What happens when your relationship becomes all about US? When everything revolves around the collective of the two of you? Or if you’re a parenting couple, what happens when everything becomes about the kids?
I’ll tell you that so many of my clients come to see me because they are having difficulty in their long-term relationships. The number one thing they name as the issue is, “communication.”
While that may seem like the biggest issue on the surface of the relationship as I work to dig and peel back the layers of what’s happening for many couples, it becomes apparent to both them, and me, that communication is the issue, but the reason they are unable to communicate quickly becomes the focus.
One of the reasons I find that people are unhappy is because they’ve just lost touch with themselves.
In the beginning of a relationship they say they completely knew who they were, but after years of being with the same person and many times after having kids, they start to forget.
Conversations become logistical – What time are you coming home? Can we fit in that dinner with friends next Friday? What’s your schedule like tomorrow?
While those conversations are important because - hello, we need to eat and end up in the same places to even have a relationship, it becomes apparent that the conversations that brought you together, the ones that involved depth and feeling have dwindled.
You might be saying, “we’ve gotten those all out of the way, there’s no need for them anymore,” but I beg to differ.
Especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you’ve grown and changed since you first began that relationship. You might have attained all of those goals you once dreamed of, and since created new ones.
Or maybe since you’ve obtained them you’ve just been coasting, and in that case it’s time to create new ones. But it’s easy to fall into a rut and that’s where many people feel like they’ve lost themselves.
It’s crazy to sit back and think, “damn I did everything I said I would – we have the house, the career, the kids,” whatever it was that you dared to dream together. Maintaining the career, the kids, the house then becomes very routine, and you lose touch with each other – at least that’s what I hear more times than not.
Monotony has a way of killing that spark that leads to dreaming and deep conversations.
Assess your relationship today. You might be having difficulty communicating, but what’s under that? Is there just nothing to talk about aside from the logistics? That’s a mundane and frustrating place to be.
If you’re raising your hand and feeling like you’re in that camp you’re so not alone! It happens in even the best of relationships. So of course I’m going to challenge you to start dreaming again, and start sharing those dreams with your partner.
But in order to get that part of you back you have to change things up.
What did you once love that you’ve just stopped doing? Did you play on a sports team? Did you get your creative juices flowing on canvas? Was the gym once your retreat? Think about what used to make you feel like you, and then make time to get back to it.
Time might be short, and maintaining your life might seem like it sucks all of your energy, but I guarantee that if you don’t overthink it, and just get back on that horse you’ll see how that benefits you and your ability to show up for your partner. After a while you’ll get back your ability to dream and share those dreams like you once used to.
If you feel like you’re in a rut and don’t see the way out, I’d love to chat with you and see how I can help. You can check my schedule here and we can hop on the phone for a short chat about how we might be able to work together to get you back on track. I’d love to hear from you!