Why do people cheat?

I just wrapped up a podcast interview, and I was asked by the host a question that I get asked a lot – why do people cheat? In my practice I work with 3 groups of clients:

The first group are the men and women who have cheated, and they are looking to understand why they did what they did, and they’re also trying to understand the loss of their relationship and start over.

The second group are the couples where one partner has cheated, but they’ve resolved to stick together for the time being and see if they can repair their relationship.

The third group are the men or women who have been injured by their partner’s cheating, and for whatever reason their partner isn’t willing to come to therapy with them, and they are trying to make sense of what’s happened and make the best decisions about how to move forward whether that be with or without their partner.

No matter which group the client falls into, they inevitably ask me why? Why would my partner do this to me? Why would my partner risk what we have for a temporary fling, or a long-term relationship with someone else without first just breaking up our marriage?

I’ll start with the caveat that I’m not a researcher, but of course I have my own observations from what I see in my practice, and I read the research. People cheat for all sorts of different reasons, and it happens in all demographics – men cheat, women cheat, people in their 50’s cheat, and so do people in their 20’s and 30’s.

When I break it down to the smallest common denominator, and really get to the bottom of the reasoning I’d say they do it because it makes them feel alive in some way. It’s exciting. It brings out parts of them that have become dormant during the course of their marriage, although it doesn’t always appear that way looking at it on the outside.

When you look at it in a more broad sense, a man can be cheating on his wife because he’s not satisfied with their relationship – and it doesn’t always have to be the sexual relationship. It could be that he’s not happy because things have become stagnant, they aren’t talking about what’s important and they aren't connecting in a way that breeds intimacy. 

This man may be doing things just to appease his wife because he doesn’t want to deal with her controlling nature, or her nagging him and so he’s become quiet in some way, he’s become inauthentic and no longer true to himself and he meets this other woman at just the right time, and this other women makes those parts of him come alive.

Cheating can also come from a sense of loss. A woman may cheat after she’s lost something or someone – she may have lost a parent, or her sense of freedom as she’s become a parent herself. Through this experience of loss there are parts of her that she’s also lost and so she is looking to feel alive, and an affair creates a sense of life within her.

Cheating is also much easier than a long-term marriage. It can be all the fun parts of the beginning of a relationship that bring about that rush of emotions and euphoria that comes along with newness, and there’s no dealing with juggling the kid’s carpool or sports schedules. There is a freedom that comes along with an isolated relationship that exists only in those few hours in which both parties can sneak away.

While every couple and every situation is different and it may look very different on the outside, inside people are trying to feel more alive in some way. I am in no way condoning cheating as a mechanism of coping, however in order to do this work, I have to “get it,” and find understanding without judgment.

If you are struggling to make sense of an infidelity, I’d love to help. You can contact me for a free phone consultation at (909) 226-6124 and I’d be happy to help you begin the healing process.

If you have recently discovered your partner has been unfaithful, and are wondering what you should do next, click here to get my free guide, "My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity," it will help you take the right steps after such a life-altering discovery and learn what to do in order to have effective communication. 

Celebrating Valentine’s Day When Love Sucks

I love reading to my 17-month old son. I love it so much, but for mostly selfish reasons; it’s the only time he just sits on my lap and cuddles with me, and I also get to read all my favorite Dr. Seuss books all over again. As a child I always knew those little books were magical – I mean I could tell by the crazy pictures, Mr. Seuss had it goin on, but as an adult I realize just how many fantastic lessons we can learn from his crazy imagination.

I was reading 'Oh, the thinks you can Think' the other day and it really made me think (go figure) about how much control we have over any situation just based on the thoughts and meaning we give to it. We are our thoughts. Our reality is what we make of it.

Valentine’s Day is heading towards us like a steamroller, or as some say, “Single Awareness Day,” or for many of you it may be “WTF-is-going-on-with-my-relationship-anyways-day.” When your relationship is lackluster, and not exactly what you had imagined, holidays – even silly ones like Valentine’s Day can be like a stab in the heart because they serve as that crappy reminder that things just aren’t right.

But rather than hide under the covers all day loathing in self-pity, I want to encourage you to take some time for yourself, change your thoughts and reality, and celebrate anyway.

First things first though – take some time to acknowledge what you’re feeling. If you’re not sure what the heck is going on with your partner and how the two of you may or may not be celebrating together, acknowledge how that makes you feel. Write it down along with the ways you’d like to feel on this day (or any day for that matter).

Next, close the gap. What can get you from feeling the way you do now, to feeling the way you’d really like? If you want to feel loved, appreciated, or accepted, how can you create that for yourself?

Who are the people in your life, aside from your partner that make you feel those things? Are any of them free to do brunch, lunch, drinks, or some sort of class on V-Day? If you’re not sure, find out! Use your support system for all it’s worth. Most people automatically assume that their BFF will be celebrating with their honey, but because they love you too, they really are willing to be there to do something fun with you as well, you just have to ask.

Pay attention to those false negative beliefs you might be carrying and holding on to. That Eeyore voice in your head that says “no one has time for me, so why should I bother?” will keep you stuck, so tell it to be quiet, and ask a friend or family member for a little QT. 

If you’d rather go solo because that voice is just relentless, then think of other things that make you feel what you’re looking to feel on this day. Often giving helps us get those feels we love. Is there someone that you’d love to shower with a little bouquet or homemade cookies? You can channel your energy into creating something nice for a friend or relative to take your mind off of your relationship.

You can also shower yourself with the gifts you’d love to receive. Go get a massage, haircut, pedicure, or grab your own flowers, and spend time remembering that the most important love we have comes from ourselves. We have to fill our cups in order to give to others, so use this day as an excuse to pamper yourself, and fill up your own cup.

No matter how you decide to celebrate, acknowledge your feelings, but resolve to push past them even if just for the day. You have power over your thoughts. Notice how many times you tell yourself something negative about what the day means, and challenge yourself to shift those negative thoughts just long enough to feel a little positivity.

If nothing else, before your feet hit the floor on the start of Valentine’s Day, make a list in your head of at least 10 things that you are grateful for. This will shift your mood and remind you that no matter what’s going on in your relationship, your entire life is much bigger. “You can think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” Dr. Seuss.

When using ultimatums Backfires

“If he doesn’t propose by Valentine’s Day, I’m leaving!”

“If you talk to her one more time, this relationship is over!”

“If you don’t come to therapy with me, I’ll know you don’t care, and so I’ll have no choice but to move out.”

As a therapist my role is not to give advice. I help my clients come to their own decision about where they want to go in their relationships and I like to think of therapy as a road trip where the client is in the driver seat, and I’m in the passenger seat with the map. They tell me where they want to go and I hear their input and direct them using the best route.

I undoubtedly get direct questions though when people are unsatisfied with their relationships like, “do you think I should give him (or her) an ultimatum?” and while I do my best to avoid giving my direct opinion, there are definitely times when I want to give a straight answer – no (but it depends).

It depends on the status and history of your relationship. It depends on what behavior you are looking to diminish by giving said ultimatum. It depends on how destructive said behavior is. Ultimately it really depends on your willingness to follow through with your end of the ultimatum, and that’s where, if it’s not carried out right, it can truly backfire.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship where you just aren’t being treated the way you deserve, there really isn’t any reason to wait until your partner disrespects you one more time in order to force you to leave. Instead, check in with what’s going right, and with what’s causing you to have one foot out the door. Compare the pro and con lists; are the cons things that go against your values? Is there forward movement in repairing those issues?

Giving a blanket ultimatum and threatening to leave the relationship when things get tough doesn’t elicit trust or confidence. Some people threaten to leave over minor things just to get their partner’s attention, and this is really unhealthy due to the insecurity it elicits.

In many cases, having a true heart to heart conversation with your partner can be much more impactful than giving an ultimatum.

There are cases in which you can be totally invested in the relationship, and just not feeling the same from your partner, and so giving an ultimatum for them to work towards repairing a huge point of contention in your relationship as a last and final effort on your part can be beneficial. With that said, be prepared to follow through with your end of the ultimatum.

If you’re serious about getting over the hump and having your partner on the same page, and express this with an ultimatum it should be time sensitive and something you’ve truly thought out. Make your expectations clear and measurable, and do so in a respectable way – a conversation in which you’re clear headed and able to speak without letting your emotions take over is best.

Follow through. If you are considering an ultimatum, think about what it will be like to follow through. What will that mean for you and the status of your relationship? If you’re threatening to leave, do you have a place to go? Make plans ahead of time so that you are able to follow through in a reasonable amount of time.

Without follow through an ultimatum is useless, so consider other ways to repair the damage in your relationship before heading in that direction. Think about your goal, and reflect on other options. Counseling is a great option when things become stagnant in your personal life. Having a neutral party to help you to move in the right direction and provide that roadmap you need, can be extremely valuable. If it’s something you’re considering, I’d love to hear from you, and help you find a therapist that’s right for you (909) 226-6124. 

Coping with Grief & Loss

A large part of my job is hearing of the struggles and losses of others and helping them heal and overcome those losses. Part of that healing comes from understanding what is normal and to be expected in certain situations.

I feel as though I am personally in a season of loss, and haven’t gone more than a few weeks without hearing of someone I care about losing a loved one. Grief is thick and strong and whether it is grief that comes from the loss of a relationship, or the loss of someone to illness or tragedy, it has varying shades, and the stages are the same.

I have been asked how I can help others if I haven’t experienced the situations that they are going through, and my answer is always the same: no two people experience the same thing in the same way, however I have experienced the emotions that come along with the different situations that I help others through.

I know sadness, loss, pain, and grief, and I also know joy, love, happiness, and connection. The other answer I typically give when posed with this question is: You don’t see cancer doctor because they’ve also had cancer, but you see them because they understand the science and steps that will help you heal.

No one can know exactly what a loss may look and feel like for you, however there are 5 common stages of grief that have been outlined and studied by Swiss Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross that are well known and used by many helpers and healers and understanding where you are in terms of these stages helps normalize the situation and know what to expect. The common acronym for the 5 stages is, DABDA:

1.     Denial: in the face of a loss, the first reaction is denial that this could possibly happen. Denial is, “this isn’t happening,” “this can’t be happening,” “there must be some sort of misunderstanding or mistake,” “we can fix this.” It usually lasts only a short time, because it is difficult to deny the outward indications of what is happening.

2.     Anger: when denial no longer works, many people move to anger. Anger is, “Why would she be in that spot at that time, doesn’t’ she know how dangerous it is!?” “I can’t stand him anyway,” “I can’t believe God let this happen!” “How could I have let this happen? I can’t even look at myself right now.” People become angry at the person they’ve lost, others involved for causing the loss, or themselves for not doing something to prevent the loss.

3.     Bargaining: in this stage people sometimes bargain with God, or themselves in order to reverse the loss or impending loss. Bargaining is, “please God, just bring them back, and I swear I’ll live a better lifestyle,” “If I could just have one more moment with that person, I know I can save them, and our relationship,” This is seen more in situations that are less severe such as the loss of a job, but can occur in all types of losses.

4.     Depression: in this stage, the person experiences depression, and may stop doing daily activities. They may refuse to leave the house or have visitors and have much less energy. It’s also common for people in this stage to question life and the reason for moving forward if they too are going to die someday, or be met with the loss of another job, romantic relationship, or friendship.

5.     Acceptance: in this final stage, the person comes to accept the loss, and begins to make peace and resolves to move forward and find ways to commemorate their time with a person they’ve lost. Acceptance is, “this is happening, and my relationship is over, but I will move forward and look for what I truly want in my next relationship,” “although I’ve lost my mom, her legacy will love on in me, and I will teach my own children the lessons she taught me.”

Although these stages are presented in a logical order, it’s common for you to go back and forth between the stages. There is no set length for each stage, however if you are in the depression stage for longer than 2 months after the loss of a loved one and feel as though you are unable to get out of that sadness, have difficulty sleeping, and experience weight loss and low energy, this is a sign of Major Depression and you should seek the help of a therapist, psychiatrist, or consult your physician.

Depression symptoms after divorce, break-up, or losing a job that are lasting longer than one month can also be cause for concern, and the same advice applies.

It’s not possible to remove the various trials, peaks and valleys from our lives, but it is possible to find better ways to cope. If you are having difficulty coping with a recent loss, I’m here to help point you in the right direction and you can contact me at (909)226-6124 for a free phone consultation and we can talk about ways you start to feel better and pull yourself out of grief. 

Why? And other questions after Infidelity

There are so many questions that come up after one partner has an affair, and the main question that I hear when working with couples struggling to move forward is, why? This is usually one of the main questions asked by the injured partner, however it is typically something that the participating partner has the most difficulty answering.

There are various ways in which couples deal with affairs, they either 1) ignore the problem and hope to push past it without truly delving into discussing it explicitly 2) spend even more time together, and try to “love it out” in a sense, or 3) they separate in an attempt to stop fighting about it.

Wanting to know why your partner did this to you seems as though it will unlock so much, and help you to move forward. But in my opinion, and in the work that I do with couples I’ve found that there isn’t always one definitive answer that’s really good enough for the injured partner, and it typically takes a great amount of time for the participating partner to truly understand why they decided to look stray. 

This can be extremely frustrating for the injured partner, and difficult to understand, however I suggest more important things to focus on while getting to the “why?”:

1.     What about us? In the initial phase of healing from infidelity it is important to set boundaries for daily living and talk about how you will continue to be in the same household during this emotional time.

2.     Have you considered leaving the relationship? Although it isn’t vital to have a definitive answer at this point, it is helpful to find understanding in your partner’s feeling about staying in the relationship and working through the infidelity.

3.     What level of intimacy feels ok right now? Considering what normal activities feel right at the time and discussing them with your partner are essential in creating healthy boundaries in the initial phase of recovery. Deciding to do things like have coffee together in the mornings, hug, kiss, hold hands, and sleep in the same bed, and being vocal about what feels right will help keep everyone on the same page. I also suggest that you talk about what happens if you begin to feel uncomfortable with anything that you’ve agreed to try.

4.     What are we committed to doing in the short term? Creatinga short term plan to work towards healing and moving past the affair may be all you can commit to, and that’s ok. While there isn’t a definite time frame for this, it should be something both partners agree to and feel comfortable with. Within this commitment should be parameters about how you will work to improve the relationship and might sound something like, “I propose we work intensely on our relationship for the next 3 months and then reassess. That means attending weekly counseling, completing all homework set forth by our therapist, and continuing to stay in the home together, and making our relationship our top priority to see if we can indeed get past this.”

5.     Are you committed to a process of learning about how we each contributed to this affair happening? If so, are you willing to take responsibility? Are you committed to learning more about us individually and as a couple? I know this is a three-part question, but in order to move forward you must have all three components. This should also be something that each partner will commit to doing in small increments of time. While the larger question is always whether or not you should stay together, it is a process that occurs in order to find the answer.

Secrecy plays a huge role in an affair and is what the injured partner typically has the most difficulty dealing with and so if the participating partner is willing to be honest about their feelings and their commitment to move forward, this will help greatly in creating a new normal and in rebuilding trust.

Communicating after infidelity can be incredibly challenging. I see many individuals and couples struggle to find the appropriate way to move forward after their partner has been unfaithful, and so I’ve created a FREE guide titled, “My husband cheated: Communicating with your partner in the wake of Infidelity” and you can get it by signing up here. Whether you are the injured or participating partner, there is great info for both in learning to communicate after infidelity, so I hope you’ll get your copy!

If you could use more support and want to talk about the possibility of couples counseling, please give me a call at (909) 226-6124. I’m happy to chat with you about the benefits of counseling and how you can begin to move forward.