with their sexual preference) and so that diminishes some pressure in establishing a deep relationship that can be potentially threatening to a romantic partner.  

In case you haven’t heard, laughter is one of life’s best medicines and truly does have so many scientifically proven health benefits. In addition to sharing a laugh with a close friend, friendships are where we can go to gain strength, encouragement, and understanding.

No matter what you’re going through in life, it’s always better when it’s shared with a friend. Celebrating the highs, and getting encouragement through the lows is so important. But why can they sometimes feel so hard to make, or maintain once you reach adulthood?

The playing field tends to shrink once high school friends drift away for school, employment, and other opportunities. After college, the opportunity to join sororities and clubs is no longer right in front of you and so it can be challenging to find same sex friends who share common interests. 

Depending on the size of the company you work for, and your ability to interact, it can be challenging to cultivate those necessary relationships in the workplace.  Age ranges can differ greatly in the workplace among coworkers, and some places create a culture of competition, which doesn’t always elicit camaraderie.  

Friendships are unique in that they are something we seek out, and are responsible for maintaining. If you’ve found yourself in a place where you can use a few more same sex friendships, then it’s time to step out of your comfort zone and find ways to connect.

Places like meetup.com, and other community-based listing sites can be excellent avenues to find groups of people with common interests. There are literally thousands of groups out there that are gender specific with members truly looking to connect with people that share their interests. There are mommy groups, singles groups, divorcé groups, and couples groups, so regardless of your relationship status there is a group for you.

Community involvement and volunteerism can also open doors to meet others who value altruism and similar causes. Joining an adult sports league, running, hiking, or biking group incorporates fitness and connection. It takes some effort and strength to put yourself out there, but the connections you can make are worth it. 

We also live in an age where our friendships can be virtual. Looking for Facebook or other social media groups where others share similar interests can be an excellent way to “meet,” and once you find people who you’d like to share a more personal connection with, connecting via Skype or facetime can connect you with someone across the country or globe that you really hit it off with. It may not seem the same as sitting across from a friend at a coffee shop, but I’ve shared many cups of coffee with awesome people via a Google Hangout, and felt even more connected (don’t knock it till you try it!).

The avenues for connection are great, and the Internet makes searching so simple, so don’t let your location or place in life be an excuse not to cultivate great friendships. Friendships help us become better versions of ourselves; they make us more successful, and generate happiness.

Let us support you in creating a life filled with more connection! You can book a free 15-minute phone consultation and start a journey towards healing and connection today!

Enjoying the Holidays In spite of your relationship Status

In an attempt to get away from the traditional “Surviving the Holidays” guide, I don’t want to talk about “surviving” something that is meant to be amazing, but instead I want to share ways to have a kick-ass holiday, in spite of your relationship status.

You may be sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table as a single, or with a partner that you’re barely holding on to, but in either case, you can have a rockin’ holiday, and I want to give you some tips to go about doing so.

It all starts with mindset. This is key to so much in our lives. The things we tell ourselves about what is to come, or what is, has the power to take over and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re stuck in loathing the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, and your mind is filled with thoughts of dodging questions about your relationship status, that’s likely what you will experience.

While I admit, sitting at a table filled with couples can remind you of your singleness, but being prepared beforehand, and focusing on your mindset can do wonders for your mood and how you interact with family and friends when they ask you yet again, if you’re ready to get back out there.

From the time of this publication until Turkey Day, you have 2 weeks and 2 days to get your mind right and prepared to have more than just a ho-hum holiday.

Start with gratitude. There are small moments in each day that we can be thankful for. This time of year gets people into posting things on social media about what they are thankful for daily. This is a great exercise, but if you aren’t into the whole social media thing, just do it for yourself. Get a little notebook and keep it by your bedside, or use the note app on your phone and jot down/type at least one thing you are thankful for each day.

Is there something that your relationship status has brought you that you can be thankful for? Looking for the silver lining in crappy situations can be powerful. Maybe you and your partner are going through a rough patch in your relationship, but it’s caused you to think more deeply about your relationship, and who you want to be as a partner. Introspection and growth are amazing things, and we sometimes need a difficult situation to kick us in the gut to help us realize it’s something we need. This is something to be thankful for, and something you can write down in your notes.

Check your limiting beliefs and that tape that plays on repeat in your head. What is it that you tell yourself about yourself? What do you tell yourself about your relationship? Are you constantly repeating over and over that you’re a horrible person for causing a break-up, or the difficult path you and your partner are on right now?

You might be saying these things to yourself and not even realize you’re doing it. Take some time out to listen to the messages you’re giving yourself, and what happens right before that, to evoke those messages.

Let me give you a personal example: I’m a person that has had a tendency to run a few minutes late to events and non-work stuff, and by a few I mean 5-15 depending on the day. It’s not something I’m proud of, but something I’m definitely working on. I noticed that I was typically showing up to wherever I needed to be, frazzled and unexcited. Getting out of the house can be a chore with a 1 year-old in tow.

When I sat down and really started thinking about my mindset and the things I was telling myself, I heard things like, “you’re never on time!” “OMG get your act together already!” “If you just would’ve gotten off the couch 10 minutes sooner, you wouldn’t be in such a rush!” and other expletives that I won’t share here. But it’s no wonder why, when I arrived to my destination that I didn’t have energy or excitement about whatever it was that I was about to do. I was spending the entire car ride mentally tearing myself apart.

After dissecting these thoughts, I came to the conclusion that I needed to change the tape that I was playing in my head when I am running late. Instead of negative thoughts, I’ve replaced them with loving affirmations. I say things like, “you are awesome,” “this event is going to be great,” and reminders about why I signed up for said event, and things that just evoke happiness. You can fill in your blank with anything positive that you see fit. But I can attest to the fact that positivity is powerful, and being kind to yourself has the ability to change a future event from something you drag your feet to, to something amazing.

As for that baby-shower I helped host over the weekend, I totally rocked it, and it was because of my mindset. I arrived with energy, eagerness to work the crowd, and I was ready to pour out all the love I had for my friend and her new baby.

I won’t pretend this is easy. Changing automatic thoughts can take weeks, months, and even years. Sometimes there are deeper-rooted issues that keep you stuck in those mindsets, but if you take the time to listen and figure out what those issues are, then you can begin working towards clearing them up.

Once you identify the negative things you’re telling yourself, it’s time to pick some new things you’d like to say instead. Write them down, and read them to yourself when you wake up, before you go to bed, and any other time you get a moment. This will help you to memorize them and recall them when you’re in that negative situation, and by the time you pull up to your parent’s house on Thanksgiving, you will be able to recite them and remind yourself of how awesome you are, and of the positive things you have to look forward to while sitting at the dinner table.

While you might not be able to change what’s happening with your partner in time for Thanksgiving, you can mentally prepare yourself for family asking about when they’ll be hearing the pitter-patter of little feet. Anticipating those types of questions that typically make you cringe, and identifying the messages you tell yourself as a result of those questions will make a world of difference.

If you know Aunt Agnes is going to ask you why you’re still not married, and you know that will in-turn cause you to over-eat, ever-drink, or over-indulge in self loathing for the remainder of the night, nip that pattern in the bud. Show up having done some work around this, and prepare a new plan of action, a new affirmation, and a new state of being so that question will just roll off your back, and you can change to subject and point out all of the fabulous things you’re doing with your life these days a result of being single.

Watching your newly married cousin and her husband play footsie under the table can have you wishing for better days with your spouse, but if you meet that head-on with a plan to focus on what the holiday is all about – a favorite dish, tradition, or a laugh you’re looking forward to having with your cousin who’s in from out of state, your mindset can help keep you thankful, and looking forward to the next family gathering. A relationship issue may be all consuming, but if you take a minute to step outside and look around, you will see that you are more than your relationship, and there truly are things to be thankful for if you just give them a chance.

If you want a little kick in the butt to get you motivated to change your mindset in preparation for the holiday season, you can click here to get my 14-Day Mindset Boost Calendar, where you’ll find a small exercise each day to help you clear the clutter, and get you prepared to truly enjoy your holiday. 

Getting to the emotion and Getting your message heard by your Partner

When you’re going through it with your partner, and there’s an ongoing argument or issue, it can be so easy to get caught up in the words that are being said. You might start an argument about something that was said that didn’t sit well with you, but end up dissecting the words, or focusing on the time and place an incident happened.

What you wanted to talk about doesn’t get addressed, and you end the argument and go to bed angry because things just weren’t going anywhere. But where did you go wrong?

If you’ve ever worked with me, you know one of my favorite questions to ask is, “but what’s the feeling behind that?” I tend to get a little excited about this question, and typically say this with emphasis because I think the answer is what leads to the magic in a relationship.

It’s the key to truly getting your message heard, and getting a response from your partner that may change the course of an argument, and a skill that can change how you fight in the future.

When you begin an argument with your partner, the way that you engage in that argument can happen in many different ways. Couples tend to do a sort of dance, where their arguments take on a familiar pattern.

Your pattern might be: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to pick a fight about (fill in the blank here with something completely unrelated, such as not putting the laundry in the dryer), your partner engages in this unrelated argument, and you take this as an opportunity to fight about the laundry, but also throw in a piece about feeling ignored. Your partner ignores the part about being ignored, and becomes upset because he/she’s tired of being criticized. You both become tired of arguing. No solution is reached, and you go to bed angry because you’ve run out of things to say. In the morning you go about your days, hardly saying a word, and as the day goes on, you forget about the argument and go back to business as usual.  

In this scenario, the issue that was really bothering you was never addressed or even really discussed with your partner. When you don’t get the things that bother you addressed or resolved in your relationship, it becomes like a thorn in your side, and can cause that dirty little word – resentment.

The land of resentment is a dangerous place to be in your relationship because it greatly impacts the way you love and interact with your partner, and it can sometimes be difficult to initially detect.

Avoiding Resentment by getting to the feeling

Let’s go back and redo that argument in a more productive way: I’m angry with my partner for (fill in this blank with something like, I’m feeling ignored in the relationship), so I’m going to address the issue head-on, you engage your partner in a conversation where you talk about feeling ignored in the relationship, and how it makes you feel. Instead of picking an argument about something unrelated, you get to the feeling and say something like, “I’ve been feeling sad lately, and like I’m being ignored by you. This makes me feel like I’m not important to you.”

Going to the feeling, and openly sharing that with your partner gives them the opportunity to respond to your emotion. In 99% of cases, your partner isn’t trying to hurt your feelings, and will respond with concern when given the opportunity. This opens up an opportunity for you to make a request about their behavior moving forward, and clarify what you need.  

Simple, right? While it’s easy for me to write out this simple formula, it’s often more difficult to do and takes practice. It’s easy to get caught up in building your argument, and fear of vulnerability sets in at times when you get to the point where you share your feelings. But my hope is that you can ask yourself, “what’s the most important thing that I need to communicate to my partner in this scenario?” Hint: it’s your feeling behind what’s happened; the emotion it’s evoked.

If you find that you get caught up in other things and have difficulty understanding and getting to your feelings, I’d love to help. Couples counseling can be a great way to improve your communication skills together, and get your relationship back on track. Give me a call at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation.