Bids for Connection: How to make and reciprocate them

How well do you notice when your partner is reaching out to connect with you? 

That process of reaching out to connect is called a bid for connection. 

As human beings we are wired for connection, and in our romantic relationships we want to connect with our partner. I know you’re probably thinking, “duh, Alicia, of course!” 

Even though this concept is incredibly simple, it’s amazing how many couples miss the importance of this, and end up feeling lonely in their relationships. 

As simple as bids for connection are to make, they are just as simple to miss because they happen quickly. (Kind of like when you go to the grocery store and the automatic doors open, and you have a few seconds to get in, or the doors close.)

An example of a bid for connection could be: you and your partner are sitting on the couch, and your partner looks out the window, and says, “wow, there are a lot of birds out there.” 

This is not a relationship altering revelation, it’s just a simple observation but one that your partner sees as a way to connect. 

At that moment you can turn towards your partner by saying something like, “oh, yeah.”  Or you can turn away from your partner which would be something like continuing to scroll on your phone, or keep your gaze focused on the game you’re watching on TV. 

(You don’t even have to physically turn towards your partner, that’s just the language that we use to describe reciprocating bids for connection.)

According to John Gottman, in order to maintain a healthy relationship there needs to be a 5 to 1 ratio when it comes to reciprocating bids for connection; so for every time you turn away from your partner and don’t reciprocate a bid for connection, there needs to be five times that you do. 

Reciprocating your partner’s bids for connection is extremely important because when a person feels like their partner isn’t reciprocating their bids they tend to make meaning of this, and they begin to tell themselves things like, “I guess what I have to say isn’t interesting to my partner,” or, “I am not interesting to my partner.”

After continued missed bids for connection, the person who feels like they aren’t important or interesting stops making bids altogether, and one or both partners begin to feel lonely. 

Loneliness in a marriage is a difficult feeling, and since I work with so many couples recovering from infidelity, it makes me worry because that loneliness can be a slippery slope that allows a person to give themself permission to begin opening up to someone else. 

So, look up.

Acknowledge your partner when they are reaching out to connect to you.

Even if it’s just to point out the flock of birds outside the window. Those little connections are important even if the subject matter really isn’t. 

Why Bids for Connection Are Often Missed (Even in Loving Relationships)

One of the things I want to normalize here is that missed bids don’t usually happen because people don’t care. They happen because life is loud.

We’re tired.
We’re overstimulated.
We’re juggling work, kids, finances, notifications, stress, and mental to-do lists that never seem to end.

Most couples I work with don’t intentionally ignore each other. They’re just moving fast — and bids for connection are quiet. They don’t announce themselves. They rarely sound like, “Hey, I need emotional closeness right now.” Instead, they sound like observations, jokes, complaints, questions, or even sighs.

“Did you hear about what happened at work today?”
“Look at this reel.”
“I don’t know why I’m so tired lately.”

All of these are invitations. And when they go unanswered, the nervous system notices — even if the mind doesn’t.

What Happens Inside the Nervous System When Bids Go Unanswered

When bids for connection are consistently missed, partners don’t usually think, “Ah yes, this is about bids.”

They think:

• I feel invisible.

• I feel like I’m bothering you.

• I feel alone even though I’m not technically alone.

Over time, this creates distance that feels confusing. Couples will often say things like, “Nothing big happened — we just drifted,” or, “We stopped feeling close and we don’t know why.”

This is often the why.

Small moments of connection are how safety is built and maintained in a relationship. When those moments disappear, the relationship can start to feel emotionally unsafe, even if there’s no active conflict.

Turning Toward Doesn’t Require Enthusiasm — Just Presence

I want to be clear about something important: reciprocating bids for connection does not mean you have to be endlessly enthusiastic or deeply engaged in every moment.

Turning toward can be subtle.
It can be quiet.
It can take two seconds.

A nod.
A glance.
A simple “yeah, I see that.”

What matters is not the quality of the response — it’s the acknowledgment.

So many partners hold themselves to an unrealistic standard and think, “If I can’t fully show up, I shouldn’t respond at all.” But silence is still a response, and often not the one we intend to send.

A Gentle Practice to Try This Week

Instead of trying to “fix” your relationship or overhaul how you communicate, start small.

For the next few days, just notice:

• How often does your partner reach out in small ways?

• How often are you distracted when it happens?

• How often do you offer even a brief acknowledgment?

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness.

Because relationships aren’t built in grand moments. They’re built in the ordinary, forgettable, easy-to-miss ones — like a comment about birds outside the window.

And those moments matter more than we think.

When Small Moments Have Already Been Missed

If you’re reading this and realizing that bids for connection have been missed for a long time — or that one of you has stopped reaching out altogether — it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means there’s been too much disconnection for too long without support.

This is often when couples tell me, “We don’t fight all the time, we just don’t feel close anymore,” or “It feels like we’re roommates.” And for others, that loneliness has already created deeper ruptures that feel harder to name or repair on your own.

This is exactly the kind of work I support couples with in my 2-day relationship intensives and in 100-minute sessions held twice per month.

These longer formats allow us to slow things down, step out of daily distractions, and gently reconnect to the moments where connection was missed — without blame, without overwhelm, and without trying to fix everything at once.

If you’re not quite ready for an intensive, the 100-minute sessions offer space to rebuild awareness, responsiveness, and emotional safety over time. And if you are ready to do deeper work more quickly, an intensive can help reset the patterns that keep you feeling distant and alone.

If this post resonates, I invite you to schedule a consultation. We can talk through what’s been happening in your relationship and decide together what level of support makes the most sense for where you are right now.

You don’t have to keep missing each other in the small moments.
Support can help you find your way back.

About the author

Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is the owner of Rancho Counseling and has been helping couples and individuals heal relationship patterns since 2008. She specializes in intensive, brain-based therapy—including Brainspotting and Ketamine-Assisted Therapy—for infidelity recovery, trauma, anxiety, and relationship crossroads. Alicia helps clients move beyond talking and into real change.
Ready to create a relationship you actually want to come home to? Book a consultation.