When Good People Cheat: The Unmet Needs Affair
“I never meant for this to happen,” is what I typically hear when I sit down with someone who has been unfaithful to their partner.
I genuinely believe them when they tell me this because doing this work, I’ve heard from plenty of partners who have strayed in some fashion, and this is a common thread. They are good people, and they’ve made a mistake, and it’s not my job to judge, but to help them understand what lead to their behaviors so that they can prevent it from happening again.
There are many types of affairs. The most common one that I see is what Mira Kirchenbaum calls, the “unmet needs” affair. In her book, When Good People have Affairs, she outlines many types of affairs and I often recommend her book to clients who have or are having an affair because it can really help them understand their behaviors better, in conjunction with the work we do in session.
The unmet needs affair happens when you feel as though there is something missing in your relationship with your partner.
It could be sex, intimacy, or intelligent conversation. But focusing on one aspect of the relationship that is missing is a trap, and many times people only come to realize what they’ve been missing after they’ve already crossed the line.
When you look outside of your relationship for that one unmet need, you are essentially negating all of the many other positive aspects that likely exist in your relationship.
A whole, healthy, relationship only includes sex or conversation as a very small piece that makes up the relationship, however the trap occurs when you begin to see this piece as a gaping hole – it has the potential to become everything, and with the help of an affair partner, you begin to negate the many other positive aspects that you once based your relationship on.
Getting involved with someone else in order to fulfill this unmet need is typically clouded by the electrifying rush that happens in new relationships. It’s quite normal for people to see their affair partner as the most amazing person they’ve ever met, however an affair relationship is only a façade – it exists in a vacuum, and lacks much of the other important aspects that secure, long-term relationships need to survive.
Using another person to fulfill that one aspect that was missing from your marriage is fundamentally flawed because without fully knowing your affair partner, you are unable to see all of their true characteristics, as this relationship will also have missing aspects to it.
If you think back to the beginning of your marriage, I’m sure there were fireworks. Things in the beginning of relationships tend to be intense and full of passion.
I once read that falling in love has the same impact as a drug on the brain. It’s easy to become addicted to that feeling, and those intense emotions cloud your judgment.
The beginning of a relationship is when you go out of your way for that other person – you stay up all night talking even if you’ve got to be at work at 7am, you write silly love poems, and drive an hour both ways just to spend an hour in the arms of your love.
If you’re stuck in the difficult spot of having already crossed the line and engaged in an affair to fulfill a need that was lacking in your marriage, you’re not alone. I know that there is a great deal of shame and pain that comes from making that decision, but there is also support for you to right your wrongs.
Although the road is long and difficult, I’ve seen some wonderful things come from those who are willing to look at themselves, their decisions, and learn from their mistakes.
What an “Unmet Needs” Affair Does and Doesn’t Mean About Your Marriage
If you’re on either side of an affair like this, it’s easy to make quick, painful conclusions:
“If I had just been more affectionate, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“If they really loved me, they never would have done this.”
“This must mean our whole relationship was a lie.”
Unmet needs affairs usually grow slowly, in small moments of disconnection and missed conversations. They often say more about how the two of you learned to cope with pain and distance than they do about whether love was ever real.
This doesn’t excuse the betrayal. The hurt is real. The shock, the nausea, the racing thoughts, the sleepless nights, none of that is imagined. But it also doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is irreparably broken.
Many couples I work with discover that, underneath the affair, there were:
Conversations that felt too scary to have
Old patterns of shutting down or lashing out
Long-standing differences in desire, needs, or expectations that were never fully named
When we slow down and really look at what was missing and how each partner tried (and failed) to cope, we start to understand the affair in context—not to minimize it, but to give you a map for what needs to change if you choose to rebuild.
Why Affairs Feel So Intense (and So Confusing)
Part of what makes an unmet needs affair so powerful is the intensity. The secrecy, the novelty, and the feeling of being truly seen in this one specific way can feel intoxicating. Your brain is flooded with chemicals that say, “This is it. This is the answer.” Meanwhile, everyday life with a long-term partner involves bills, laundry, kids, workstress, and old arguments you never really resolved. Side by side, the affair can look like technicolor next to a black-and-white movie.
Is It Possible to Heal After an Unmet Needs Affair?
This is the question I hear the most: “Can our relationship actually survive this?”
There isn’t one right answer for every couple. Some relationships do end after an affair. Others become more honest, connected, and intentional than they’ve ever been.
What I can say from sitting with many couples in this place is that healing is possible when:
The affair has ended and truly stays ended
The partner who had the affair is willing to take responsibility and be transparent
The betrayed partner has space for their pain, questions, and anger
Both are willing to look at the unmet needs and the patterns that led here
Rebuilding trust is not about “just moving on” or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about:
Telling the truth (in a way that’s paced and contained)
Understanding how you got here
Creating new agreements and new ways of staying connected
This work is hard to do alone as a couple. You’re in the middle of the story, flooded with emotions, and often afraid of making the wrong move.
That’s where therapy—especially intensives—can help.
When Weekly Therapy Feels Too Slow
For some couples, weekly 50-minute sessions are a good fit. But the more I work with infidelity, the more I see that the short session is just enough to get things started to only have to wait til the next session to get somewhere with making a change in the relationship. It can feel like trying to put out a house fire with a spray bottle. You leave a session in tears, raw and opened up, and then… you’re alone with each other for the next 6 days, often repeating the same fights and questions without support.
Affair recovery happens well with couples therapy intensives.
In an intensive, we have the time and space to:
Put all the pieces of the story on the table in a safer, guided way
Slow down the flood of emotions and help each of you feel heard
Begin repairing the foundation of trust and safety
Identify the unmet needs and patterns that made your relationship vulnerable
Create a concrete plan for what healing and next steps will look like
Instead of feeling like you’re taking one tiny step each week, an intensive allows you to take a deep dive over the course of one to three focused days.
What a Couples Intensive for Affair Recovery Can Look Like
While the details are tailored to each couple, a typical intensive might include:
A thorough assessment of your relationship history and the affair
Time with each of you individually, as well as together
Guided conversations about questions that feel too big or scary to tackle alone
Practical tools for calming your nervous systems and navigating triggers
Work on boundaries, transparency, and rebuilding trust
Space to talk about whether you’re both committed to staying and what that will require
We move at a pace that honors the hurt partner’s nervous system and the accountability needed from the partner who had the affair.
The goal isn’t to rush you to forgiveness or push you toward a particular outcome. The goal is clarity, honesty, and a path forward, whatever that path ends up being.
For Couples Traveling From Out of State
Because healing after infidelity is such a focused and intensive process, many couples choose to travel in from out of state to work with me.
If you don’t live nearby, you’re not alone. I regularly work with couples who:
Fly in for a 1–3 day intensive
Stay at a nearby hotel or rental so they can fully immerse in the work
Use the time away from home to step out of their usual routines and really focus on their relationship
If that’s you, we’ll talk through:
Logistics (travel days, start and end times, where to stay)
How to prepare emotionally and practically
What to share with kids, family, or friends about your time away
You don’t have to have all of this figured out before reaching out. Part of my job is to help you decide whether an intensive is a good fit and, if so, to make the process as grounded and manageable as possible.
What Happens After an Intensive?
An intensive can be a powerful turning point, but it’s not the end of the journey.
Afterward, we’ll talk about what ongoing support might look like, which could include:
Continued intensive couples sessions to keep integrating what you started in the intensive
Individual therapy for one or both partners
Working alongside a local therapist near you, if you’re from out of town
The intensive creates a foundation: shared language, understanding, and initial repair. The next phase is about living those changes out in daily life.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’re reading this because you’ve had an affair, or because you just discovered your partner has, I want you to know:
You’re not the only couple who has been here.
Your pain and confusion make sense.
You’re allowed to get help, even if you’re not sure yet whether you want to stay together.
Whether you’re looking for ongoing couples therapy or feel like you need the deeper support of a couples intensive—even if that means flying in from out of state—you don’t have to figure this out on your own.
If you’d like to explore what working together might look like, you’re welcome to reach out and schedule a brief consultation. We can talk about where you are, what you’re hoping for, and whether an intensive or weekly couples therapy would be the best next step for you.
