5 Reasons Couples Counseling DOESN’T Work

One of the top google searches when it comes to couples therapy is, “does couples therapy work?” This is a logical and important question. Before you make the investment of your time, energy, and money to work on your relationship, I think it’s important to know how to get the most out of those investments. The short answer to that questions is no, it doesn’t always work, but here’s why: 

1. You see a  generalist rather than a specialist. 

I talk a lot about the importance of seeing a therapist who specializes in what it is you are looking for help with in my previous post about how to find a therapist. It is the number one thing you should be looking for when you set out to hire someone to help you with your relationship. 

I’ve had so many couples come to see me and tell me something egregious they’ve experienced with previous therapists. Things like, “well, the last therapist told us we should just get divorced,” or, “all she advised us to do was to have more date nights.” Not helpful. 

When I dig a little deeper and ask about the therapist it typically comes out that they were selected off of a list that their insurance company provided, or they were the first person available. Also not helpful. 

If you are having trouble with your eyes, you don’t go and see your primary care physician. You make an appointment with an Opthomolgist or Optometrist - someone who specializes in eye and vision care. This is the same way you should approach your search for a couples therapist. You don’t want someone who claims to specialize in everything from A-Z because they likely can’t give you the specialized care and treatment that you need. 

In my practice I have one main focus: couples. Through my education and training I have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but I have come to find that working with couples is my forte, and it’s what I’m most passionate about. Because I have dedicated my practice to working with couples it means that all of my continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that I can in this subject area, and I have attended many, many trainings that can help me be a better clinician in this exact area.  

2. You don’t attend sessions as often as recommended or for an optimal amount of time. 

A second reason couples therapy doesn’t work is that couples don’t invest the amount of time necessary to truly develop lasting change. When people tell me their last attempt at couples therapy wasn’t helpful, and I ask how many sessions they attended, the numbers are typically pretty low. If you can count on one hand the number of sessions you’ve attended, you can’t really expect a whole lot of change to come of that. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

In my practice I work with couples who are willing to show up on a weekly basis, because I have come to find that that is optimal and it is what leads to results.   

3. You look to the therapist to do the work for you. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

It is not possible for the therapist to follow you home and implement the things you are learning in the therapy room for you - that is up to you. So if you uncover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

4. You don’t do your homework. 

I give my clients homework all the time. I tell them what to focus on throughout the week between sessions, I recommend books for them to read, youtube videos for them to watch, and things to discuss outside our sessions. The clients who take the time to do the homework are the clients who are the most successful. They are the clients who report the most growth and change, and they are the couples who reach their goals the fastest. 

This goes back to the principle of time spent working on the relationship. If you are only spending one hour a week focusing on your relationship and hoping for massive change, that is not enough. It has to be on the forefront of your mind throughout the week as well, and homework is designed to help with that. 

5. You don’t give your therapist necessary feedback. 

If you don’t like starting sessions with smalltalk, then it is appropriate to ask your therapist to avoid it. Or maybe, you really don’t want any parenting advice, but instead would like to focus more on the parenting dynamic between you and your partner - it’s ok and necessary to speak up and let your therapist know how you are feeling. I’ve heard many clients tell me about things they disliked about their previous therapist, but when I inquire further, they often say they didn’t bring those things up to the therapist. In my practice I regularly seek out my client’s opinions of what the process is like for them, and check in regularly about what they like to change or focus on. 

Your therapist should also be seeking your feedback. It’s not always easy and it may even seem like you are being confrontational if you bring up something you dislike about their style, but our training prepares us for this. The therapeutic relationship also represents an authentic relationship, and so your therapist should be welcoming of criticism and requests in order to help strengthen your relationship, and to provide you with the best service possible. Holding back and not asking for what you need can result in poor therapeutic outcomes. 

If you have any questions for me, or if you are interested in working on your relationship, you can schedule a 15-minute phone consultation here.  

Why is it so hard to be Quarantined with my Partner?

I just wrapped up my 4th week of seeing clients online, and everyone seems to be settling into their new normal.  For many this includes social distancing, working from home, and trying to figure out how to juggle working and also homeschooling kids from home - it’s a lot! 

Since I specialize in working with couples, relationship issues aren’t a surprise to me. Relationship issues are normal. But what’s not normal is doing all of the tasks that we once did in various locations all in one space, and trying to maintain healthy boundaries. 

To de-stress I used to head to my local yoga studio, take a heated, sweaty class, finish feeling grounded, chat with my friends, and then come home. Now I head to my bedroom to try and do an online class and hope that one of my small children isn’t hot on my heels. In the middle of said class, it’s been a miracle if I’m not joined by my toddler who also wants to try some yoga. The result is usually her becoming upset that I’m hogging MY yoga mat. 

There’s a part of me that loves to see her try to do yoga with me, and then there’s a part of me that is utterly annoyed at the fact that I’m not getting the same results from what used to be my go-to self-care routine. 

For most of us, that separation is not just a luxury, but it was something that was necessary. The commute to work provided a time of separation from home to the staff meeting. Sending kids off to school provided time for many parents to work or get things done around the house, and who we are in our work environments offered separation from who we need to be at home. 

Now the lines are blurred. Everything is happening at the kitchen table - the work, the schoolwork, the meetings, and the meals, and it can create a magnified effect for relationship issues. 

So take some time to create those separations. Have a conversation with your partner about your previous de-stressors, and how you can create that feeling of separateness in order to still partake in them. 

Do you need to create a schedule in order to help uphold those times, and so one of you can keep an eye on the kids so the other can get work done or get some exercise in? If so, then talk to your partner openly about your needs. 

Discuss alone time. Commutes, time out with friends, and chats in the office break room with coworkers allow us to exist separately from our partners. But without those things, it can feel like we need to be together all the time because we are now in the same space 24/7 - but that is not the case. 

Our need for alone time is needed now more than ever before, so talk about it. Talk about what you’d like that to look like in your home, and how you can support one another’s needs. 

Think about having these conversations when things are neutral. Bringing them up in the heat of the moment often leads to blow-ups and misunderstandings. Avoid blaming and criticizing, and discuss the emotion that comes up for you when you aren’t able to do the things you once enjoyed, and make requests - ask for what you need from your partner to feel supported, and offer to reciprocate to help them feel more comfortable during this time. 

If this is something you could use more support with, please reach out! We are accepting new clients online, and are happy to help you improve the communication and connection with your partner! 

IDK WTF I’m doing Either

We are on our 19th day of social distancing/quarantine, and you read that correctly - I don’t know wtf I’m doing either. 

It seems surreal that just a few weeks ago I was sitting across from clients in my office, and going about my week as usual, and then everything changed. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. 

The past 3 weeks have been like a roller coaster. Shifting my entire caseload online, working from home, homeschooling errrr, trying not to feel guilty about all the screentime my kids are getting, having our 20 year old daughter move back home from college, and making 1,284 +1 meals a day - how many meals do toddlers need in a day?? 

It’s been exhausting, and I’m just riding the wave like everyone else. Being a therapist doesn't make you immune from issues and stresses, and it certainly doesn’t offer immunity from the effects of a global pandemic.   

But as I write this today, on my 19th day of social distancing, I’m feeling like I’ve found my stride. I’m adjusting to this new normal, and I’ve moved out of my grief about it all (for now). 

But that’s where you still might be - paralyzed with anxiety, grieving and feeling depressed about the huge shifts and things that you’ve had to give up, cancel, and adjust to, and that’s ok too. No one has been through this, and therefore there are no right answers - we are all just doing the best we can. 

While I don’t know how to navigate my home life all the time, there are still things that I do know:

I’ve always known that community is important, and I’ve been involved in a handful that have really helped me in so many ways. I think our leaders got it wrong when they titled it, “Social Distancing,” because what we need isn’t to be socially distant, what we need is to be physically distant. 

Keep reaching out to the communities that you belong to online. If there isn’t an online presence for them already, you can create one - this has been really big for me, and kept me sane through the past couple of weeks. Checking in with friends, colleagues, and family online has been awesome. 

I know that there are couples out there that are still struggling, and that sheltering in place together is like having a microscope on your relationship. I know this because I’m still seeing them on my computer screen, and I’m still getting calls from them. 

I’ve had several couples tell me that this is actually a good time for them, because they are both home now due to work schedule changes, and they are able to use the time to focus on their relationships. 

I’ve also had couples tell me that they didn’t know how things would go as we shifted our work online, but that they have been pleasantly surprised to see that it is almost like being in the office. 

In the past couple of weeks I’ve also worked with couples whose small children were in the room during our sessions, and guess what? Instead of them being a huge distraction as they had feared, having the kids there allowed me to see their parenting dynamic, and it was all grist for the mill and extremely helpful. 

Right now social gatherings are on hold. But what’s not on hold is our emotional experience, and my clients are continuing to show up online and do the work that they know can’t wait until this “blows over.” The truth is, we don’t know when this is going to be over, so I urge you to take the time now to do the work and to reach out for therapy. There’s really never a right time, so even if you think online therapy isn’t ideal, you may be pleasantly surprised.

3 Reasons you SHOULD be Fighting

“But we never fight…”

When a couple I’m working with tells me this I am worried. 

More worried than when a couple tells me they fight constantly. 

Why? Because fighting is inevitable. Two people who come from two totally different backgrounds, upbringings, with different views and opinions are bound to disagree. It’s the nature of relationships, and having conflict is actually healthy. 

I am a very solution-focused therapist and that means that from the moment a couple walks in to see me, I want to know what needs to happen in order for them to feel better, and for them to say therapy is working for them. 

This usually means they’ll be having less explosive conflict, they’ll be feeling more connected, and as though they are able to manage their conflict better - not eliminate it. 

The measure is never, “we will stop fighting.” When you stop fighting that means there are things that aren’t being said. It means one or both of you is people pleasing, avoiding conflict, being passive aggressive, or harboring resentment. 

According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of all conflict is perpetual. Meaning there is no resolution to 69% of the arguments you will have with your partner. Meaning you’re going to fight about it until death do you part. No matter what type of couple you are. Even the “Master Couples”- the couples with the highest levels of satisfaction and connection, experience perpetual conflict at this same rate. 

So why should you be fighting? Let’s get into it shall we:

Reason #1 that you SHOULD be engaging in conflict with your partner is that conflict allows great opportunities for growth and intimacy. 

The goal isn’t to win or to get your partner to see things your way. The goal of a conflict is to reach a resolution. When you are able to fight with mutual respect and maintain the admiration you have for one another, conflict allows you to have open dialogue. It allows you to share you views and thoughts openly. 

Sharing openly requires some level of vulnerability, and vulnerability breads intimacy and closeness. 

Reason #2 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is that conflict provides an opportunity for you to learn more about your partner. 

This is one of my favorite things to witness as a therapist. When a couple is sitting across from me and they are going at it in conflict, I help them to peel back the layers and get in deep. Partners are often surprised at what they learn when they see their spouse like this. 

A fight about whether to leave the tv on or off as you fall asleep can turn into you hearing a story about how your partner was lonely at night while growing up because his mom worked nights and he used the tv to help calm him. 

Initially it may seem like a nuisance, and like he or she just isn’t respecting your sleep. But getting into a conflict and having open dialogue helps peel back the layers, and you or your partner may reveal something that the other had no idea about. 

Reason #3 that you SHOULD be fighting with your partner is conflict allows you to renew your commitment to the relationship. 

I think we all take our vow “for better or for worse,” hoping that the “worse” part never actually happens, maybe thinking we aren’t like everyone else, and we won’t even really need that part. 

But a lifetime is long, and conflict is inevitable. When it does arise and you meet it with mutual respect and gain understanding, looking back and being able to appreciate the ability to navigate that challenge alongside your partner helps to renew your commitment for one another. 

So while it might not feel like it, right smack, in the middle of your conflict, you can find appreciation for yourselves. The thought that in spite of you both being imperfect, you are still together, and continue to choose to be, is an amazing feeling. 

If you’re having trouble navigating arguments with your partner, and can’t seem to stop having the same arguments over and over, this could be a sign of gridlock which can be challenging to get out of. Or maybe you’re not arguing at all, and realizing it’s not as healthy as you once thought - either way, we are here to help. Feel free to reach out! 

2 Ways to Restore Trust

The road to rebuilding trust is a long one. It’s not for the faint of heart, and it takes commitment. If there’s been a trust violation in your relationship then this post is for you.

I bet you remember a time when trust was just there, it wasn't something you had to work for, or something your partner had to work for. In the beginning of relationships we typically go into them with a neutral playing field, and trust isn’t questioned - until it is.

Trust violations come in all different forms. In my practice I help couples work through some major trust violations such as infidelity. Some of the questions I often get in the first session when a couple discloses the trust violation that occurred is, “do you think this is fixable?”

That’s a pretty loaded question. One that I can’t readily answer based on what I learn in one 50-minute session. But that’s because it takes time to understand each partner’s investment in the relationship. If both partners are committed and are willing to really look at themselves and do the work in therapy, then yes, most things are fixable.

Another question I get asked often is, “do you consider this cheating?” I’ve had couples tell me about one partner creating a private social media account and flirting with the opposite sex and chatting through those accounts. I’ve had couples tell me about emotional affairs with coworkers that never become physical, but where love was professed and exchanged through emails. I’ve also sat with couples where one or both partners have had one night stands, or physical relationships outside the marriage for months or even years.

The point isn’t about what I think, or how I define cheating - and my answer is always the same: what does your partner think? If your partner defines your behavior as something that’s violated their trust, then that’s all that really matters.

So what do you do once the trust has been broken? How do you get it back?

Well, the first thing you need is patience. This doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen with one or even multiple “I’m sorries.”

Today I’m going to share 3 things you can do to restore trust in your relationship.

Let me just first start by saying that rebuilding trust can take months and even years in some cases, so if you’re looking for a quick fix, you’re not going to find it – but in the grand scheme of life, this is just a season in your relationship and commitment is about knowing  this relationship is your lifelong journey and no matter what, you’re going to do what it takes to make things work.

The two things I’m going to share with you represent only a short list of things that you can do to work on rebuilding trust and it might take some trial and error to get them right so patience is key!

Alright, let’s get into it, shall we?

The first thing you can do to rebuild trust in your relationship is to be open and honest. If you’ve been unfaithful and hurt your partner, the number one thing you can do is answer all of their questions openly, honestly, and without getting defensive.

If you screwed up you’ve gotta own that shit!

The biggest mistake people make is trying to protect their partner from the truth. They think, “if I just tell my partner a little bit of what happened, then they won’t be so hurt,” but what ends up happening is you give them a little, and then they bring it up again, and in that conversation you give a little more, and the next conversation, a little more.

Each time you give more than you did the first time, you negate any progress you’ve made. Your partner won’t see you as honest, and they will continue to sniff for clues, and pepper you with questions, expecting that there will be more they don’t yet know about - which keeps the cycle going.

It’s totally normal to want to shield your partner out of fear for hurting them, but it does much more damage in the long run so be open and honest from the get go.

Just as an aside – you might be wondering why your partner is asking the same questions over and over, maybe just in different ways. This is also very normal.

Betrayal is incredibly difficult to deal with. When your partner finds out you’ve cheated, they are really struggling to make sense of everything. The life that they thought they had, and the relationship they felt solid about is now no longer the same. They begin to question whether or not they ever really knew you because they were likely under the assumption that you’d never do something like that.

Asking the same questions over and over is a trauma response. When people’s lives get turned upside down, it’s just their attempt to make sense of what they once felt very normal about – the life and the relationship they didn’t question.

The second thing you can do to rebuild trust is to hold vigil for the relationship. This is a concept I talk about extensively when I’m helping a couple in therapy. Holding vigil for the relationship means that you hold the responsibility for bringing up the transgression.

As you work to communicate after an affair you’ll come to see the things that trigger your partner, and in those moments, it’s your duty to acknowledge that trigger and offer an apology, and the opportunity for them to talk.

For example, if you had extensive inappropriate text exchanges with someone outside of your relationship, it would be normal for your partner to feel triggered every time they see you on your phone. So the next time you’re texting on your phone – before you even see your partner become uncomfortable, you need to be the one to bring it up.

Say something like, “I’m sorry babe, I’m just responding to some work texts. I know this is a trigger for you, and if you want to talk, just know I’m here and I’m committed to working on our relationship.”

The worst thing you can do is try and fly under the radar, pray that your partner doesn’t bring it up, and move on even though you see their discomfort. You need to be empathetic to what your partner is going through – when a trigger comes up, betrayed partners get flooded with anxiety. Things might have been going well that day, and then this trigger comes up, and they struggle with whether to bring it up or not. Of course they don’t want to ruin a good day, but they are also afraid that things will get pushed under the rug, and you’ll forget about their pain. This is a really difficult position to be in, in addition to the hurt they have been dealing with because of the betrayal.     

Recovering from an affair is one of the most difficult things a couple can go through, but it is possible. Just remember what I said about the length of time it takes to rebuild trust, and don’t lose hope, because one of the best predictors of recovery is a couple’s ability to continue to hold hope for the relationship.

If that seems daunting, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. As a therapist I am the holder of hope, and the couple’s biggest cheerleader when they sit on my couch, and their hope is lost.

Needing therapy doesn’t mean that your relationship is over, it’s a sign that you are willing to try what you haven’t before to repair the damage that’s been done.