Is my teen Depressed?

Pimples, boyfriends, social media, the high school drama. Today’s teens have it pretty rough. You may find yourself asking, “Is this normal teenage moodiness or something else?”

With the surge of hormones, rapidly changing feelings, and social obsession the teenage years can be challenging.

It may be hard to tell if what your teen is feeling is normal teenage behavior.

Between 15 to 20 % of teens experience depression before adulthood, and less than half of these teens are being treated for depression. Untreated depression in teens can have many negative long-term effects. Teens with prolonged depression are at greater risk of suicide, are less likely to complete high-school, and may lead the teen to developpoor self-confidence and low self-esteem.   

Many times depression in teens is overlooked because it is confused with being “a part of the teenage process.”

Depression in teens is very different from teenage moodiness.

Signs of depression in teens :

If you aren’t sure if what your teen is feeling is really depression or normal teenage moodiness, the following list includes key signs of major depression in teens. You can use this list to help you determine if your teen may need some extra help.

• Your teen is cutting or engaging in other self harm behaviors.

• Someone in you family has depression or other mental problems.

• Your teen’s not doing well in school, is less social, or has quit hobbies or recreational activities.

• Your teen has thoughts of suicide, or a history of suicide attempts.

• Your teen thinks they are worthless and often focuses on their flaws or negative traits.

• Your teen’s sleeping and eating patterns have significantly changed.

• Your teen is experiencing anxiety and often feels overwhelmed.

• Others, including yourself, have noticed an obvious change in your teen’s personality.

• Your teen has reported feelings of sadness or depression lasting longer than a 2 week period.

• Your teen recently experienced a significant life stressor including the loss of a love one, family life conflict, abuse or trauma, or issues with gender/sexual orientation.

Teens who seek counseling for depression are less likely to be affected by long-term depression and report a greater sense of well-being. Therapy for teen’s with depression can reduce many negative side effects including substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide, other high risk behaviors.

If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, or you believe you are at risk, seek further consultation.  This checklist is not intended to be used in leu of professional assistance, and a diagnosis can not be made without proper consultation with a mental health professional.  For more information visit www.RanchoCounseling.com or contact Raquel Buchanan, MA. at (818) 839-2032. 

10 Ways for Mamas to Recharge

Whether you’ve had a long day with the kiddos, a trying day at work, or pretty simple and easy day, self care for mom seems to get put on the backburner. I hear things like, “There’s not enough time,” or “How can I prioritize myself above my kids?”

The best metaphor I can use here is pouring from an empty cup.

If we have nothing, we’ve got nothing to give.

I explained a little more in-depth about the necessary superpower of asking for help in my last post, so if you haven’t checked it out go and do yourself a huge favor ;)

I’ll admit that mommy guilt can creep up on me like a storm, and running a business can take me away from spending as much time as I think I’m “supposed to” with my kids. After a long day, I want to get in bed with the baby and run my hands over his angel soft little cheeks, and shower him with kisses. I can let that guilt turn me into a fairy Godmother, that grants all the wishes I possibly can in the hour I see them before they go off to bed, and when the sun rises the following day that guilt can trick me into thinking I have to give like I’ve never given before.

I tell myself things like, “I’m going to be present, we are only eating organic, and I’m not going to look at my phone once for the next 24 hours because I was gone all day yesterday, and I really need to give, give, give of myself to this little being." I seriously sound like my favorite #momtruths mamas, Cat & Nat in this hilarious video.

That video is so hilarious because it’s just so true!    

I get to about noon, and all that presence wears me out. My business and my people are so rewarding and fun, but even a day at Disneyland takes a toll and you eventually wish for some quarters for that machine that gives the crumby foot massage. That foot massage is what gives you the pep back in your step and pushes you toward that last ride and then to the car.

It’s not fair to think that we can be present at ALL times. In order to do all the things, mamas need to time to themselves, they need that foot massage to get over the hump, and they need to fill their cup so they can give to their people.

Here are 10 things you can do to recharge your batteries that I think are so much better than that crumby foot massage machine:

1.     Meditate.

In the last several months I’ve become obsessed with my Headspace app. You might think of meditation as some strange thing that only monks do, but it’s truly like a little cat nap for your brain and I highly recommend it. Mama brains are like a website browser that has 1,000 tabs open at all times, and it can be seriously overwhelming to have all the tasks and to-dos floating around in there. Take 10 minutes out of your day and refocus your mind. You’ll come back to your day feeling a little lighter and a little more refreshed.  

2.     Journal.

Capture all of the things that you are grateful for, and the fantastic moments of the day that you don’t want to forget. I love The 5-minute Journal, and it comes in paper form or as an app. When we focus our minds on gratitude, it helps to melt away stress and anxiety and bring us back to what’s really important.

3.     Give yourself permission to use naptime as your time.

Instead of catching up on chores, do something for yourself. Call a friend and catch up, watch that show you've been meaning to get to, even if it's only for 30 minutes and the rest of the time you actually catch up on chores - they're always going to be there. A happy, present mama is worth so much more than a load of laundry. 

4.     Take a bath. 

That sudsy goodness isn’t just for your little ones! After a long day, a nice dip in the tub with the door closed and locked, and no tiny hands rummaging through bathroom cabinets can do wonders for your mind and your body. If you don’t have a bathtub, take a nice long, hot shower. Listen to some music, and indulge in some nice aromatherapy with a sweet-smelling bath salt or body wash.

5.     Hit the gym.

If you can't get to the gym, try something like Stroller Strides, or create your own workout at home. There are so many solutions to the problem of not having childcare, so hit up Google for some exercises with kiddos and babies. Exercise will give you more energy and boost your endorphin levels helping you feel less anxiety and more self-confidence.

6.     Create a space just for you in your home.

For me this is my office. It’s where I go to write, and think, and meditate. Truthfully, it isn’t even all mine, because I share it with my hubby who also works out of there, but that piece of space is just for me. Having a small corner somewhere in your home or yard that’s decorated just for you where you can read, do yoga, or just pass by and look at will remind you that there is more to you than just being mama. Create a little space that’s inviting that will remind you to take a couple minutes for yourself each day.

7.     Join a moms group.

I know not all moms see the value in this, and it can be scary to put yourself out there and meet a group of strangers, but knowing that you’re not alone in your journey as a mama is so important. If you don’t feel up to meeting new people, and already have a group of friends that also have kids, arrange to meet up on an ongoing basis – once a week for a park date or activity. The emphasis here is on connection and the kids will love it too.

8.     Plan a MNO, and make it a recurring event in your calendar. 

Having a kid-free event with your pals on the calendar can help you survive a hellish week of teething, tantrums, and carpool. Plan something fun and give yourself permission to let daddy or the babysitter be in charge for an evening so you can enjoy yourself and do something that makes you happy.

9.     Get a massage or spa treatment. 

Do it without guilt. Carrying around little ones doesn’t just take a toll on your brain, but also on your body. If you can’t realistically plan a full day to indulge at a spa, try booking a 30-minute massage and sneaking out to indulge a little. While you might initially feel a little guilty for this indulgence, focus on the way you feel when you return home to your little people, and keep that in mind. Filling your cup is what’s important here.

10. Plan a retreat weekend. 

This might sound like a big leap here, and as I shared in my last post, I didn’t get to this one for a while. I took a retreat for a long weekend with a fantastic group of Lady Bosses, and it was fantastic! It took some planning and preparation to leave for 3 days, but I came back refreshed, and rejuvenated. Not having to cook or clean up after people, and enjoying full meals without interruption can sometimes be what we need to wind us back up!

So there you have it – I’ve given you 10 ways to recharge and fill your own cup. As you may have noticed, I started small. If taking time for yourself seems selfish, start small and work your way up to doing things that take a little more time and planning, or create your own list and pick and choose things that make you feel like your best self. If you’re not quite sure how to do that, and could use some help, I’m so happy to support my fellow mamas out there, don’t hesitate – pick up the phone and call me (909)226-6124.

The Superpower Every Mom Needs

There is the hierarchy in family life in which everything aligns. At the top is you. The mom. The person who holds it all together, the knower of all – we’ve all heard the saying “It’s not lost until mom doesn’t know where it is,” right?

Everything hinges on mom. Mom knows where everything is, and knows the perfect sequence of all that must align in order to get the kids where they need to be and keep the household running on a daily basis. Mom knows what to pack; mom knows the perfect toy or stuffed animal that’s going to keep the baby from crying the whole way to grandma’s house. Everything and everyone is dependent on mom.

And that can be insanely exhausting!

What I’ve learned from talking with the moms I work with in my practice and from my own experience is that this pressure for mom to have it all together happens for a couple of different reasons.

One of the biggest reasons is that mom has trouble asking for help.

She feels as though she can do it all, she runs herself ragged trying to do it all, and does do it all. Until she can’t.

When you can’t do it all, frustration, anger, and sometimes even rage are the results.

Anger towards your partner - that should’ve known you needed help.

Anger towards the cars in front of you that are moving like snails and making you late for the doctor’s appointment.

Anger towards the kids for having the unnecessary tantrum in the waiting room over their juice being the wrong flavor.

So why not just relinquish control?

Well, because no one else knows how to do it quite right.

They don’t know that you need to kiss the boo-boo 4 times before you put the band-aide on, or that you need to pack the diaper cream and the cold pills because your little guy’s stuffy nose and diaper rash can flair up out of nowhere. No one will be as careful, no one will be as attentive, and no one will be as loving.

Mom must do it all.

But what happens when you can’t? What happens when you feel the crazy overwhelm that turns you into Monstermom - you know, where your head spins around twice and then you spew out your anger like a fire-breathing dragon?

Or maybe you cry a little. Or a lot. You hide in the bathroom after the kids are asleep and just break down into a good ol ugly cry. You feel sorry for yourself. No one else can possibly understand how hard this mom thing is, can they?   

You might wonder if it is really this hard for everyone else. Your partner certainly doesn’t understand, he acts like it should be a breeze – damn, it is a breeze for him. Why doesn’t he get as overwhelmed as you?

What if being supermom meant something a little different?

What if instead of it meaning that you create the perfect bento box lunch, and remember to write the perfect note to your child daily, it meant that you knew how to ask for help?

What if doing it all meant that you show up for your kids, and didn’t get so overwhelmed? What if it meant that you were able to be present, that your mind didn’t race, and that you no longer were fearful of leaving your kids with grandma for a night?

What if your new superpower became asking for help, before you needed it?

What if it meant taking care of yourself before your kids?

I’m here to tell you that, THAT is a superpower!

I’m willing to bet you a pack of fruit snacks that you have at least 2 people in your life that would be willing to help you on any given day. One of them probably sleeps right next to you every night.

It’s not easy to ask for help. I get it. No one can do it the way you do, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! They may just do it differently, and if you live in the US, there’s probably a store located within driving distance where you can purchase anything that may have been forgotten.

I’ve been on a weekend retreat with 9 other fantastic therapists, all sharing ideas, inspiration, and support to one another in a cabin on Lake Tahoe. Sure I miss my kids and my husband, but it’s really hard to write these posts, and get other projects done in the house while also trying to be supermom.

What’s even harder though, is trying to pour from an empty cup.

I’ve had 3 fabulous days to get work done, collaborate, talk, laugh, and enjoy some beautiful scenery. Working through a weekend might not sound that fab to everyone, but I love the work I do, and it fills my cup.

Even though I know my 2 year old has likely had more screen time, and sugar over the weekend than I would have given him, he’s with people that love and care about him. They don’t do it the same way I do, but what’s more important to me is getting back to him and doing it my way with a sense of calm and the ability to be present, which I’ve come to recognize only comes when I take care of myself first.

I didn’t get to this place where I could be away for an entire weekend overnight, and I don’t expect you to either. It doesn’t even always take an entire weekend, and I’m so blessed to be able to do something like this, but it’s a mama superpower to recognize when I need to recharge.

Next week I’m going to share 10 ways you can tap into this superpower and recharge on the fly, so be sure to look for my post in your inbox. See ya there! Until then think about ways you can let go a little and ask for what you need. If you continue to struggle with this, I’m happy to help, give me a call and we can talk about whether joining out Mindful Mum Tribe is right for you (909) 226-6124.

My Husband Cheated. Am I to Blame?

“How could I have been so stupid?”

“Why did I believe him when he said he was busy with work all of those late nights?” 

“How did I not see it coming?”

These are all pretty common reactions and themes that I hear when women come in to see me after they’ve discovered their partner has had an affair.

When I sit and compare the way men and women react after discovering infidelity, the difference is clear. Men tend to react with anger. Women tend to react with self-blame.

Men might not react by becoming physically violent, but they share fantasies about hurting their spouse’s affair partner.

Women retreat and look at themselves. They consider all of the things they did or did not do throughout their entire marriage. They wonder whom they could have been more or less like.

“Maybe if I were skinnier… kept a cleaner house… listened to him talk more about work… asked the right questions to get him to really tell me what was going on…”

If only, if only, if only. And to that, I call bullshit!

All you have to do is check out the cover of any gossip magazine to know that those thoughts are distorted. Even the most beautiful women get cheated on. They have help, their homes are immaculate, they get paid to look good, and yet somehow the men in their lives manage to stray.

The bottom line is that if someone is determined to cheat, they are going to cheat. You can’t clean, cook, or work out enough to change their mind.

When people cheat it isn’t about their partner.

Did you just read that?

When he cheated it wasn’t about you.

It was about him, and how he felt. The entire act of cheating is incredibly selfish, and while people are in the act, their spouses are typically farthest from their minds.

You may have missed the warning signs, and you may have made it easy for him to get away with it, and continue the affair, but that was likely due to the fact that you trusted. You loved and you trusted, and you believed that the person who vowed to be with you forever, would.

There’s no fault in that. That’s what we are supposed to do in order to have a good relationship.

Sometimes people are not the best at creating and voicing boundaries. It can be uncomfortable to bring something up that might make you think you sound like a crazy person. Things like, “I saw you hug your female coworker at the company party and it seemed like you held on just a couple seconds too long.”

Maybe you thought something, or saw something, and you had a gut reaction to it, but you ignored it because you didn’t want to rock the boat. That’s completely normal, and the truth is, if you had brought it up it may have gotten your partner to stop for a second and consider their behavior, but if they were determined to cheat, it wouldn’t have stopped them.

Most people who cheat tell me that they didn’t intend for it to happen - actually almost all of them tell me that. If they’re in denial about their responsibility, they typically say, “it just happened,” and to that I call bullshit as well because like my friend Robyn says, “you don’t just trip and fall in another woman’s vagina.” You just don’t.

But the people who are ready to understand their behavior often tell me that they reached a point of no return, and they got in over their heads. They usually say they didn’t intend for it to happen, and for all the pain and suffering it has caused their partner, they truly wish they could take it back.

They tell me that things were not great in their marriage, and that they didn’t know how to talk about it or fix it.

But what did she have that I didn’t?

There may have been a ton of qualities that the other woman had that differed from yours. But the honest to goodness truth is that the other woman had a relationship that was based on nothing other than mutual pleasure.

Extramarital relationships exist in vacuums. Your partner didn’t share any responsibilities with that other person, they weren’t raising kids with them, and they didn’t share a mortgage, car payments, or any of the other, not-so-sexy things that come along with marriage.

We all have choices. Unfortunately your partner made a poor one, and didn’t come to you first in an attempt to repair the issues in your relationship that caused them to stray, but it’s not too late, and even though it’s an uphill battle, you can repair the damage that’s been done if each person is willing to do the hard work. 

If you still can’t see that you aren’t to blame for your partner’s affair, one our couples therapists can help! From intensives, online couples counseling and in person therapy, we help couples heal from infidelity. Call (909) 600-0306 or you can click below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.

How to love your Cheating Partner

Your partner has shattered your world.

The relationship that you once had is no longer, and maybe you’re still on the fence about staying in the relationship, but you certainly don’t know how to love them at the moment, and should you?

I have so many injured partners who sit on my couch and tell me similar stories. Stories of hating and loving their cheating partner all at the same time.

They often say things like, “I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the fact that I still want to be with this person, shouldn’t I hate them for what they’ve done to me?”

Dealing with infidelity is like getting on a roller coaster that you didn’t know you got strapped into. The emotions are high, and they are also really low, and they are incredibly confusing.

The only way to love your partner through something like this is to try understand them. But you also need to understand yourself.  

The greatest misconception that people have about cheaters is if they do it once, they will always do it – “once a cheater, always a cheater, right? Wrong.

Affairs happen more than people think. It’s really easy to say, “If my partner ever did that, I’d leave in a heartbeat!” But when push comes to shove, there’s often way too much at stake. There’s a long history and relationship that’s been cultivated for years, and ending it abruptly is often so difficult to fathom.

More people are staying together after infidelity than the public thinks – they just aren’t talking about it.

I advise my clients who are struggling in this area not to share it with family and friends. When they are working to repair their relationship either by themselves or along with their partner, they are taking the time to heal and to learn new ways of approaching the relationship so that it doesn’t happen again.

When the affair is disclosed to close friends and family that surround them, they are rightfully upset and angered that their sister/brother/friend/daughter/son was treated in such a way. But when the couple comes out on the other end of it with a new perspective, a new relationship, and have healed, their friends and family haven’t done the work that they have, and can be stuck in their anger towards the cheating spouse and often find it difficult to forgive.

Another common misconception about cheating partners is that they are solely responsible for what’s transpired in the relationship. People cheat for many different reasons, but both partners have some responsibility in what was happening in the relationship prior to the infidelity.

It can be incredibly difficult for an injured partner to hear that they somehow played a role in the infidelity. I’m not saying that the infidelity was their fault, and it’s important not to misconstrue or take this out of context, but there are often challenges that are occurring in the relationship prior to a partner stepping outside of it.

It could be as simple as not communicating in a way that one’s partner can hear. Is that totally your fault? No, absolutely not. But that’s when the work in couples counseling becomes about learning how to communicate in a way that will allow your partner to be receptive.

Most people who cheat want their partners to know that they didn’t go into the relationship with the intent to do so.

Sometimes there is a breakdown that happens during the course of the relationship, and the cheating partner feels lost and unable to find their way back. People who cheat don’t always understand why they did it, and it can take months for them to get to a place where they have learned enough about themselves to identify where they got off track, and what lead them to make the horrible decision to cheat.

If your partner has cheated there are a couple of things that you can start doing today to improve your relationship:

1.     Get support. Seek out counseling for yourself with someone who specializes in infidelity issues. You need a sounding board and a safe place to vent your anger and frustration. While it might seem like a good idea to use your partner as that sounding board, it’s really not the greatest way to go about it – you may say things you’ll regret later.

2.     Start journaling. While you’re looking for a therapist get a journal and start writing down your thoughts. This will help you understand your emotions and organize your thoughts in such a way that you can be a better communicator with your partner when you do have those difficult conversations.

3.     Decide what is important to know about the affair and what isn’t. Things like: how does this impact our relationship? Do you understand why you made the decision to go outside of our marriage to find something? Where do you want our relationship to go in the future?

All of those questions are very different than things like: where did you do it? Was she better than me? What types of things did you talk about? These questions fall into the category of what I call, emotional cutting, things that you want to know out of curiosity, even though you know that hearing them is just going to cause you pain.

4.     Start thinking about the boundaries and things that need to happen in order for you to want to move forward and repair your relationship. For most, the first thing is that the affair needs to stop, as does any and all types of communication with the affair partner.

But would you feel more comfortable if you had all email and cell phone passwords for the first few months as you work on the relationship together? Do you need your partner to move to a different department at work so they are no longer in close proximity to the other person? This is where your support and journaling will help to keep you on track, and making sure that you’re asking for things to better your relationship and not just to spite your partner.

It’s difficult to know the exact statistics surrounding infidelity, but it’s estimated that 35% of couples decide to stay together after infidelity, and according to the American Association of Marriage and Family therapists, about 15% of women, and 25% of men say they’ve had sex outside of their marriage. When you factor in things like cyber relationships, and emotional affairs, those numbers increase by 20% according to AAMFT.

The number of couples staying together after infidelity may be even higher, as I stated earlier, many people experiences it but don’t talk about it. It’s a difficult thing to bring up, especially when you’re not sure what the fate of the relationship will be. But the future can be promising if both partners are able to own their faults and learn to create a new relationship that is more fulfilling.

In seeing those statistics, my hope is that you take away the fact that you are not alone.

If your partner has been unfaithful, know that you are not crazy to want to stay, or to want to go, or to have no idea what it is you want, and you’re not crazy for still loving them.

What you’ve experienced is a psychological trauma, and you must treat it as such. Take care of yourself first, and you can make the big decisions later after you’ve started to regain your strength and have gotten the support that you need. 

If you could use some more support in understanding your relationship and what you really want after experiencing infidelity, please reach out and we can talk about ways therapy can help (909) 226-6124.