Couples Counseling: When Saying Yes Creates Resentment

The other day, my 6-year-old daughter asked me to do a craft with her. I had a whole list of to-dos that I wanted to get done that day, and I knew if I didn’t get started early, I’d never complete all the things on my list.

She begged and pleaded with me, and I gave in. We made an origami sword that she ended up being obsessed with. She said it made her feel so powerful.

I wish I could say it was a great activity and that it was totally worth pushing off my to-do list for.

But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.

She asked me to do a craft with her, but I ended up doing it for her. She did some cutting and project management, but it was an involved process that included many folds, multiple papers, and a glue gun. It was not something she could have completed on her own.

I begrudgingly folded and glued, and even though she came with excitement and encouragement, I was resentful.

I felt the annoyance radiating through my body, and it didn’t allow me to show up with an open heart. I was short and uninterested. It wasn’t what she deserved. It wasn’t even her fault. It was mine.

I had said yes when I meant no.

The entire project took maybe 30 minutes, but the entire time I was distracted thinking about what I needed to get done before we headed out on our camping trip the next day. I was grumpy and didn’t appreciate her enthusiasm and sweetness.

When it was finished, I totally regretted my withdrawn attitude.

That’s not how I want to show up in my relationship with her.

How Avoiding Conflict Creates Resentment in Relationships

That’s not how any of us should show up in our relationships, but it’s how I see so many couples show up toward one another.

As a therapist who provides couples counseling, I often see resentment growing when people say yes when they really mean no. We convince ourselves we're being kind, accommodating, or keeping the peace. But underneath the surface, resentment begins to build.

And when we feel resentful, it impacts our mood, our communication, and the way we approach the people we love most.

I was withdrawn with my daughter and unappreciative of her excitement.

How many times have you begrudgingly attended an event with your partner and looked for any reason not to have a good time?

You might drag your feet and show up late. You might nitpick the food, criticize the company, or find fault with your partner throughout the evening.

When we say yes when we mean no, it often leads to passive-aggressive behavior, emotional distance, and resentment. Ironically, the very conflict we were trying to avoid often becomes much bigger later.

Why Couples Avoid Difficult Conversations

So why do we do it?

Most people do it to avoid conflict.

Many people also do it because they don't want to disappoint their partner. Others do it because they feel guilty about something that happened in the relationship and believe they need to make up for it by always saying yes.

This is especially common after a betrayal, breach of trust, or major relationship conflict.

If you feel like you have to go along with whatever your partner wants because you made a mistake in the past, there is really no amount of people-pleasing or good deeds that will repair the relationship.

Healthy relationships aren't built on obligation.

They're built on honesty, authenticity, and open communication.

What Couples Counseling Teaches About Healthy Communication

One of the goals of couples counseling is helping partners communicate honestly without fear of conflict.

Conflict itself isn't the problem.

In fact, healthy conflict can lead to deeper intimacy, greater understanding, and stronger emotional connection.

The real problem is when couples avoid difficult conversations altogether.

When you continually suppress your feelings, avoid expressing your needs, or agree to things you don't actually want, resentment begins to take root. Over time, resentment can create emotional distance, increase defensiveness, and leave both partners feeling misunderstood.

Learning to say:

• "I don't have the capacity for that right now."

• "Can we find a compromise?"

• "I want to support you, but I also need to be honest about what I'm feeling."

These conversations may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but they create much more connection than silently carrying resentment.

Couples Counseling Can Help You Stop Avoiding Conflict

If you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations, walking on eggshells, or struggling to express your needs, it may be time to take a closer look at what's happening beneath the surface.

You aren't showing up authentically, and you're doing a disservice to both your partner and the relationship.

Often, it's a sign that important issues aren't being addressed through open dialogue. Healing happens when both partners feel safe enough to be honest about their needs, disappointments, fears, and desires.

Sometimes that healing comes from doing your own inner work. Sometimes it comes from working together with a trained therapist through couples counseling.

The good news is that it's never too late to start having the conversations you've been avoiding.

If you're ready for a fresh start and want to improve communication, resolve resentment, and strengthen your relationship, we're here to help.

Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn more about couples counseling, relationship therapy, and intensive couples therapy options available in Rancho Cucamonga, Temecula, or online throughout California.

Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps couples heal after infidelity, years of resentment, and the exhaustion of feeling stuck in the same painful patterns.

Her work helps partners begin to understand each other again, rebuild appreciation, and create lasting change with a focused, supportive approach. Alicia uses brain based techniques, including Brainspotting and ketamine assisted psychotherapy, in an intensive format that gives couples more room to heal without the start and stop of weekly sessions.

Learn more about Alicia’s work with affair recovery intensives, relationship therapy, and ketamine therapy, or visit her About page.

When Marriage Feels Hopeless: How Couples Counseling Rancho Cucamonga Can Help

When that rage burns through your body like a dragon breathing fire because you feel like your partner is never going to get it, do you feel like just burning it all down?

Do you want to throw in the towel and wave your white flag?

Do you feel like locking the front door and simply walking away?

If so, you're not alone.

As a therapist providing couples counseling Rancho Cucamonga, I meet with many couples who arrive feeling exactly this way.

I know it feels like things will never get better.

I know these cycles can leave you feeling paralyzed and withdrawn. They make it hard to focus on your work, your children, and the life you've worked so hard to build.

That feeling is terrible—feeling so stuck and not knowing what to do next. The guilt. The shame. The exhaustion.

You can go back and fight it out again, or you can retreat and try to soothe yourself with the usual distractions: social media, shopping, drinks with friends, or maybe another trip to the gym.

For a little while, these things help you forget about the rage, sadness, and disappointment of finding yourself in the exact same place you've been for far too long.

But those coping strategies are only temporary.

When Disconnection Takes Over

Deep down, you know this isn't how you truly want to live.

You don't want to feel numb and disconnected from your partner. You don't want to miss out on your children's lives because you're emotionally exhausted. You don't want to hand them another screen because you simply don't have the energy to engage the way you'd like.

I'm not judging you.

I know you're doing the best you can right now.

But I also know you're capable of so much more.

I want to remind you of a couple of things.

First, you're still in this relationship for a reason—probably several reasons.

Maybe it's your children. Maybe it's the life you've built together. Maybe it's the love that still exists beneath all the hurt and resentment.

Those things matter.

If they didn't, you probably wouldn't be searching for marriage counseling Rancho Cucamonga or looking for answers online.

I also want to remind you of another time in your relationship.

You can probably remember a season when you felt deeply connected to your partner. A time when you were in love and filled with hope and excitement for the future.

Right now, it may be difficult to even remember what life felt like before all the fighting.

But not being able to remember doesn't mean those moments never existed.

It simply means you're exhausted from riding the merry-go-round of conflict.

The Negative Cycle Many Couples Experience

Does this sound familiar?

You blow up.

You push each other away.

Someone gives the silent treatment.

Eventually, because of children, schedules, or shared responsibilities, you begin speaking again.

Someone extends an olive branch.

Things return to "normal"—until the next argument.

And then the cycle starts all over again.

I know these cycles well because I hear them every single day in my practice.

When couples walk into my office for the first time, I ask them to describe the dance they do during conflict. While every relationship is unique, the patterns are often surprisingly similar.

The cycle is frustrating not only because it's exhausting, but because it's unproductive.

You're not actually resolving the issues underneath the conflict.

You're simply surviving until the next blow-up.

And you already know you'll probably have the exact same argument again in a few weeks.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

You don't have to stay stuck.

Healing is possible.

With the right support, you can learn to communicate in ways that help both of you feel heard, respected, connected, and loved again.

Whether you're struggling with constant conflict, emotional distance, or feeling more like roommates than partners, relationship counseling can help you understand the patterns keeping you stuck and create new ways of connecting.

If you're ready to get off the merry-go-round and start creating lasting change, couples counseling Rancho Cucamonga can help.

Reach out today to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation. Together, we'll explore what's happening in your relationship and discuss the next steps toward healing and reconnection.

Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps couples heal after infidelity, years of resentment, and the exhaustion of feeling stuck in the same painful patterns.

Her work helps partners begin to understand each other again, rebuild appreciation, and create lasting change with a focused, supportive approach. Alicia uses brain based techniques, including Brainspotting and ketamine assisted psychotherapy, in an intensive format that gives couples more room to heal without the start and stop of weekly sessions.

Learn more about Alicia’s work with affair recovery intensives, relationship therapy, and ketamine therapy, or visit her About page.

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?

I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.

The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things. 

One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together. 

Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “no we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.” 

I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?” 

It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection. 

So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why: 

If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.  

If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue. 

If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said. 

In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked. 

When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this: 

In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way. 

This is mostly behavioral change. 

After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns. 

This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy. 

The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving. 

The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins. 

This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior. 

At this point in time a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship. 

Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship. 

I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy. 

If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes. 

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better. 

Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship. 

When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it! 

Will Marriage Counseling Help?

This is one of the top searches on google. Most people want to know if something will work before they invest their time and energy into it. It’s the reason sites like Yelp are so popular and customer reviews are the most read part of product information. 

Marriage counseling absolutely does help but under certain conditions. 

Here are 3 things that will give you much better results from marriage counseling: 

1. Seeing a therapist that is an actual marriage specialist.

Finding a couples therapist in Rancho Cucamonga, CA can be tough - it’s hard to find the right therapist in any area (I’m speaking from personal experience - it took me 6 months to find my therapist and I”m a therapist who knows what to look for!). 

But if you wanted an eye exam you would see an ophthalmologist, not a podiatrist. You also wouldn’t see a generalist. 

In our practice we have one main focus: couples. Through our education and training we have worked with many individual clients and even some children, but have come to find that working with couples is our forte, and it’s what we are most passionate about. Because we have dedicated our practice to working with couples it means that all of our continuing education is focused on honing those skills, on learning all that we can in this subject area, and we have attended many, many trainings that can help us be better clinicians in this exact area. 

This is what you want to look for, not Suzy Save’em-all who specializes in everything A-Z and takes a new training every other month based on whatever she needs to learn to help clients she’s feeling stuck with. 

2. You attend sessions frequently and for an optimal amount of time. 

At Rancho Counseling we recommend weekly therapy, and tell couples to plan to be in therapy for at least 6 months. 

Developing the skills that are necessary to create lasting change takes time. Think about how long you and your partner have been together, and how long you’ve been stuck in the same relational patterns. When you become accustomed to these patterns over time, it takes time to learn a new way, and to implement those things you are learning. 

Couples therapy isn’t like a regular doctor’s appointment. You don’t go in once, get a prescription, and then take it and move on. Therapy is a process, and in order for that process to work, you must invest the time. 

Another common issue is with the frequency of sessions. If you are seeing a therapist once a month you are literally spending one hour, out of the 730 hours focused on your relationship - think about that ratio. That is truly not enough time or energy to create change. 

3. You and your partner show up and are ready to work. Many people make the mistake of thinking the therapist is going to do the work for them, and that just by showing up their relationship will be fixed. 

A couple’s therapist is like a guide. If you were to hire a guide to take you through a hike in a national forest, you would expect that guide to show you all of the amazing points of interest along that trek, point out areas you should avoid, and help you find your way. 

You would not expect that guide to move your feet for you - it is expected that you walk and climb alongside that guide, follow what he/she has to say, and do the work that it takes to get you to the peak, so that you can enjoy the amazing scenery. This is the same with therapy. 

If you discover in therapy that you often become critical of your partner, and that has become detrimental to your relationship because of the hurt it is causing your partner, then it is up to you to change that pattern when you are outside the office. That process may be slow, and you might slip up from time to time, but ultimately you are the one who must create that change. 

If you have any questions about how couples therapy can help, or just general questions about therapy, ask away! I LOVE hearing from you! Leave a comment below or schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation here.