Recognizing Resentment and Moving Forward

Happy New Year! It’s easy to use the New Year as a mark for starting over, making resolutions, and trying to be a better version of yourself. I personally love the feeling of a fresh start and set some great intentions for this coming year, but as I was doing so it got me thinking about how sometimes there are things that we just hold on to that keep us from moving forward.

In relationships we call this resentment. As a therapist, I can tell you, working through resentments with couples sucks. It’s not because I don’t love what I do, but it’s because it’s so tricky sometimes and I see resentments as the cause for so much destruction in relationships.

If you’re struggling to get past an infidelity or big hurdle in your relationship, there is likely some resentment that’s holding you back and keeping you stuck in an uncomfortable position. But how do you know if what you’re experiencing is the result of resentment? Keep reading and I’ll give you some hints in how to identify it, and what to do in order to move forward.

Resentments can be big or small, but an obvious indication is that something has happened between you and your partner, and you replay that event a few times over in your mind. You have some negative feelings about it and you use those negative feelings to justify your actions in some way. Resentments can be tricky though because they aren’t always so obvious, and many people react unconsciously as they hold onto resentments.

Maybe your partner didn’t help you clean up after dinner or prepare for a party in the way you had hoped. You feel negatively about the interaction, and maybe choose not to say anything, but hold onto the negative feelings for a while. After thinking about it more, you come to understand that they were just tired after work, and let it go. In this example, the resentment is short-lived, and not threatening to your relationship because it didn’t have time to fester and create larger problems.

The worst type of resentment is the kind that threatens the security of your relationship. The issue between you and your partner still feels painful after time and is often attributed to a fundamental flaw in them. You can find yourself using words like always and never – “she never takes my feelings into consideration,” or “he’s always so selfish.”

Bigger resentments like these lead to constant bickering, or the opposite- disengagement (which is just as destructive). The bigger resentments represent something important at the core of your relationship or your own core beliefs like trust, communication, or life goals that aren’t being agreed upon and met.

To combat bigger resentments it’s important to talk about them. Being honest with your partner about something you’re holding onto is going to bring them to light and help you create a better understanding for bickering and other negative patterns that may have been taking place. Resentments that go way back and that you feel you can’t resolve on your own are best dealt with in couples counseling, and if you are trying the following steps to no avail, it is best to consult a professional:

1.     Talk about the resentment, and identify what you would have liked your partner’s response to have been instead.

2.     Check in with yourself and see if what you’re holding onto represents something rooted in your history. If being talked down to makes you feel like a child, and is something you’re overly sensitive about due to a parent who talked to you in a similar fashion, acknowledge that and let your partner know how it relates and makes you feel.

3.     Express how you’d like to move forward, asking for what you need, and communicating the importance of this in terms of your relationship. For example: “It’s really important for me to feel like I’m respected in our relationship and that my opinion matters. I want to feel as though we are a team.”

These requests may take some practice and feel strange at first but the more you ask for what you need in your relationship the better it will feel. If these steps just don’t seem to come out right it may be time to request a consultation to see how you can move forward with less baggage and more happiness in your relationship.

Why Resentment Is So Hard to Let Go Of

One of the reasons resentment is so difficult to move through is because it often starts as a form of self-protection. At some point, you didn’t feel seen, heard, or prioritized — and resentment stepped in as a way to make sense of that pain.

For many people, resentment says: “This mattered, and it hurt.”

The problem isn’t that resentment exists. The problem is when it becomes the primary lens through which you view your partner. When that happens, even neutral interactions can start to feel loaded, and moments that could have been repaired turn into more evidence that something is fundamentally wrong.

Over time, resentment quietly erodes emotional safety. It can create distance, defensiveness, and a sense of loneliness — even when you’re technically still together.

How Resentment Shows Up in the Body and Nervous System

Resentment isn’t just a thought process — it lives in the body. You may notice tension in your chest when your partner speaks, a quick spike of irritation over small things, or a shutdown response when conflict arises.

When resentments go unaddressed, your nervous system stays on high alert. You’re bracing for disappointment, protecting yourself from being hurt again, or staying emotionally guarded because it doesn’t feel safe to fully lean in.

This is often why talking about resentment feels so hard. It’s not just about finding the right words — it’s about calming a system that has learned to stay guarded.

Moving Forward Doesn’t Mean Minimizing What Happened

Letting go of resentment does not mean pretending something didn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean excusing behavior, bypassing accountability, or rushing forgiveness.

Moving forward means making space for the pain and choosing not to let it run the relationship indefinitely.

In healthy repair, both things are true:

• What happened mattered.

• And you deserve a relationship that isn’t defined by it forever.

This is where intentional, supported conversations — and sometimes deeper therapeutic work — become essential.

When Support Makes the Difference

If resentment has been present for a long time, especially after betrayal, broken trust, or repeated emotional injuries, it’s often too heavy to untangle alone. Couples intensives create space to slow down, understand the deeper patterns underneath resentment, and begin repairing in a way that feels grounded and real — not rushed or surface-level.

Resentment doesn’t disappear because time passes. It changes when it’s seen, understood, and worked through safely.

If you’re ready to start the year with more clarity, less emotional weight, and a path forward that actually feels possible, support is available. You don’t have to carry this into another year of your relationship.

Resentment doesn’t fade just because time passes — it fades when it’s addressed with intention and support. If you’re ready to stop living in the aftermath of what happened and start creating something different, this is your invitation.

A couples intensive is designed to help you move through the hard parts efficiently, safely, and with depth — so you can stop carrying this into another year of your relationship.
🔗 Click here to learn more about intensives or schedule a free 30-minute consultation to begin the process.

About the author

Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is the owner of Rancho Counseling and has been helping couples and individuals heal relationship patterns since 2008. She specializes in intensive, brain-based therapy—including Brainspotting and Ketamine-Assisted Therapy—for infidelity recovery, trauma, anxiety, and relationship crossroads. Alicia helps clients move beyond talking and into real change.
Ready to create a relationship you actually want to come home to? Book a consultation.