When Marriage Feels Hopeless

When that rage burns through your body like a dragon breathing fire because you feel like your partner is just never going to get it, do you feel like just burning it all down? 

Do you want to throw in the towel and wave your white flag? 

Do you feel like locking the front door and just walking away completely? 

I feel your pain. 

I know it feels like things will never get better. 

I know these cycles can make you become paralyzed and withdrawn and it makes it hard to focus on your work and your kids. 

That feeling is terrible - feeling so stuck and not knowing what to do next, the guilt and the shame. 

You can go back and fight it out again, or you can retreat and try to soothe yourself with the usual - social media, shopping, drinks with friends, or maybe a trip to the gym…

They make you forget about the rage, the sadness, and utter disappointment of being in the same place you’ve been in for way too long. 

But they are only temporary. 

That’s not how you truly want to live. You don’t want to be numb and disconnected, and you’re probably really missing out on your kids' lives and giving them too much screen time because you just don’t have the energy to be engaged like you want to be. 

I’m not judging you. I know you’re doing the best you can do right now. But we both know you’re capable of so much more.  

I want to remind you of a couple things:

I want to remind you that you’re still in your relationship for a reason, probably multiple reasons. 

Maybe it’s your kids, or the life you’ve built together, and there’s probably still a lot of love there. Those things are so important to you or you’d be googling attorneys in your area rather than scrolling tiktok. 

I also want to remind you of a different time in your life. 

You can probably remember a time when you felt so happy and connected to your partner. A time when you were in love and had so much hope and excitement for the future. 

I know that you think about leaving and it might be hard to even remember a time when you weren’t fighting. 

But not being able to remember doesn’t mean that those happy times did not exist. It just means that you’re exhausted from being on the merry-go-round of fighting. 

Does this sound like a familiar cycle to you: Do you blow-up, push away, give the silent treatment, and then start speaking again when you have to (because of some shared commitment), and then extend an olive branch somehow and return to homeostasis, until the next time?  

I know these cycles so well! I know them because I see them day after day. When couples step into our offices for the first time we always ask them to describe the dance they do when they get into fights and while every couple is unique the cycles sound pretty similar. 

I know that this cycle is so frustrating because not only is it exhausting, it’s also not productive. You’re not actually solving any of the issues that are causing the blow-ups, and you know that you’re going to have the same argument again in a couple weeks. 

If you’re ready to get off the merry-go-round and start communicating in a way that makes you feel heard, respected, connected, and loved, we want to help. Click the link below to book your free, 15-minute phone consultation. We’ll get you set up with one of our expert couples therapists and help you stop feeling like you’re ready ro burn it all down! 

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?

I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.

The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things. 

One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together. 

Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “no we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.” 

I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?” 

It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection. 

So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why: 

If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.  

If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue. 

If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said. 

In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked. 

When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this: 

In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way. 

This is mostly behavioral change. 

After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns. 

This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy. 

The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving. 

The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins. 

This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior. 

At this point in time a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship. 

Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship. 

I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy. 

If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes. 

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better. 

Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship. 

When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it! 

When work causes Anxiety

Do you ever get a pit in your stomach when you think about going to work? Or meeting with your boss or a potential client? 

Your palms might get sweaty, your throat might feel dry, you might feel nauseous or get that sinking or butterfly feeling in your stomach.

Over the last couple of months these are some of the anxiety symptoms I’ve helped clients clear with Brainspotting. Most of these difficult symptoms cleared after just one session.

One. Session.

Think about that…   

Have you ever had trouble sleeping the night before a big meeting? 

They don’t call it the “Sunday Scaries” for nothing - it’s a pretty widely accepted thing to feel anxious on Sunday about the work week ahead.

But what happens when you absolutely can’t go to work because your anxiety and panic is just too high?

It might seem extreme, but I’ve known plenty of people to take leaves of absences, or stress leaves from work.

When I worked in county mental health, stress leaves were just part of the culture. 

But I’m here to tell you, that is not normal!

You don’t have to accept that! You should feel confidant, calm, collected, level headed, and ready to tackle whatever your boss has to say, or whatever the project has in store for you. 

We’ve all got to make money, my friend.

{I’m still waiting for that distant, filthy, rich aunt, or uncle to leave me millions in their will too}

But making money shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental health.

You also don’t have to be in an intense, high stress type of job to experience work-related anxiety. 

Many times the stress and angst people experience is actually rooted in feelings of not being good enough, not producing enough, or just not being enough. Most of those underlying beliefs come from family of origin or childhood.

When we help clients find a brainspot and do some deep, focused processing, those old beliefs move from the hind-brain (where they produce mostly involuntary bodily responses) to the prefrontal cortex, and no longer produce physical, fight or flight symptoms.

I'm talking heading to the office singing to the music all the way there, sitting in a meeting with your thoughts cool, calm and collected, being asked questions and responding without a quiver in your voice, or a second guess, feeling grounded and in your power. 

These are just a few of the ways my clients have described feeling after their Brainspotting sessions, and this could be you too! 

Does this sound like something you’d like? Do you want to feel more joy, presence, and confidence at work? 

 You can request a free 15-minute phone consultation and our intake coordinator will answer all of your questions about the process, and get you booked with one of our therapists to have you on your way to less Sunday Scarries, and more presence and ability to focus on whatever you’d like to be enjoying instead!

Keep your criticism to Yourself!

Criticism may start out as a way to rib or joke with your partner, but it can start to happen more often than not and without you even realizing that’s what you’re doing. 

I see it a lot in relationships that are on the rocks. Criticism is one of the 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse, according to the Gottman Institute, and is one of the greatest predictors of divorce. 

The couples that I work with sometimes have no idea the impact that it can have on their marriage in the long run which is why I want to bring it to your attention today. 

Criticism usually begins with the word “you,” and often also includes words like, “always” and “never.”

“You never do the dishes when you say you’re going to! You’re so lazy!” ::Heavy sigh::

Criticism attacks your partner’s character and leaves little room for a productive response or conversation. If you think about it though, it makes total sense - do you ever respond to someone telling you what a shitty job you’re doing at something with an open heart, or a, “wow! Thanks for pointing that out for me, I’m totally going to start doing the dishes now…” 

Absolutely not! 

Criticism actually does the opposite. It’s like a match, and can ignite a conflict into a huge blow up. This is because our natural inclination is to respond to criticism with defensiveness. It doesn’t elicit warm fuzzies, it makes us want to shut down, fight, or point out all the ways your partner is falling short (defensiveness). The bottom line is - it’s uncomfortable. 

Have you ever heard the saying, “you catch more bees with honey?” This is precisely the approach you should be taking with your partner instead. 

Talking from a place of how you feel about a behavior is so much more effective and will put your partner in a much less defensive place. 

Criticism should be replaced with using I-statements and making specific requests. 

Example: I feel hurt and lonely when I’m the only one doing the housework. Can you help me by picking up the kids' toys and doing the dishes when I’m working late? 

The need to criticize is often the sign of an unmet need. If you stop and take a moment before you lash out at your partner ask yourself, “what is my need here?” If your need is for support then ask specifically for that support. 

Using an I-statement to express how not having your need met makes you feel, makes your feeling hearable. We can hear our partner say when they're hurt, sad, or lonely. Those feelings get lost in translation though when they are hidden behind criticism.  

If you feel criticism running rampant in your relationship we are here to help! Click here to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation, or join us for our upcoming 6-week, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work class beginning in March, 2023. Click here for details and answers to frequently asked questions about this upcoming workshop.