Questions to ask a Marriage Counselor in Rancho Cucamonga

Finding a marriage counselor in any city is hard! Living in Rancho Cucamonga you are thankfully in a nicely populated area that gives you a few choices when it comes to marriage counseling. So let’s say you’ve done the legwork - searched google, yelp, and maybe asked around to a couple of friends and you’ve gotten a list of marriage counselors that seem nice enough. They will likely offer a free phone consultation, but what should you say and ask when you get on the phone? 

Questions to ask a marriage counselor in Rancho Cucamonga

I know how hard it is to find a great therapist! You might be wondering how I know that - if you think your therapist doesn't have a therapist, then you’re mistaken! Most great therapists have their own therapist. It’s really important that we continue to do our own work and have a place to process so we can best show up for our own clients. But it took me months to find a therapist so I know how dang hard it can be! 

It can also be hard to come to the realization that you need to hire someone to help you with your marriage, but a great marriage counselor is worth their weight in gold! It makes a huge difference in the results you will get when you hire the right marriage counselor, so let's talk about the right questions you need to ask: 

What is your specialization?  

If you are looking for help with your marriage, the first thing you’ll want to make sure is that the therapists you are consulting with are actually trained marriage counselors. If you were having a problem with your foot, you’d see a podiatrist, and if you needed a cavity filled you’d see a dentist. This is the same principle here - you are going to want to find the right professional for the job. Marriage troubles require a specially trained marriage counselor - not a therapist who tolerates working with couples from time to time. 

What type of marriage counseling do you do?

There are a couple different modalities of marriage counseling and you will want to ask about the marriage counselor’s way of working so that you have an idea of what to expect. Some of the most common and effective modalities are Gottman Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). 

Do you take insurance? 

Insurance is the least important factor for me when I think about finding the right person for the job.​ That’s because marriage is one of the most important relationships in your life, and if you are on the brink of losing it, or if it just isn't as fulfilling as you’d like, that causes so much pain and heartache and finding a highly trained specialist is going to help work through that pain much quicker than a marriage counselor who is just trying to figure things out week by week. 

I do also understand that it can be costly and if you aren’t able to pay out of pocket and must use your insurance to cover sessions, make sure you ask the marriage counselor what insurance panels they are on and what the copay is. You also will want to call your insurance company and make sure that marriage counseling is covered - sometimes they only cover individual or family counseling, depending on your plan, but you will want to know upfront so there are no financial surprises. 

What is the process like for new couples?

Some marriage counselors have an intake session the first session, some have more. Some marriage counselors like us at Rancho Counseling have a very structured, 4-step process for all new couples that includes couples and individual sessions as well as an extensive background questionnaire to get a full picture of what’s happening with each couple we work with right at the beginning so we can help them reach their goals in a timely manner. 

These are the most important questions that I think of when my friends are looking for marriage counselors in Rancho Cucamonga and I am offering my advice. I hope this helps you find the right marriage counselor!

If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call us at (909) 600-0306  for a free 15 minute phone consultation. We would be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right person. If you are looking for help with marriage counseling, you can read more about how Rancho Counseling can help here.

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Can Couples Therapy Make Things Worse?

I’ve heard a lot of strange reasons that couples don’t start the process of couples therapy. Seeing couples day in and day out often makes me forget about some of the myths that exist.

The couples I see are usually so ready to dig in and improve their relationships that sometimes I forget that people actually do believe some interesting things. 

One of the questions that I always ask couples is whether or not they have been in therapy before. I like to know what worked and what didn't work with their previous therapy so that I can make sure they get what they are looking for during our time together. 

Most recently, I asked a couple if they had been in therapy before and one partner piped up and said, “no we haven’t because she always told me that therapy would just make things worse and cause us to fight more.” 

I giggled a little. But then I asked, “what does fighting more mean to you?” 

It turns out this couple held the belief that having any conflict in marriage was a sign of an unhealthy marriage. This is not the first time I’ve heard this you can check out my other blog post on the topic here. Many people don’t understand that conflict gives us opportunities for learning, repair, understanding, growth, and creating a deeper connection. 

So when people ask, “can couples therapy make things worse?” The answer is: it’s possible. But read on to understand why: 

If you’re a couple who rarely argues and has a lot of passive-aggressive tendencies and patterns; then good couples therapy will help bring those issues out in a more direct manner, and it might feel like things are getting worse because there will be more overt conflict.  

If you’re a couple where one or both partners harbors a lot of resentment and rarely speaks openly to make requests; then good couples counseling will help bring things to the surface more directly and it very well could feel like things are getting worse because you may be so used to not having direct and open dialogue. 

If you’re a couple who had issues from one or both partner’s infidelity, and in order to continue the relationship agreed to just “move on” or “forgive and forget” what happened and rarely, if ever, talk about residual feelings stemming from those betrayals; then good couples therapy might bring those feelings to the surface and the relationship could seem worse because there will be a lot of things coming out that haven't been said. 

In all three of the above scenarios exist unhealthy patterns that typically lead to relationship dissatisfaction. So even without couples therapy there’s a high chance that those patterns could lead to divorce if left unchecked. 

When couples start therapy with us we like to paint a picture of what couples can expect and I typically have a conversation that goes something like this: 

In the beginning of couples therapy, the trajectory of relationship satisfaction tends to go up. The fact that you’re both committed to attending provides a sense of hope, and in the beginning most people find it easy to take direction. They dot their I’s and cross their T’s - they do the homework assigned by the therapist and they spend time focusing on important topics in session and learn to talk about things in a different way. 

This is mostly behavioral change. 

After a couple of months the couple will get into a fight. It is usually a fight about something they’ve been fighting about for a long time in the relationship, and at that point they will revert back to their old patterns. 

This fight can feel even worse than before they started therapy. 

The reason it feels worse is: people feel like because they are in therapy, they shouldn’t be doing things the old way, and they should “know better,” since they’ve been working hard learning new ways of behaving. 

The truth is: this is actually when the real work in couples therapy begins. 

This is when couples get to start to understand what is under their behavior. 

At this point in time a good couples therapist will help them look beneath the behavior at the various patterns that each partner brings to the table and they will begin to see how those patterns show up in different areas of their lives, including this relationship. 

Once each partner is able to identify the impact of the challenging or maladaptive patterns then they can begin to understand the patterns, understand themselves, and find ways to truly create lasting change in the relationship. 

I’m not going to lie to you - this part of the process can be really difficult and it’s when a lot of couples want to quit therapy. 

If you’re going from a relationship that rarely or never has conflict, to one that has open dialogue and direct communication then it can be quite eye-opening to make so many changes. 

But that doesn’t mean that it’s not for the better. 

Couples who come out on the other end have much higher levels of connection, intimacy, trust, and commitment. They have more passion and romance, and they have much deeper levels of friendship. 

When couples get out of their comfort zones, that is when good things begin to blossom. So yes, couples therapy can make things seemingly worse. But if you stick with it and push past those difficult times, it’s totally worth it! 

When work causes Anxiety

Do you ever get a pit in your stomach when you think about going to work? Or meeting with your boss or a potential client? 

Your palms might get sweaty, your throat might feel dry, you might feel nauseous or get that sinking or butterfly feeling in your stomach.

Over the last couple of months these are some of the anxiety symptoms I’ve helped clients clear with Brainspotting. Most of these difficult symptoms cleared after just one session.

One. Session.

Think about that…   

Have you ever had trouble sleeping the night before a big meeting? 

They don’t call it the “Sunday Scaries” for nothing - it’s a pretty widely accepted thing to feel anxious on Sunday about the work week ahead.

But what happens when you absolutely can’t go to work because your anxiety and panic is just too high?

It might seem extreme, but I’ve known plenty of people to take leaves of absences, or stress leaves from work.

When I worked in county mental health, stress leaves were just part of the culture. 

But I’m here to tell you, that is not normal!

You don’t have to accept that! You should feel confidant, calm, collected, level headed, and ready to tackle whatever your boss has to say, or whatever the project has in store for you. 

We’ve all got to make money, my friend.

{I’m still waiting for that distant, filthy, rich aunt, or uncle to leave me millions in their will too}

But making money shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental health.

You also don’t have to be in an intense, high stress type of job to experience work-related anxiety. 

Many times the stress and angst people experience is actually rooted in feelings of not being good enough, not producing enough, or just not being enough. Most of those underlying beliefs come from family of origin or childhood.

When we help clients find a brainspot and do some deep, focused processing, those old beliefs move from the hind-brain (where they produce mostly involuntary bodily responses) to the prefrontal cortex, and no longer produce physical, fight or flight symptoms.

I'm talking heading to the office singing to the music all the way there, sitting in a meeting with your thoughts cool, calm and collected, being asked questions and responding without a quiver in your voice, or a second guess, feeling grounded and in your power. 

These are just a few of the ways my clients have described feeling after their Brainspotting sessions, and this could be you too! 

Does this sound like something you’d like? Do you want to feel more joy, presence, and confidence at work? 

 You can request a free 15-minute phone consultation and our intake coordinator will answer all of your questions about the process, and get you booked with one of our therapists to have you on your way to less Sunday Scarries, and more presence and ability to focus on whatever you’d like to be enjoying instead!

Will Marriage Counseling Help? A note about Timing

After weeks of putting it off, I finally did it. I went into my backyard and I pulled out the jungle of weeds that had taken over. 

The weeds had been growing for months and months, and here in California, we had an exceptionally wet winter. I watched every day as the weeds grew taller and taller. But I was waiting for the perfect time to finally go out and clear the yard. 

As I watched and waited, the taller they grew, the more overwhelming the job seemed. 

With a gathering of friends at my home looming, and a stretch of sunny days in the forecast, I finally made the time to do it. The morning was hot AF, and by the time I was done my back and leg muscles were extremely sore and tired. 

As I was working, I thought about you, and I thought about timing. And how sometimes you just aren’t ready. Sometimes you know that the job ahead is going to be longer and harder the more you put it off, but sometimes it’s really just about finding that window of time to really dive into some of things that seem really daunting. 

I think this is the case for a lot of people like you who have been struggling in their marriages. You’ve probably watched the fights getting closer, and closer together, or the distance between you and your partner growing larger and larger as you spend days and days without speaking to one another. 

You know that things can get better, but you also know that you need guidance to get you to that place. 

Therapy might seem like that daunting task - the one that you know you really need to dive into.  

I totally understand that you might be waiting for the “right“ moment to start. 

But the longer you wait, the bigger the weeds will get, and the more muscle power you’ll need. Things aren’t always going to align and fall into place. So maybe this email is the gentle nudge that you need to pick up the phone and finally make your first couples therapy appointment. 

Or if you’re already in therapy with one of our rockstar therapists at Rancho Counseling, maybe this is the nudge that you need to go a little deeper in your next session; to bring up something that seemed daunting before, something that you know you’ve been needing to address. 

Once you truly lean in and trust in the process, there can be a little clearing for you to enjoy much like the one I created in my own backyard. 

My kids now have more area to play along with my dogs. 

When I look out the window, I no longer see a cumbersome task, but the edge of my yard filled with emptiness and opportunity to plant some new beautiful flowers that will be much more enjoyable than the weeds that once covered the area.

Leaning into your process and creating a clearing in your own mind or relationship will allow you the space to create something amazing! 

What is that for you? 

What do you wish you had more room for in the space between you and your partner? 

Once you clear all the BS, what will you fill the space with? More date nights? More sex? More connective, soul connecting conversations that feel supportive and fulfilling? 

Or if you’re solo, maybe freeing yourself from the hurt of your childhood traumas will give you the space to create more meaningful friendships or even a new romantic relationship?

Hit reply and let me know, or comment below. I love hearing from you! 

Now is actually a fantastic time to start therapy! Yahsemin just opened up several evening times in her schedule and has openings Thursdays from 3-7pm! 

Yahsemin is fantastic and has been with Rancho Counseling for over a year now. She’s gotten so much experience and training and is about to take her clinical exam for licensure! 

Yahsemin has worked with some of the most difficult cases over the last year here, she’s helped couples through the infidelity recovery process and has helped so many couples improve their communication and connection over the past year - I just had to throw out there how proud I am of her!