What to do when your partner wants out

Your partner has just said the D word, and maybe it’s something that’s been thrown out here and there when tensions get really high, but this time it’s different. Maybe you’ve received official documents of separation or the ante has been upped, and suitcases are being packed. Whatever the case, it doesn’t feel good, and you don’t know what to do, but you know you want it all to stop!

Those feelings of anger, confusion, hurt, and sadness are normal responses, but what do you do when you don’t want to give up? When you want to keep at it, and try something that you haven’t?

The short answer is something that I recently added to my practice, because this is something that I’ve seen often, and before now haven’t necessarily had the right tools in my toolbox for.

Many times couples come in for couple’s therapy and one partner has already got one foot out the door. They’re trying therapy as a last resort, and just to appease their partner and themselves, so in the end they can say they tried everything. Typically couples come in 7 years too late – or at least that’s the statistic I’ve heard thrown around here and there.

In a perfect world everyone would do some premarital counseling, and continue to utilize counseling throughout their relationships when they encounter rough patches. They’d treat their marriages like their cars, and get regular tune-ups. But really, that’s just not the case for many, and I think that statistic exists because the approach to therapy has been wrong.

When one person is out the door it’s difficult to do couple’s therapy. They’ve made up their minds, and their interest level in therapy might no longer be about making improvements. At this point the leaning out partner might just be trying to get their partner to see all the ways they’ve wronged them, and hope that therapy will get them to change. Without each individual seeing their contributions and coming from a place where they are both invested in working together to get back on track, there can be little change.

So the trick is to get them both to that point before jumping into couple’s therapy, and I’ve started doing that with my clients in the form of Discernment Counseling.

Discernment counseling is short term, usually 1-5 sessions, and it’s for what we call, “mixed-agenda couples.” Where one spouse is saying, “I’m done, I want a divorce,” and the other is saying, “No, I want to keep trying.”

In those 1-5 sessions I work with couples to help them understand their contributions, how they arrived at this point where divorce is on the table, and what it will take to choose to enter into couple’s therapy. The goal of Discernment Counseling is to help couples decide between three paths:

Path #1 is to stay the course, and keep doing things the way they’ve been doing them.

Path #2 is the decision to separate or divorce.

Path #3 is a commitment to do 6-months of intense work on the relationship through couple’s therapy. This path isn’t about choosing to stay together forever, but it’s a commitment to take divorce off the table and see what can be accomplished in the next 6 months and then re-evaluate the relationship.

In the meantime, if you are the leaning-in partner, and wanting to make things work, my best advice is to neither pursue nor distance yourself from your partner. Talk to them about the possibility of Discernment Counseling, and take time to think about your contributions to getting to this place in your relationship. It's easy to point the finger at the person who's saying they want out, but it takes two to tango and you need to understand what you need to change in order to move forward. 

Discernment Counseling is something that can be so beneficial because too often couples jump right into couple’s therapy and the timing is off, and both partners are on totally different wave-lengths when it comes to understanding what they really want out of their relationship and need to first decide if they both want to commit to be in the relationship.

While couples come into the office together, they mostly talk with me alone and we meet all together to report out take-aways from the individual time. Couples are coming out of these Discernment sessions with the clarity they need to make the best decisions about the future of their relationship, and I’m happy to be trained in this technique through the Doherty Institute. You can find out more information about the Doherty Institute here.

If you and your partner are at a crossroads in your relationship, and want to find more clarity about what to do next, feel free to give me a call at (909) 226-6124 and I’d be happy to discuss whether Discernment Counseling is right for you and your partner.

Additionally, I want to let you know that if you are in the process of healing after the loss of a relationship, I’m going to be launching an e-course to help those healing from heartbreak called, The Starting over Series. If you’re interested in more info about this course, click the link below and get on the interest list! 

When you just don't feel like it

You know those days when you just don't feel like being inspired by all the wonderful quotes in your newsfeed? The ones that make you just want to hide under the covers with some chocolate and a good Netflix marathon?

Ya, I know those days too, and I recently became a contributor to the Divorcedmom.com website, and that's exactly what I shared about in my first post. I'd love for you to check it out here. Being uninspired while you work through your anger can actually be beneficial, I hope you enjoy the post, and don't forget to leave a comment! 

More than I'm sorry: Helping your partner heal after infidelity

Infidelity can rock your relationship to the core. It brings out so many things and what’s amazing is that some of those things have the ability to make it stronger. After infidelity, many couples who decide to stay together find themselves talking more, sharing their needs more, and making their feelings and emotions known like never before. 

As I’ve talked about before, when there has been infidelity and it’s been decided by the couple that they want to start the healing process, each partner needs to play a role in this. It isn't just the partner who has strayed's responsibility to repair the relationship but he or she does play a major role. 

One of my favorite clinicians in the field of psychology and couples therapy is Esther Perel, and she talks about a very important concept in overcoming infidelity, and it is that if you have been unfaithful to your partner but would like to do the work to keep the relationship together, you must hold vigil for your relationship. What does this mean? 

Holding vigil means that it is now your responsibility to not only acknowledge the hurt and pain that's been caused by your actions, but also acknowledge triggers for your partner before they happen. Through the healing process and especially if you've been working with a therapist to help get through this difficult time in your relationship, you'll come to understand places and things that trigger your partner to recall your affair. 

Triggers are powerful and have the ability to bring an injured partner to their knees, causing them to revert back to square one, and cause all the pain of discovering the affair to come rushing back to them. Triggers can be so many things that just remind an injured partner of the event and of the pain they've felt since. 

Holding vigil means that you take the time to bring those triggers up in anticipation of them happening, when it is appropriate. For example, if you know that your partner will be triggered by a certain event like being in a specific place because you had an encounter with the other person there, rather than just preparing yourself for the repercussions of their emotions you need to take action. 

If you know that your partner is triggered by you going out of town for work because an affair occurred when you were traveling, as a work trip approaches it is then your responsibility to bring up the trip and acknowledge that you understand how this trip will make your partner feel. Be the one to broach the subject, be the one to reflect the hurt feelings, and be the one to say that you are there to hear about those feelings, and be the one to implement important changes during this trip to create a sense of security for your partner. Will you check in more frequently by phone, Skype, or text? Will you be sharing a room with a work colleague? Will you avoid the bar and drinks after dinner? What will you do instead? 

Taking the time and energy to acknowledge your partner’s triggers and emotions, and creating a plan for security will help immensely in the healing process. This isn’t about beating yourself up, or being an emotional punching bag, but it is about taking an extra step to show your partner that you understand their feelings, and that you are there with them working through these difficulties with them.

I’ve had clients who have been injured by an affair tell me how elated they are when their partners do this. They describe it as a feeling of being understood, of being appreciated, and they say it is a relief because they were not the ones who had to bring it up.

They often feel relieved at not having to always ruin a perfectly nice evening with their partner by dredging up their emotions about an upcoming event that may trigger them. They feel understood when their partners acknowledge that a song or a movie makes them feel a flood of negative emotions even before they get that look on their faces. That acknowledgement is powerful and leads to connection and healing.

If you are having trouble holding vigil in your relationship after an affair, consulting a therapist can be an excellent path towards healing. I’d love to hear from you and point you in the right direction, and you may reach me at (909) 226-6124 for a free consultation. 

In case you missed it

What am I doing in your inbox on a Friday? Well, I don't have a new blog post to share with you, but I do have some great articles and content that I've been busy contributing to and wanted to make sure you didn't miss out, and so I thought I'd put together this round-up with all the goodness in one place: 

Do you ever struggle with the thought of quitting and wonder what the right way to quit something might be? Check out this article, What is the 'Right" way to Quit and learn how to quit a relationship, a job, or anything else that might be begging you to throw in the towel. 

Getting married too young can lead to divorce, and getting married when you're too old or set in your ways can also cause problems, so what's the right age? Check out this article, and gain some insight about the best time in life to tie the knot. 

There are so so many questions people have about starting therapy, and sometimes images from movies where the main character goes to see a therapist is the only thing they have to draw on. In this article, the writer does an excellent job of sharing what he wishes he had known, and what the experts want people to know about therapy and how it works, What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About How Therapy Actually Works. 

Having trouble de-stressing or falling asleep? Check out this video and learn the 4-7-8 Breathing technique that will have you drifting off the the land of nod in no time. 

As always, don't forget to tune in to KCAA radio if you're in Southern California's Inland Empire. This Monday morning 3/21, I'll be discussing ways to find healing after heartbreak. You can listen at 6:35am on 106.5 FM, 1050 AM, or at KCAAradio.com. 

Wishing you a fabulous weekend, talk with you next week! 

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Once a cheater, always a cheater. At least that’s how the saying goes, right? In my line of work I’m often the one doing the questioning, but I also get lots of questions from clients and professionals and one that comes up a great deal is, is this saying true?

My short answer is no, but then of course I have a lengthier version, which I will share with you today, and that is - it really depends. It depends on the reasoning behind the infidelity that will determine if the person will cheat again.

If someone is cheating because they are addicted to the excitement of being caught, or they are addicted to the spark of new romance, they may continually seek out affairs to find that spark, and to put themselves in a place of secrecy. While I’ve said that most people cheat in order to feel alive, and to rekindle life within themselves that they’ve lost in their relationship, I think this is different than what I previously described.

Although most people cheat to feel excitement, being addicted to that excitement is very different than seeking outside of your relationship to find something you’ve lost that you likely once had.

When people take the time to understand themselves and put in the work necessary to understand what lead them to stray outside of their relationship, it’s not likely that they will do it again. But the key is really that they’ve done the work. They’ve shown up, they’ve looked at themselves, they’ve looked at their relationship, and they’ve found understanding and insight into their motives for straying. And that of course is as intensive as it sounds. It takes work.

While the infidelity may have caused their relationship to end, someone who cheats still has to take themselves with them into their next relationship, and unless they’ve taken a good hard look at themselves, they are likely to continue in a similar fashion.

There’s often a misconception that if the relationship ends after infidelity, that’s the end of it. The person just wasn’t happy, they looked outside of their relationship to have something fulfilled, and it ultimately ended up killing their relationship, and they must then move on.

Many times infidelity can be the best thing that happens to a relationship. While I’d never wish it on anyone, nor is it something I suggest you do, it gets couples talking in a way they haven’t in many years, if ever. It serves as a wake-up call, and marks the start of a new, different relationship with the same partner. It definitely takes couples a long time to get to the point of seeing this, but it happens, and the new relationship that couples create following infidelity is one that is often more fulfilling, more intimate, and connected.

You can never “cheat-proof” any relationship, but it’s much less likely to happen again if both partners are truly invested in finding understanding for themselves and one another, and have a commitment to do things differently as they move forward. Once a cheater, not always a cheater is what I say, but that’s because I’ve been across the couch, asking the tough questions, and helping my clients find understanding.

If you could use some help sorting things out after infidelity, and could use a nonjudgmental third party, I’d love to help. Feel free to contact me at (909) 226-6124, and we can talk about ways therapy can help you understand yourself and your relationship. If your partner has recently been unfaithful, and you're struggling to figure out what to do next, click here to download my free guide on communicating after infidelity.