Which Project Are You Taking On in Your Relationship?

When a relationship feels unsatisfying, many couples fall into one of three “projects” without even realizing it. These patterns are common, but they can also keep you feeling stuck and disconnected.

If you’re wondering how to break free, you’re not alone. Many couples in Rancho Cucamonga come to me for couples counseling or affair recovery intensives after finding themselves in these same cycles.

The question is: Which project are you taking on?

Project 1: Trying to Change Your Partner

If you’re longing to feel important, chosen, or like you truly matter, you may focus on getting your partner to behave differently. This often looks like:

• Criticizing them for not meeting your needs

• Using sarcasm or contempt when you feel ignored

• Shutting down with the silent treatment

The problem is—even if your partner changes temporarily, the deeper longing doesn’t go away.

Project 2: Trying to Change Yourself

Another common response is turning the energy inward. You may convince yourself that if you just worked harder or showed up “better,” things would improve.

This often looks like:

• Constantly anticipating your partner’s needs

• Shape-shifting or abandoning your own desires

• Over-functioning to keep the relationship afloat

The danger is that you lose yourself in the process, leaving you feeling unseen and unfulfilled.

Project 3: Giving Up and Numbing Out

When nothing seems to work, it’s easy to retreat into disconnection. Numbing out might look like:

• Scrolling endlessly on your phone 📱

• Over-exercising or binge drinking

• Using drugs or even looking outside the relationship for attention

While it may provide temporary relief, shutting down creates more distance between you and your partner.

Why These Projects Don’t Work

The truth is, you may bounce between all three of these strategies—and none of them bring lasting healing. That’s because what you’re seeking from your partner is often a mirror of a deeper wound within yourself.

If you grew up feeling unseen, unimportant, or unloved, no amount of attention from your partner will permanently fill that void. Until those core wounds are acknowledged and healed, the cycle continues.

How Couples Counseling in Rancho Cucamonga Can Help

When I work with couples, I don’t just teach quick-fix communication tips. Instead, I help uncover the root wounds that drive these patterns and guide couples through the process of healing.

This is where transformation begins.

Once you stop trying to change your partner—or yourself—in unhealthy ways, you can show up in your relationship grounded, open, and ready to connect. This is the foundation of real intimacy and lasting connection.

If you’d like to learn more about how intensives differ from weekly sessions, I’ve written a comprehensive guide: Everything You Need to Know About Couples Intensives in California.

Affair Recovery Intensives: A Deeper Path to Healing

For couples facing the aftermath of infidelity, weekly counseling may not feel like enough. That’s why many couples choose a focused 3-day affair recovery intensive in Rancho Cucamonga, CA. These intensives provide the space to:

• Process the betrayal in a structured, supportive way

• Uncover the deeper wounds beneath the affair

• Begin rebuilding safety and trust

If you’re curious about what that process looks like, you can read more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

A Gentle Invitation 💙
If you recognize yourself in one (or more) of these “projects,” know this: you don’t have to stay stuck. Healing is possible, and with the right support, you and your partner can find your way back to one another.

Whether you’re seeking couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga, CA or are considering a couples intensive, I’d be honored to support you.

✨ Click here to schedule a consultation and begin the process of creating the relationship you’ve been longing for.

Frequently Asked Questions about Couples Counseling & Intensives

Do we have to be local to Rancho Cucamonga to attend an intensive?
Not at all. Many couples travel from other parts of California—and even out of state—for affair recovery intensives here. My office is conveniently located near Ontario International Airport, and I provide recommendations for nearby hotels.

How do I know if we need weekly couples counseling or an intensive?
Weekly couples counseling in Rancho Cucamonga is often best for couples who are stuck in recurring patterns but feel some sense of stability in their relationship. An intensive is ideal for couples in crisis—such as recovering from an affair—or for those who want to accelerate their healing in a focused, immersive way. Intensives are also ideal for working professionals who might find it difficult to find reoccurring time each week to book consistent sessions but still want to make a huge impact on their relationship.

What can we expect from a 3-day affair recovery intensive?
These intensives provide a safe, structured environment to process the affair, understand the deeper attachment wounds, and begin repairing trust. You can learn more here: What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive.

What to Expect During a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive

If you’re thinking about a 3-day affair recovery intensive in California, you might be wondering: What on earth are we going to talk about for three full days?? I completely understand the hesitation—this is a big investment of time, energy, and money. Your relationship is on the line, and it may feel like one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. That’s why I’m breaking down what actually happens in a 3-day affair recovery intensive, so you know what to expect and can move forward with confidence.

A typical format for my affair recovery intensives in California includes 4 hours of meeting time each day for 3 days. While every intensive is different because I tailor it specifically for each couple based on their needs and goals, the basic outline is always similar.

Day 1: Creating Safety and Stability

Since the affair has come to light, you and your partner have been having some difficult and emotionally charged conversations. You’re likely stuck in patterns that aren't serving you. They are the patterns that lead to yelling, shutting down, and feeling like you’re not being heard or understood. Day 1 of the 3-day affair recovery intensive is about understanding your emotional reactions and tracking your conflict patterns so that discussions will begin to feel productive.

I begin with outlining your goals for the intensive and then I use an assessment to help us understand the thoughts that are particularly triggering to you and your partner. This tool is important because we will return to it on the last day of your intensive and you will be able to see the growth and changes that have occurred during our time together.

I also introduce the Brainspotting process, which will be used to help you feel a sense of safety within yourself and with your partner. This helps to set the stage for the open dialogue that needs to happen as we move forward in the next two days.

Day 2: Processing the Betrayal

Day 2 of your affair recovery intensive in California is about processing the betrayal from a clear and grounded place. We address many of the questions that you may have if you have been the partner who was betrayed. You have likely already asked many questions and might find yourself asking the same questions over and over again as you try to make sense of what’s happened. While this is a typical pattern for couples in your position, it is also draining. I will help you discern and understand the need behind your questions so the conversation is fruitful.

I also slow things down and continue to identify patterns that are keeping you stuck. I allow space for you and your partner to pause, and I use various interventions to help you each understand your core attachment wounds that are being triggered by the affair and by your partner. Doing these interventions will allow you to have more capacity to hear your partner and to speak from your heart so they can understand you in a deeper way.

During day 2, we also begin to understand the patterns that have existed in the relationship that led to the affair.

Day 3: Reconnection and Moving Forward

On Day 3 of the intensive, we focus on rebuilding trust. One of the reasons these 3-day affair recovery intensives in California are so effective is because simply being present as your partner uncovers their core attachment wounds helps strengthen your bond. By holding space for those intimate, vulnerable conversations, you create new opportunities to support and reconnect with each other.

We also focus on making agreements that are necessary to help you feel connected and supported going forward. I help you identify practices that will help you continue healing in a healthy way. We also revisit your assessment from day 1 so you can see the progress you have each made individually and as a couple through our work together.

The Benefits of a 3-Day Affair Recovery Intensive in California

In their final assessment, most couples have a significant shift in the way they feel. They find they are sleeping better, they have fewer ruminating thoughts and less anxiety, they feel a sense of connection with one another—despite having had some really difficult conversations—and they feel more regulated and able to continue moving forward.

How Preparation Sessions Support the 3-Day Intensive

In order to dive right into this three-day process, you will begin with an initial consultation and a couple of prep sessions. The initial consultation session is typically done online with both you and your partner—we discuss your goals, your relationship history, and briefly go over your conflict pattern.

I also meet individually with each partner prior to the intensive. This allows me to better understand your personal history, including any past trauma, as well as your unique concerns, perspectives, and needs in the relationship. These one-on-one sessions help ensure that both partners feel fully seen and supported, and they give me important insight into how to guide you as a couple through the healing process.

Begin Your Healing Journey

Walking into a 3-day affair recovery intensive in California can feel overwhelming at first—but knowing what to expect brings comfort and clarity. Over the course of those three days, you’ll move from the raw pain of betrayal toward deeper understanding, guided conversations, and the beginnings of rebuilding trust.

👉 If you’d like a deeper look at how intensives work and why they’re so effective, check out The Ultimate Guide to Affair Recovery Intensives. And if you’re ready to begin your own healing journey, click here to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward your 3-day affair recovery intensive California couples experience.

Are you suffering in silence?

How long have you spent struggling in your relationship? How many nights have you spent crying alone in the dark, while your partner sleeps next to you, wondering when or how things will ever get better? How many times have you had the same argument and gotten the same results - retreating to your corner, alone, hurt, broken, and feeling helpless? 

My guess is way too many. 

But why do we suffer alone, in silence? 

I’ve heard a lot of interesting opinions about why people choose not to share what’s going on in their marriage. Things like, “we agreed we’d never talk to our family about our marital problems because we didn’t want anyone to have a negative opinion about our partner.” 

I’ve also heard, “It’s not always bad so I’m afraid it will sound like I’m just trashing my partner.” 

Along with other things like: 

“People will judge me.”

“People would be shocked if they knew how bad things are.” 

Our Western society teaches us in so many ways that we should suffer in silence. If you’ve ever been told as a child to go to your room because you were having big emotions, then it’s really easy to internalize the belief that your emotions are too much and that you should not burden others with them. 

Most parents of the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s weren’t equipped with the skills of conscious parenting and were likely so uncomfortable with their own emotions that they couldn’t deal with ours. They weren’t privy to the research we have now that shows that stuffing and suppressing emotions actually leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.

But one thing that I’ve learned in doing this work, and in my own healing is that suffering alone can only get you so far. And it isn’t very far.

It's difficult to undo those patterns that you’ve learned in your childhood, or push past the myths of talking about problems in your marriage. It’s not easy to reach out and tell someone that you don’t have things under control. It’s humbling, and it’s hard. 

It can feel like no one will ever understand the nuances of your relationship. It's scary to open up and talk about what’s going on because you might be afraid that talking to a therapist might force you to leave or make other life-altering decisions. 

Unless you’re in physical danger, a good therapist will not tell you that you should end your relationship. That’s not our job. 

If you come to couples therapy saying that you want to fix the relationship then a good couples therapist will be focused on helping you do that. 

Talking about the pain you’re feeling in your relationship can make things feel more real, and I know how scary that can be. But once you put it all out there, it can feel so relieving, and when you see a great couples therapist, you will truly understand that you are not alone. 

One of my favorite parts of the therapy process are the first few sessions. I know that couples are uncomfortable sharing what’s really going on behind closed doors. But one of my greatest gifts is instilling hope and letting couples know that they aren’t alone.We’ve seen some really difficult issues in my practice. But my staff and I have helped so many couples weather those difficult storms and create amazing, healthy, connected relationships that surpass what people even think is possible when they first sit down on the couch.

We also have a formula for success that is backed by tons and tons of research! The Gottman Method is one of the most effective tools for helping couples improve their marriages. So you dont just come in and see how things go. 

Our staff take the time to truly understand your relationship and each of you as individuals. We start with a couples session to get a sense of the issues you’re struggling with and also conduct a relationship history - we ask about the significant events that have happened in the relationship. 

After that, we do an individual session with each partner to get a sense of your personal histories and backgrounds. These play an important role in the way you communicate with one another. 

We also send out the Relationship Checkup - an extensive background questionnaire that will measure various aspects of your relationship and communication patterns.

All of these components give us a really good picture of where your strengths are as a couple as well as the areas that can use improvement. 

Once we collect all of the important background information we sit down with each couple and show them all of the components the research tells us are required for a happy, healthy relationship. We show each couple where their strengths are, along with their weaknesses and areas that we will be focusing on going forward. 

Every couple that works with us knows exactly what their sessions will be focused on because they get a print-out of all of their strengths and weaknesses. There’s no guess-work. Our therapists get to work and help couples reach their goals. They focus on the issues and help couples create amazing, joyful, intimate, connected marriages. 

You don’t have to suffer alone. Once you put voice to what's happening the spinning in your head will stop. You can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

If any of this sounds like you, I want to help. Imagine what it will feel like moving into Fall feeling like you REALLY want to cozy up to your partner.  Imagine starting 2024 with a clear vision for the future of your relationship AND a supportive therapist behind you as you take those scary steps forward. 

Picture how connected you'll be this time next year after pushing past your fears - of failure, of not knowing where to start, of anyone knowing what’s really going on in your marriage - and seeing all of the progress you've made together. 

You'll be so proud of your relationship and you would have spent the last year learning, healing, connecting, and creating an unstoppable, deep, intimate bond and gained communication tools that you will have for the rest of your lives together. 

The things we teach couples take time and practice to implement, but once our couples understand what is under their behaviors, they begin to experience lasting change. They create more intimacy and their love continues to grow even after they graduate from therapy.  

Holding onto hope for your Marriage: How therapy can help

When couples finally reach out and call us for the first time, most of them are hopeless.  

They feel like they’ve tried everything, and they are exhausted from having the same fights over and over. 

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to reach out to a therapist in your area that can also be a confusing task. Many therapists don’t specialize in work with couples or they don’t take your insurance. Couples therapy tends to be a specialized service not covered by some health insurance plans, however working with a couples therapist who truly loves this work and dedicates their career to helping couples makes a HUGE difference in the results you’re going to receive.  

Many times when people call me I hear things like, “this is our last resort, we keep trying but nothing is working and we want to be able to say we’ve tried everything, so if therapy doesn’t work, then I guess it’s time to throw in the towel.” 

It can sometimes seem like giving up and asking for a divorce is the easier thing to do. The task of doing therapy and showing up weekly can feel really daunting when you don’t know what to expect or where to even begin. 

The unknown is scary - I totally get it! But when couples call us for a free 15-minute phone consultation I walk them through our process and answer any questions they might have. 

The greatest gift we give our couples at Rancho Counseling is that our therapists are the holders of hope. 

⭐️ Many times it’s our job to keep being that North Star of truth that says, “you can do this! Just keep going, you’re making progress!”

For me that’s the best part of being a therapist - Holding hope for people when they’ve lost it. 

If you’re losing hope, I want this to be a reminder that you can do this! You can make the changes you need to have the relationship you’ve always dreamed of! 

It’s not always easy, and it does take self reflection and work. But it’s totally possible when you meet the right people who are experts in helping couples create amazing connections with one another! 

Don’t lose hope my friends! We’re here and we are so happy to help 💕 We have a couple different options for working with us including couples therapy and also our upcoming 7 Principles Workshop so check out our offerings!

When Good People Cheat: The Unmet Needs Affair

“I never meant for this to happen,” is what I typically hear when I sit down with someone who has been unfaithful to their partner.

I genuinely believe them when they tell me this because doing this work, I’ve heard from plenty of partners who have strayed in some fashion, and this is a common thread. They are good people, and they’ve made a mistake, and it’s not my job to judge, but to help them understand what lead to their behaviors so that they can prevent it from happening again.

There are many types of affairs. The most common one that I see is what Mira Kirchenbaum calls, the “unmet needs” affair. In her book, When Good People have Affairs, she outlines many types of affairs and I often recommend her book to clients who have or are having an affair because it can really help them understand their behaviors better, in conjunction with the work we do in session.

The unmet needs affair happens when you feel as though there is something missing in your relationship with your partner.

It could be sex, intimacy, or intelligent conversation. But focusing on one aspect of the relationship that is missing is a trap, and many times people only come to realize what they’ve been missing after they’ve already crossed the line.

When you look outside of your relationship for that one unmet need, you are essentially negating all of the many other positive aspects that likely exist in your relationship.

A whole, healthy, relationship only includes sex or conversation as a very small piece that makes up the relationship, however the trap occurs when you begin to see this piece as a gaping hole – it has the potential to become everything, and with the help of an affair partner, you begin to negate the many other positive aspects that you once based your relationship on.

Getting involved with someone else in order to fulfill this unmet need is typically clouded by the electrifying rush that happens in new relationships. It’s quite normal for people to see their affair partner as the most amazing person they’ve ever met, however an affair relationship is only a façade – it exists in a vacuum, and lacks much of the other important aspects that secure, long-term relationships need to survive.

Using another person to fulfill that one aspect that was missing from your marriage is fundamentally flawed because without fully knowing your affair partner, you are unable to see all of their true characteristics, as this relationship will also have missing aspects to it.

If you think back to the beginning of your marriage, I’m sure there were fireworks. Things in the beginning of relationships tend to be intense and full of passion.

I once read that falling in love has the same impact as a drug on the brain. It’s easy to become addicted to that feeling, and those intense emotions cloud your judgment.

The beginning of a relationship is when you go out of your way for that other person – you stay up all night talking even if you’ve got to be at work at 7am, you write silly love poems, and drive an hour both ways just to spend an hour in the arms of your love.

If you’re stuck in the difficult spot of having already crossed the line and engaged in an affair to fulfill a need that was lacking in your marriage, you’re not alone. I know that there is a great deal of shame and pain that comes from making that decision, but there is also support for you to right your wrongs.

Although the road is long and difficult, I’ve seen some wonderful things come from those who are willing to look at themselves, their decisions, and learn from their mistakes.

Relationships can be repaired, and that shame can go away, but the first step is asking for help. If you could use some support and want to begin the process of understanding your behavior, give me a call at (909) 226-6124, and we can talk about ways therapy can help.