Which Project Are You Taking On in Your Relationship?

When a relationship feels unsatisfying, many couples fall into one of three “projects” without even realizing it. These patterns are common, but they can also keep you feeling stuck and disconnected.

If you’re wondering how to break free, you’re not alone. Many couples in Rancho Cucamonga come to me for couples counseling or affair recovery intensives after finding themselves in these same cycles.

The question is: Which project are you taking on?

Project 1: Trying to Change Your Partner

If you’re longing to feel important, chosen, or like you truly matter, you may focus on getting your partner to behave differently. This often looks like:

• Criticizing them for not meeting your needs

• Using sarcasm or contempt when you feel ignored

• Shutting down with the silent treatment

The problem is—even if your partner changes temporarily, the deeper longing doesn’t go away.

Project 2: Trying to Change Yourself

Another common response is turning the energy inward. You may convince yourself that if you just worked harder or showed up “better,” things would improve.

This often looks like:

• Constantly anticipating your partner’s needs

• Shape-shifting or abandoning your own desires

• Over-functioning to keep the relationship afloat

The danger is that you lose yourself in the process, leaving you feeling unseen and unfulfilled.

Project 3: Giving Up and Numbing Out

When nothing seems to work, it’s easy to retreat into disconnection. Numbing out might look like:

• Scrolling endlessly on your phone 📱

• Over-exercising or binge drinking

• Using drugs or even looking outside the relationship for attention

While it may provide temporary relief, shutting down creates more distance between you and your partner.

Why These Projects Don’t Work

The truth is, you may bounce between all three of these strategies—and none of them bring lasting healing. That’s because what you’re seeking from your partner is often a mirror of a deeper wound within yourself.

If you grew up feeling unseen, unimportant, or unloved, no amount of attention from your partner will permanently fill that void. Until those core wounds are acknowledged and healed, the cycle continues.

How Couples Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga Can Help

When I work with couples, I don’t just teach quick-fix communication tips. Instead, I help uncover the root wounds that drive these patterns and guide couples through the process of healing.

This is where transformation begins.

Once you stop trying to change your partner—or yourself—in unhealthy ways, you can show up in your relationship grounded, open, and ready to connect. This is the foundation of real intimacy and lasting connection.

If you’d like to learn more about how intensives differ from weekly sessions, I’ve written a comprehensive guide: Everything You Need to Know About Couples Intensives in California.

Affair Recovery Intensives: A Deeper Path to Healing

For couples facing the aftermath of infidelity, weekly counseling may not feel like enough. That’s why many couples choose a focused 3-day affair recovery intensive in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. These intensives provide the space to:

• Process the betrayal in a structured, supportive way

• Uncover the deeper wounds beneath the affair

• Begin rebuilding safety and trust

If you’re curious about what that process looks like, you can read more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

A Gentle Invitation 💙
If you recognize yourself in one (or more) of these “projects,” know this: you don’t have to stay stuck. Healing is possible, and with the right support, you and your partner can find your way back to one another.

Whether you’re seeking couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA or are considering a couples intensive, I’d be honored to support you.

✨ Click here to schedule a consultation and begin the process of creating the relationship you’ve been longing for.

Frequently Asked Questions about Couples Counseling & Intensives

Do we have to be local to Rancho Cucamonga to attend an intensive?
Not at all. Many couples travel from other parts of California—and even out of state—for affair recovery intensives here. My office is conveniently located near Ontario International Airport, and I provide recommendations for nearby hotels.

How do I know if we need weekly couples counseling or an intensive?
Weekly couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga is often best for couples who are stuck in recurring patterns but feel some sense of stability in their relationship. An intensive is ideal for couples in crisis—such as recovering from an affair—or for those who want to accelerate their healing in a focused, immersive way. Intensives are also ideal for working professionals who might find it difficult to find reoccurring time each week to book consistent sessions but still want to make a huge impact on their relationship.

What can we expect from a 3-day affair recovery intensive?
These intensives provide a safe, structured environment to process the affair, understand the deeper attachment wounds, and begin repairing trust. You can learn more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

Two Powerful Ways to Reconnect When You’re Feeling Stuck in Your Relationship

Are you and your partner stuck in the same fight on repeat?
You’re not alone—and you’re not beyond help. Many couples come to us for couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga after months (or even years) of feeling unheard, misunderstood, or disconnected. The good news? Small shifts can lead to big breakthroughs.

Here are two powerful tools to start using right now:

1. Lead with the Need, Not the Criticism

When you're frustrated, it's easy to say things like:
“You never help around the house,” or “You’re always on your phone.”

But here’s a reframe that changes the conversation:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I really need your support.”
“I miss spending time together without distractions.”

Criticism builds walls. Vulnerability builds bridges.

2. The Power of the Pause

In the middle of a heated moment, try pressing pause. Literally.

Take 30 seconds to step away, breathe, and ask yourself:
“What do I want this moment to feel like?”

This simple reset can interrupt the autopilot reactions that cause so much damage in relationships.

If you’re ready for deeper support, we offer evidence-based, compassionate marriage counseling in Rancho Cucamonga to help couples rebuild trust, communication, and connection. Whether you’ve been together for five years or 25, it’s never too late to find your way back to each other.

Interested in making a change?
Reach out today to learn more about our private intensives and weekly therapy in Rancho Cucamonga—and take the first step toward a stronger relationship. Click here to book a FREE 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll answer all your questions and make sure we’re a good fit.

Should you go to bed angry?

Let's bust a big fat myth today…

I’m sure you’ve heard that the best way to have a great marriage is to never go to bed angry. 

It’s concerning to me that couples will literally stay up all night going around and around with the same argument because they are trying to stick to this rule. 

I dunno about you but that sounds like a one-way ticket to complete exhaustion and a week of trying to make up for lost sleep. 

This rule is damaging because it doesn’t take into account the amount of damage that can be done by continuing to fight when you’re dysregulated. It doesn’t take into account the quality of communication that you’re having. You could be yelling, throwing things, name calling, and giving the silent treatment.

When couples start working with us not only do they learn how to regulate their emotions, but they understand their body’s warning signals that tell them when they are starting to become dysregulated. 

They learn how to call time-outs and how to respect one another’s requests to stop.  They learn how to return to the conversation when they are feeling more in control of their emotions. 

Our couples learn how to have conflict and still feel connected and loving. 

They don’t turn into enemies and they actually come to agreements about the things they are fighting about. 

There’s no more pushing things under the rug, walking on eggshells, or silent treatment. 

If you want to stop having marathon fights and learn how to improve your communication…

Click HERE and book your free 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you started with a couples expert and help you stop the marathon fights that go nowhere. 

Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing

After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over. 

The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard. 

As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed. 

With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired. 

As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting. 

I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another. 

You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place. 

Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.  

I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start. 

But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment. 

Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address. 

Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard. 

My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs. 

When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.

Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing! 

What is that for you? 

What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner? 

Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling? 

Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?

Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you! 

Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm! 

Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure! 

Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!  

Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!