8 ways to have a great experience in Couples Counseling

So you’ve decided to work on your relationship, and get some assistance from a therapist, kudos! Or maybe you’re still on the fence, questioning whether it’s the right time, and wondering what the process is like, check out my previous post to determine if now is the time.  

While couples therapists can't necessarily gurantee the exact outcome of your relationship, here are 8 things you can do to understand the process and have a great expereince regardless of what happens between you and your partner: 

1.     Find a therapist who specializes in working with couples.

Think of it as you would with your regular health care. If you were to walk up to a clinic to see a doctor, and on the door a sign read, “Specializing in all ailments, from A-Z,” I’m not sure about you, but that wouldn’t elicit very much confidence in me that I had someone who truly specialized in what I was looking for.

There are many generalist therapists, and many of them are wonderful, however if I’m looking for help with my eyesight I’m going to go see an optometrist because that’s their specialization. The best way to find out a therapist’s specialization is to ask them over the phone before setting your appointment. If you’ve already set an appointment you can use the first session to ask any questions you might have about their specialization, and the way they work with couples.

2.     Ask about the process.

Walking in to a first session can feel overwhelming, and you might not know what to expect. Most therapists use the first session as a opportunity to get to know you, and some will do what’s call an intake, where they ask many background questions that may not seem specific to your presenting issue, but are still important.

Others may include an intake questionnaire in their initial paperwork and have you complete it prior to coming to your first session. Either way, asking about what to expect for your first session over the phone or by email before walking in the door will help to alleviate some of the anxiety that can come up when you start couples counseling.

3.     Use the first few sessions to learn more about the therapist’s process and gauge for good chemistry.

One of the most important parts of therapy is the relationship you will have with your therapist and it is often one of the best predictors of successful treatment. If you’re not totally comfortable, be sure to let the therapist know what it is that’s causing you discomfort. This will give the therapist an opportunity to address your feelings, and change course if necessary. 

4.     Take notes.

A lot can be discussed in a single session and because you can get caught up in the emotions that you’re bringing in to session, it’s important to write down any recommendations your therapist may be making including homework that they may request you do throughout the week.

5.     Follow through with any homework that’s being given.

This may seem pretty obvious, but many clients forget and show up to their next session without working on things at home. Life can get in the way but if your relationship is important, then the things that your therapists is asking you and your partner to work on throughout the week will only help you reach your goals quicker. Some things may feel uncomfortable and are in fact designed to get you out of your comfort zone and to try things you may not have in the past. Trust in the process and do your best to complete tasks assigned in therapy.

6.     Know that sometimes things can get worse before they get better.

You will likely be touching on things in session that are uncomfortable. They may be things you and your partner may have been avoiding due to the difficult emotions those topics bring up. It’s normal to find yourself feeling a little down in the beginning of therapy, so be sure to take notice of what you’re feeling between sessions in order to discuss them with your couples therapist and ask for recommendations about dealing with those emotions between sessions.

7.     Continue to provide your therapist with feedback.

While many couples therapists make it avhabit to periodically check in with their clients about their level of satisfaction, some may not, but remember that you are the consumer and have the right to bring up any concerns or questions about the course of your treatment. If there’s something they haven’t addressed that you’d like to discuss let them know. A good couples therapist will be happy to accommodate or address any issues you may have.

8.     Check in with your partner regularly regarding your progress in therapy.

It’s easy to get caught up in doing the work and engaging in the process of couples therapy, but in couples therapy there are two customers. Be sure to check in with your partner about how they feel things are going throughout the process. You may feel like you and the therapist are really hitting it off, but if your partner isn’t feeling the same, it should be addressed with the therapist. Again, the relationship between the therapist and clients tend to determine the outcome of therapy.

It’s also important to remember that while therapists are professionals and have many years of training that have helped prepare them for working with you and your partner, they are also human. Most therapists I know are life-long learners who are happy to make any adjustments needed to be sure you feel like you are getting the best services possible, but they don’t know what isn’t shared with them. Having an open relationship with your couples therapist is a beautiful thing, so don’t hesitate to ask questions and provide feedback!

If you’re looking for a couples therapist in the Rancho Cucamonga area, I’m happy to help. Feel free to reach out by phone or email and we can talk about ways couples counseling might benefit you. 

Is date-night really that important for married couples?

Having a regular date-night is probably one of the most basic prescriptions given out by couple’s therapists, and it’s also one of the most commonly ignored. I think that’s because it’s so basic in nature that it leaves couples wondering how important it really is.

When it was just my husband and I, we didn’t really need a date night. Every night was date night. It was just the two of us, and not much really got in the way of us spending our evenings together. We’d have dinner together at home or out at one of our favorite restaurants, and even if we didn’t go out we’d do something fun together.

In the early days when we were on a tight budget and living in a tiny apartment, we’d play board games, play video games, and watch tons of shows on Netflix. Now that we have kids, I look back at those times and I honestly can’t believe how many shows we used to keep up with. These days I’m lucky to have one show!

When we had kids things changed dramatically! It was no longer just the two of us, and we started to get disconnected. Being a couple’s therapist, I was hypersensitive to this disconnection, and recognized that I had to practice what I preached so we started doing date-nights two times a month.

Our relationship had evolved, like so many couples that I work with. Adding children and businesses to our lives added so much richness, but it also added craziness, lack of sleep, and shifts in our priorities.

That disconnection that started to happen very subtly is something that I see so many couples experience. But they aren’t as sensitive to it, and it often goes unnoticed for long periods of time. The continual focus on things other than that primary relationship causes distance between couples. They stop connecting, laughing, and sharing their inner worlds with one another.

I recently read an article on Facebook about why date-nights are a waste of time, the author was a mom, and she listed all of the excuses that I hear most people give when trying to plan a date-night – the cost, the need for a babysitter, having to get out of your yoga pants, etc. and while I can attest to having those hang-ups myself, I have to call B.S. on those excuses! 

When you stop dating your partner you leave the door open to lack of connection.

Date-night doesn’t have to be expensive. It doesn’t even have to take place at night. It can be Sunday morning walk on a weekly basis, or a lunch together during the workweek – I’m actually an even bigger fan of those times because then no one falls asleep during a movie or on the way home.

The point of a regular date with your partner is the connection.

It’s talking and getting back to who you were before life got too busy. Even when couples don’t have kids, they often mistake time together as quality time. Just because you occupy the same space day in and day out doesn’t mean that you’re connecting. You could be in the living room, and your partner could spend the evening in the bedroom on their laptop, and do that for weeks on end. You’re experiencing two totally disconnected realities even in the same space.

Date-night is really that important.

It represents friendship. We often grant our friends an incredible amount of grace when it comes to disagreements and misunderstandings, and that’s exactly how we should treat our partners. But you have to have that relationship established in order to do so.

Here are my top tips for scheduling date-night successfully:

1.     Choose a reoccurring day and time that works for both of you.

2.     Get a shared calendar, and mark that day and time weekly or every other week.

3.     Guard this date the same way you would if you had an important doctor’s appointment – it’s funny how we can leave work early, fight traffic, and do whatever else we need to do for such appointments – this is how you approach date-night as well.

4.     Shoot for twice a month, or once a week if you can swing it.

5.     If you don’t have a babysitter talk with other couple friends who may also be lacking a date-night, and offer to swap kids every other week.

6.     Have fun planning. Switch off planning every other date, and surprise one another with an evening out, or even at home.

7.     Be creative, and remember, it’s not about the cost; it’s about the connection!

8.     Use websites like Groupon, Living Social, or Goldstar for cost-saving ideas.

And that’s that. Get your date on, start connecting, and remember that friendship should come first. If you get stuck and just can’t seem to get into the groove of dating your partner, feel free to reach out to me (909) 226-6124. I’m happy to help. 

5 Signs You Need Couples Therapy in 2017

The New Year is a time to reflect on the year that’s passed, and the start of planning goals for the upcoming year. I personally love the thought of a clean slate, new goals, and sense of, “out with the old, in with the new.”

But I also know that it’s really only a façade. Things that have been occurring all year don’t just stop because the ball drops, and we scream, “Happy New Year!”

But it’s a marker of time, and that’s what I love about it. It marks a time to create change. I take a look at my business, my personal, and professional relationships, and I think about what I’d like to do more of, and what hasn’t been serving me, and I use the New Year to mark the start of changes that need to be made in order for me to live the fullest, healthiest life I can.

Whether you love to make resolutions, or to just reflect, I want to urge you to take an inventory of your closest relationships. Those are the ones that impact you the most.

Have you been waiting a while to approach your partner about couples counseling? Has it been something on your radar for a while, but you haven’t wanted to rock the boat and dive in?

Initiating that conversation can be scary, and it’s totally normal to feel apprehensive about it, but using this New Year as a marker, it may be the best time to have that convo, and here are some signs that couples therapy should be on your to-do list in 2017:

1. Communication has dwindled.

In long-term, committed relationships it's easy to fall into routine, and get into ruts. If you're a parenting couple, it's also easy for kiddos to become the center of your world, and your relationship, but when communication dwindles, and you're more like 2 ships passing in the night, and communication becomes only about the logistics, it may be time to look at your relationship and get some help to open up those lines of communication.

2. Sex has decreased significantly.

Just like with communication, life can get routine, and sleep often gets moved to the top of the list of priorities along with work and parenting. There is no magic number for the amount of sex you should be having per week, but when you start to notice that it's becoming much less frequent than it was previously, this is a sign that things need to be spiced up.

Conversations about sex can be difficult to have, and that's where therapy comes in. Working with a couple’s therapist inevitably leads to convos about sex, as it's a huge part of intimate relationships. A couple’s therapist can get you talking and sharing more intimately than you may be able to on your own, and having a space dedicated to focus on your relationship for one hour each week is not something that happens naturally in most relationships.

Many couples tell me that they try to have conversations about sex, but it always leads to an argument, and both partners feeling like they aren’t being heard, and like neither is getting their needs met. A lack of sex can be also be a sign that something else is missing in the relationship, and therapy can help uncover what’s keeping you stuck.

3. Fights are becoming more frequent or escalating more than before.

Just like with the other two items I shared – this can also be a symptom of something bubbling beneath the surface. Frequent fights about minor issues are usually a sign of resentment, or someone feeling as though their needs aren’t being met.

In my practice one of the first things I do with couples is to learn about their relationship – how they met, how it’s evolved, and what they think has led them to frequent fights.

Next, I have them complete a Relationship Check-up, which is an in-depth assessment about various aspects of their relationship. This tool is amazing! I love that it breaks everything down for the couple and for me so that we can take a look at areas that are working, as well as those that are leading to dissatisfaction for one or both partners.

From there, we dive in and talk about those areas that need some extra attention, and I work with the couple to provide interventions to help them get past those road blocks as they are typically what’s causing the frequent arguing.

4. Trust has been compromised.

This might seem like an obvious one, but a lot of couples tend to wait it out and hope things repair themselves on their own, and this often leads to more issues in the long-run.

If you feel like your trust has been violated in the relationship, reaching out and getting in to see a therapist early can be the best thing you can do to repair the trust, and other aspects of your relationship that you didn’t see as relating to this one issue.

Couples counseling can also help to prevent further violations of trust from happing in the future and open up necessary lines of communication and intimacy between you and your partner.

5. You feel lonely.

We can’t get all of our needs met from one single relationship, but when you begin to feel lonely and like there’s a lack of connection between you and your partner, this is a major red flag.

Work, kids, and other commitments can get in the way of having the deep connection you’d like to have, but the sooner you address the issue, the less likely things are to continue on a downward spiral.

According to Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned couples therapist and researcher, couples wait an average of 6 years until they get help. That’s a long time to be unhappy, and it’s a long time to keep up bad habits and build up resentments. The longer a couple waits, the more difficult it is to make repairs in the relationship, so my advice is to start out strong this New Year. I’m happy to help, you can reach me at (909) 226-6124. 

The Perfect Gift for your Partner this Season

Tis the season for giving.

You can spend endless hours shopping for the perfect gift for your partner. Scouring the Internet for that gift that will knock their socks off, but the greatest gift you can give is the one of true giving.

We all like to say that giving is better than receiving, but sometimes this very principal is one that often gets taken for granted in long-term relationships.

Give the gift of true giving this season.

What is true giving?

It is giving without the expectation of anything in return. It’s giving for the pure aim of making the other person happy, and fulfilling their desires.

This seems to be easier for couples to do in the early stages of their relationship. Dating is passionate and emotions can be so overwhelming that it’s difficult not to truly give. Love letters, mixed tapes (or iTunes playlists for the current generation), late-night text messages – it’s easy to profess your love in the beginning without the expectation of much in return.

In the early stages, you just want to make your partner smile and let them know that you love them. It doesn’t matter if that means you wake up at 5am to make them breakfast and pack them a lunch for the day (I totally used to do that for my husband when we first got married).

As time passes you begin to settle into routine, and many people have children and their resources become limited. Time, energy, and sleep are depleted, especially when you’re raising babies and young children. The thought of staying up to finish a movie after 10pm starts to feel insane, so getting in bed and making love on a work night can feel equally draining.

So what does this have to do with giving? And what the heck are you supposed to give your spouse this holiday season?

It has everything to do with giving. True giving.

True giving means that you give even though it may cost you resources. Not necessarily monetary resources, but other resources that may be spread thin during this time in your life – time, energy, sleep, etc.

The perfect gift is the one that your partner truly wants to receive.

You might think you know what they want, but it may also just be what you want to give – it may be coming from your perception of what love is.

This brings me to one of the principals that I generally share and teach the couples I work with in my practice – The 5 Love Languages. If you’ve never heard of this concept, be sure to click here to take the quiz online, and find out what yours and your partner’s love language is, it will truly change your relationship if you apply it.

In case you’ve never heard of the 5 Love Languages, I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version: We all have specific ways that we show love, and ways that we perceive that we are being loved.

Gary Chapman breaks this concept down into 5 different languages, which are: gift giving, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation.

Which one best describes what’s most important for you to receive? Which one truly makes you feel loved? Is it receiving a small thoughtful gift? Spending an evening at home, talking and having quality time with your partner? Or is it hearing how much they love you, and having them express gratitude regularly for what you do around the house? Do you feel most loved when your partner sends you out the door with a lunch in hand, or folds your laundry?

And which one best describes your partner?

The complication that many couples get into is that they don’t always have the same love language. So, if yours is quality time, and your partner’s is physical touch, you may be continually trying to talk at him or her, when they just want to be cuddled.

I often use the analogy that your partner tells you, “I’m thirsty,” and so you go to the kitchen and bring them a glass of orange juice.

To your dismay, your partner doesn’t want orange juice, and they respond with, “I just want water please.”

But you’re so taken aback, and think, “who doesn’t want OJ?? It’s so tasty, and tangy, and has some essential nutrients in it.” You continue to try to get your partner to see your point of view, but alas, they just want water, and you feel like they’re completely missing out on your favorite drink.

Here you have two choices – you can either keep trying to get them to love OJ as their go-to thirst quencher, or you can just give in, and give them the water they so desperately want.

This seems like a no-brainer, right? I mean just bring a glass of water instead of the OJ and your partner will be happy.

So why, when we are talking about love languages, is it so difficult to speak you partner’s love language? I think it’s because we sometimes forget about the true gift of giving.

If all your partner really needs in the relationship is to feel your physical touch, why keep trying to talk? When you begin to feel disconnected, reach out, speak their language, and get physical.

Your love language may be quality time, and so having in-depth conversation may totally be your jam, but when you start to give without the expectation of receiving, and stop waiting for your partner to fulfill your needs before you take that step, you’ll see a change in him or her.

When you speak your partner’s language, they’ll be more likely to speak yours in return, and your relationship will improve.

Give your partner the gift they really need this season. The gift of love - in a way they can truly interpret.

If you’re stuck on this whole love language concept, please reach out to me! I love working with couples and helping them have the relationships they truly desire, you can reach me at (909) 226-6124, or learn more at www.ranchocounseling.com.  

When Good People Cheat: The Unmet Needs Affair

“I never meant for this to happen,” is what I typically hear when I sit down with someone who has been unfaithful to their partner.

I genuinely believe them when they tell me this because doing this work, I’ve heard from plenty of partners who have strayed in some fashion, and this is a common thread. They are good people, and they’ve made a mistake, and it’s not my job to judge, but to help them understand what lead to their behaviors so that they can prevent it from happening again.

There are many types of affairs. The most common one that I see is what Mira Kirchenbaum calls, the “unmet needs” affair. In her book, When Good People have Affairs, she outlines many types of affairs and I often recommend her book to clients who have or are having an affair because it can really help them understand their behaviors better, in conjunction with the work we do in session.

The unmet needs affair happens when you feel as though there is something missing in your relationship with your partner.

It could be sex, intimacy, or intelligent conversation. But focusing on one aspect of the relationship that is missing is a trap, and many times people only come to realize what they’ve been missing after they’ve already crossed the line.

When you look outside of your relationship for that one unmet need, you are essentially negating all of the many other positive aspects that likely exist in your relationship.

A whole, healthy, relationship only includes sex or conversation as a very small piece that makes up the relationship, however the trap occurs when you begin to see this piece as a gaping hole – it has the potential to become everything, and with the help of an affair partner, you begin to negate the many other positive aspects that you once based your relationship on.

Getting involved with someone else in order to fulfill this unmet need is typically clouded by the electrifying rush that happens in new relationships. It’s quite normal for people to see their affair partner as the most amazing person they’ve ever met, however an affair relationship is only a façade – it exists in a vacuum, and lacks much of the other important aspects that secure, long-term relationships need to survive.

Using another person to fulfill that one aspect that was missing from your marriage is fundamentally flawed because without fully knowing your affair partner, you are unable to see all of their true characteristics, as this relationship will also have missing aspects to it.

If you think back to the beginning of your marriage, I’m sure there were fireworks. Things in the beginning of relationships tend to be intense and full of passion.

I once read that falling in love has the same impact as a drug on the brain. It’s easy to become addicted to that feeling, and those intense emotions cloud your judgment.

The beginning of a relationship is when you go out of your way for that other person – you stay up all night talking even if you’ve got to be at work at 7am, you write silly love poems, and drive an hour both ways just to spend an hour in the arms of your love.

If you’re stuck in the difficult spot of having already crossed the line and engaged in an affair to fulfill a need that was lacking in your marriage, you’re not alone. I know that there is a great deal of shame and pain that comes from making that decision, but there is also support for you to right your wrongs.

Although the road is long and difficult, I’ve seen some wonderful things come from those who are willing to look at themselves, their decisions, and learn from their mistakes.

Affair Recovery: What an "Unmet Needs" Affair Does and Doesn't Mean About Your Marriage

Affair recovery is rarely as simple as people imagine. If you're on either side of an affair that developed around unmet emotional needs, it's easy to make quick, painful conclusions about what happened and what it means about your marriage.

"If I had just been more affectionate, this wouldn't have happened."

"If they really loved me, they never would have done this."

"This must mean our whole relationship was a lie."

These thoughts make sense. When betrayal enters a relationship, our minds immediately begin searching for certainty. We want a clear explanation for something that feels impossible to understand.

But unmet needs affairs usually don't begin with one catastrophic decision. More often, they develop slowly through countless small moments of disconnection, avoidance, loneliness, and conversations that never quite happen. They often reveal more about how two people learned to cope with pain and distance than they do about whether love ever existed between them.

None of this excuses the betrayal. The hurt is real. The shock, the nausea, the racing thoughts, the sleepless nights, and the feeling that your entire world has shifted beneath your feet are all real experiences. Understanding how an affair developed is not the same as minimizing it. Rather, it's the first step in meaningful affair recovery because it helps us understand what needs to change if healing is going to happen.

Many of the couples I work with discover that beneath the affair were years of conversations that felt too frightening to have, patterns of shutting down or becoming defensive during conflict, and differences in emotional or physical needs that neither partner knew how to express. When we slow the process down enough to understand these patterns, we begin to see the affair in context—not to remove responsibility from the partner who crossed the boundary, but to create a roadmap for rebuilding trust if both people choose to move forward.

Affair Recovery Begins by Understanding Why Affairs Feel So Intense

One of the reasons affair recovery feels so overwhelming is because affairs often create an emotional intensity that stands in stark contrast to everyday married life.

The secrecy, novelty, and feeling of being deeply seen in one particular way can feel intoxicating. The brain becomes flooded with chemicals that convince us we've finally found what has been missing. Meanwhile, long-term relationships are filled with mortgage payments, parenting responsibilities, work stress, household chores, and unresolved arguments that have quietly accumulated over time.

Side by side, the affair can begin to look like technicolor next to a black-and-white movie.

One of the greatest challenges in affair recovery is separating this neurochemical intensity from reality. The betrayed partner often concludes that the marriage must never have been real. The partner who had the affair may convince themselves they've finally found the relationship they were always meant to have. In reality, neither conclusion is usually the whole story.

Slowing the process down allows both partners to understand what happened without minimizing the betrayal or avoiding accountability. Healing begins when we stop asking only, "How could this happen?" and begin asking, "What made our relationship vulnerable, and what has to change if we choose to rebuild?"

Is Affair Recovery Possible After an Unmet Needs Affair?

This is the question I hear more than any other.

"Can our relationship actually survive this?"

There isn't one answer that fits every couple.

Some relationships do end after an affair. Others become more honest, emotionally connected, and intentional than they have ever been.

From my experience helping couples through affair recovery, healing becomes possible when the affair has truly ended, the partner who had the affair is willing to take full responsibility without defensiveness, the betrayed partner has space to experience their grief, anger, and questions, and both people become willing to honestly examine the relationship patterns that existed long before the betrayal occurred.

Successful affair recovery isn't about pretending nothing happened or forcing forgiveness before trust has been rebuilt. It is about creating enough safety for the truth to be spoken, understanding how the relationship arrived at this point, and building entirely new ways of communicating, connecting, and responding to one another.

This work is incredibly difficult to do alone. Most couples are trying to navigate overwhelming emotions while also fearing that every conversation could make things worse. That is often where therapy—and particularly therapy intensives—becomes invaluable.

When Weekly Therapy Feels Too Slow for Affair Recovery

For some couples, traditional weekly therapy provides exactly the support they need. But the more affair recovery work I do, the more I recognize how difficult it can be to create meaningful momentum within a 50-minute session.

Often, just as we begin reaching the heart of the issue, it's time to stop.

You leave emotionally raw, carrying difficult conversations back home with no therapist present to help you navigate the next six days. The same arguments continue. The same questions replay. Both partners remain flooded, desperately wanting relief but unsure how to create it together.

It can feel like trying to put out a house fire with a spray bottle.

Affair recovery often progresses much more quickly in couples therapy intensives because there is enough uninterrupted time to move beyond crisis management and begin real healing. Instead of stopping just as vulnerability begins to emerge, we have the time to stay with difficult conversations long enough for understanding, regulation, and repair to occur.

During an intensive, we are able to carefully slow down overwhelming emotions, explore the full story of the affair in a guided and contained way, identify the unmet needs and relationship patterns that made the marriage vulnerable, begin rebuilding emotional safety, and create a concrete roadmap for what healing will look like moving forward.

Rather than taking one small step each week, couples have the opportunity to immerse themselves in one to three days of focused affair recovery work that often creates breakthroughs impossible to reach in shorter sessions.

What Affair Recovery Therapy Looks Like in a Couples Intensive

Every intensive is tailored to the unique story of the couple sitting in front of me, but each one is built around creating enough emotional safety to tell the truth while remaining connected.

We spend time understanding the history of your relationship, exploring both partners' experiences of the affair, addressing the questions that feel too frightening to ask at home, and working directly with the nervous system so conversations can happen without becoming overwhelming. We also begin rebuilding transparency, clarifying boundaries, and discussing what rebuilding trust will actually require moving forward.

Throughout the process, we move at a pace that honors both the profound injury experienced by the betrayed partner and the accountability required from the partner who had the affair.

The goal is never to rush forgiveness or push you toward staying together. The goal is clarity, honesty, and creating a path forward that aligns with your values.

Every affair recovery intensive is designed to help couples understand the betrayal, rebuild emotional safety, and create a realistic roadmap for healing—whether that ultimately means rebuilding the relationship or separating with clarity and respect.

Affair Recovery for Couples Traveling From Out of State

Because affair recovery requires focused, uninterrupted work, many of the couples I see choose to travel from across California and throughout the United States for an intensive.

Stepping away from home often allows couples to temporarily leave behind the daily responsibilities that make it difficult to focus on healing. Without work obligations, household demands, or parenting routines competing for attention, they are able to fully immerse themselves in repairing their relationship.

If you're traveling, we'll spend time preparing for the logistics of your trip, discussing where to stay, planning emotionally for the intensive, and talking through what you might want to share with children, family members, or friends while you're away.

Many couples tell me that simply creating dedicated space for their relationship becomes healing in itself.

What Happens After an Affair Recovery Intensive?

An affair recovery intensive can become a powerful turning point, but it is not the end of the healing journey.

The intensive creates the foundation. Together we develop shared language, deepen understanding, begin repairing trust, and establish new patterns of communication. From there, we discuss what ongoing support will best help you continue integrating the work.

For some couples, that means additional intensive sessions. Others transition into ongoing couples therapy, individual therapy, or continue working alongside a trusted therapist closer to home if they traveled for the intensive.

Healing doesn't happen because of one conversation. It happens because the conversations you begin during the intensive continue changing the way you relate to one another long after you leave my office.

You Don't Have to Navigate Affair Recovery Alone

If you're reading this because you've had an affair, or because you've just discovered your partner has, I want you to know that you are not the only couple who has walked this path.

Your confusion makes sense.

Your grief makes sense.

Your anger makes sense.

Whether you're looking for ongoing affair recovery therapy, weekly couples counseling, or a focused intensive designed specifically for infidelity recovery, you don't have to figure this out on your own.

If you're searching for an experienced affair recovery therapist, I'd be honored to help you explore what healing could look like for your relationship. During a brief consultation, we'll talk about where you are today, what you're hoping to accomplish, and whether weekly therapy or an affair recovery intensive is the best next step for you.

If something inside you is wondering whether your relationship could become different than it is today, that's a meaningful place to begin.

Call (909) 600-0306 to schedule a consultation. There's no pressure and no obligation—just a conversation about what support might look like for you and your relationship.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Affair Recovery

How long does affair recovery take?

Every relationship heals at its own pace, so there isn't a universal timeline for affair recovery. For some couples, the initial crisis begins to settle within a few months. For others, rebuilding trust may take a year or longer. The length of the healing process depends on many factors, including whether the affair has completely ended, the willingness of the partner who had the affair to be transparent and accountable, and both partners' commitment to understanding the deeper relationship patterns that contributed to the betrayal. Healing isn't about getting back to the relationship you had before the affair—it's about creating a healthier one moving forward.

Can a marriage survive an affair?

Yes. While not every couple chooses to stay together, many marriages do survive infidelity. In fact, some couples describe their relationship after affair recovery as being more honest, emotionally connected, and intentional than it had ever been before. That doesn't mean the affair was necessary or beneficial. It means that when both partners are willing to do the difficult work of rebuilding trust, healing is possible.

Is affair recovery possible if the affair lasted a long time?

Absolutely. The length of the affair doesn't automatically determine whether recovery is possible. Long-term affairs often create deeper wounds and require more time to process, but healing depends far more on what happens after the affair is discovered than on how long it lasted. Genuine remorse, consistent honesty, and a willingness to understand what led to the affair are much stronger predictors of recovery than the timeline itself.

Should we start weekly couples therapy or an affair recovery intensive?

It depends on where you are in the healing process. Weekly couples therapy can be incredibly helpful for many relationships, especially when the crisis has begun to stabilize. However, immediately after discovering an affair, many couples feel overwhelmed by intense emotions, constant questions, and repeated arguments that are difficult to address in a 50-minute session. An affair recovery intensive provides uninterrupted time to slow everything down, answer difficult questions, begin rebuilding safety, and create a clear roadmap for healing. Many couples continue with weekly or ongoing therapy after the intensive to support long-term change.

Is it normal for the betrayed partner to ask the same questions over and over?

Yes. This is one of the most common experiences after infidelity. The betrayed partner's brain is trying to make sense of a traumatic event that shattered their sense of safety. Repeating questions is often part of the nervous system's attempt to understand what happened and determine whether it is safe to trust again. Rather than viewing these conversations as a sign that healing isn't happening, it's often more helpful to learn how to answer them in a way that promotes understanding instead of creating more pain.

Will we ever trust each other again?

Trust rarely returns all at once. It is rebuilt through hundreds of small moments of honesty, consistency, and follow-through over time. Rebuilding trust doesn't mean forgetting what happened or pretending the affair never occurred. It means creating enough emotional safety that both partners begin experiencing one another differently. While the process requires patience, many couples find that trust can become stronger than it was before because it is built intentionally rather than assumed.

Do you work with couples who travel for affair recovery intensives?

Yes. Many of the couples I work with travel from throughout California and across the United States for affair recovery intensives. Spending one to three focused days away from the demands of everyday life often allows couples to fully immerse themselves in the healing process. If you're traveling, I'll help you prepare for the intensive, discuss logistics, and create a plan for continuing your progress once you return home.

How do I know if we're ready for affair recovery therapy?

You don't have to know exactly what you want before reaching out. Many couples contact me while they're still uncertain whether they want to rebuild the relationship or whether healing is even possible. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stuck in the same painful conversations, or unsure what the next step should be, a consultation can help clarify your options. Together, we'll explore whether weekly therapy or an affair recovery intensive is the best fit for your relationship.

Alicia Taverner, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist who helps couples heal after infidelity, years of resentment, and the exhaustion of feeling stuck in the same painful patterns.

Her work helps partners begin to understand each other again, rebuild appreciation, and create lasting change with a focused, supportive approach. Alicia uses brain based techniques, including Brainspotting and ketamine assisted psychotherapy, in an intensive format that gives couples more room to heal without the start and stop of weekly sessions.

Learn more about Alicia’s work with affair recovery intensives, relationship therapy, and ketamine therapy, or visit her About page.