Let’s Talk About Sex! How Much Should We Be Having?


Is your sex life with your partner like a firework show on the 4th? Or more like a tiny sparkler in the corner of that show? 

Either way, it’s important to know that long-term relationships ebb and flow. Things outside the bedroom change, and can cause some major shifts and changes between the sheets. 

But how much sex should you be having in order to keep that spark going??

Well, I have a short answer, and a long answer, because that seems to be the way my brain likes to roll, and because the short answer inevitably leads to the long answer. 

The short answer is: whatever you and your partner are both comfy with. But this is where communication, trust, and understanding come in (along with my long answer): 

In the beginning of a relationship it’s normal for the sex to be hot, heavy, and happening all the time. But as the relationship progresses, it’s likely that the frequency decreases, and that’s totally normal. The frequency isn’t as important as the quality of the sex. 

If you and your partner are both getting your needs met in the bedroom, and each of you feels like you can be sexually expressive, one time a week of amazing sex can be just as satisfying and connecting as 5 nights of stale or bad sex. 

If you’re in the middle of a sex-slump, ask yourself the following questions: 

  • Am I able to talk freely and openly about sex with my partner?  
  • Am I able to express myself sexually with my partner? 
  • Am I able to talk about fantasy, foreplay, and the things I like and dislike when it comes to sex? 
  • Do I feel sexy when I am in bed with my partner – does he/she make me feel wanted? 

If you answered no to any of those questions, the next question is, why? 

If you don’t feel like you’re able to talk openly about sex with your partner, what do you think is stopping you? Are you uncomfortable with it in general, or do you get the feeling that your partner gets a little squirmy when it comes to talking openly? 

If you aren’t able to express yourself sexually, where do you think that comes from? 

If you don’t feel like you can openly discuss foreplay and fantasy, who puts the brakes on the conversation? 

These questions are totally loaded, and feelings of inhibition can come from a couple of different places, but the first place to look is within you. 

We gain so much of who we are sexually from our families of origin, and I’m sure thinking about your family when thinking about sex is that last thing you want to do, but it can hold a lot of answers. 

Messages about sexuality are imprinted and engrained upon us throughout our development, and those messages can sometimes get in the way of healthy sexual relationships in adulthood. 

Was sex dirty and something that should never be spoken of in your home while you were growing up? If so, then it would make sense that you feel uncomfortable when talking to your partner about it. But the key to hot sex is communication. 

When you’re able to understand where the messages you tell yourself about sex come from, you gain the power to change those messages. 

Conversely, if you feel fully comfortable when discussing all-things sex, but are shut down by your partner, then it may be important for them to understand the meaning behind this. 

Sex is about feeling wanted and desired. Which is why sending a racy text message and getting caught up in the fantasy of making love to your partner can be just as titillating as hours of actual love making - because of the desire it creates.  

If your relationship could use a little boost in the sex department, and you feel like having those conversations is super difficult, I’d love to chat with you and see if couples counseling might be a solution. Give me a call, or shoot me an email: (909)226-6124 or Alicia.taverner@gmail.com