5 Signs You Need Couples Therapy in 2017

The New Year is a time to reflect on the year that’s passed, and the start of planning goals for the upcoming year. I personally love the thought of a clean slate, new goals, and sense of, “out with the old, in with the new.”

But I also know that it’s really only a façade. Things that have been occurring all year don’t just stop because the ball drops, and we scream, “Happy New Year!”

But it’s a marker of time, and that’s what I love about it. It marks a time to create change. I take a look at my business, my personal, and professional relationships, and I think about what I’d like to do more of, and what hasn’t been serving me, and I use the New Year to mark the start of changes that need to be made in order for me to live the fullest, healthiest life I can.

Whether you love to make resolutions, or to just reflect, I want to urge you to take an inventory of your closest relationships. Those are the ones that impact you the most.

Have you been waiting a while to approach your partner about couples counseling? Has it been something on your radar for a while, but you haven’t wanted to rock the boat and dive in?

Initiating that conversation can be scary, and it’s totally normal to feel apprehensive about it, but using this New Year as a marker, it may be the best time to have that convo, and here are some signs that couples therapy should be on your to-do list in 2017:

1. Communication has dwindled.

In long-term, committed relationships it's easy to fall into routine, and get into ruts. If you're a parenting couple, it's also easy for kiddos to become the center of your world, and your relationship, but when communication dwindles, and you're more like 2 ships passing in the night, and communication becomes only about the logistics, it may be time to look at your relationship and get some help to open up those lines of communication.

2. Sex has decreased significantly.

Just like with communication, life can get routine, and sleep often gets moved to the top of the list of priorities along with work and parenting. There is no magic number for the amount of sex you should be having per week, but when you start to notice that it's becoming much less frequent than it was previously, this is a sign that things need to be spiced up.

Conversations about sex can be difficult to have, and that's where therapy comes in. Working with a couple’s therapist inevitably leads to convos about sex, as it's a huge part of intimate relationships. A couple’s therapist can get you talking and sharing more intimately than you may be able to on your own, and having a space dedicated to focus on your relationship for one hour each week is not something that happens naturally in most relationships.

Many couples tell me that they try to have conversations about sex, but it always leads to an argument, and both partners feeling like they aren’t being heard, and like neither is getting their needs met. A lack of sex can be also be a sign that something else is missing in the relationship, and therapy can help uncover what’s keeping you stuck.

3. Fights are becoming more frequent or escalating more than before.

Just like with the other two items I shared – this can also be a symptom of something bubbling beneath the surface. Frequent fights about minor issues are usually a sign of resentment, or someone feeling as though their needs aren’t being met.

In my practice one of the first things I do with couples is to learn about their relationship – how they met, how it’s evolved, and what they think has led them to frequent fights.

Next, I have them complete a Relationship Check-up, which is an in-depth assessment about various aspects of their relationship. This tool is amazing! I love that it breaks everything down for the couple and for me so that we can take a look at areas that are working, as well as those that are leading to dissatisfaction for one or both partners.

From there, we dive in and talk about those areas that need some extra attention, and I work with the couple to provide interventions to help them get past those road blocks as they are typically what’s causing the frequent arguing.

4. Trust has been compromised.

This might seem like an obvious one, but a lot of couples tend to wait it out and hope things repair themselves on their own, and this often leads to more issues in the long-run.

If you feel like your trust has been violated in the relationship, reaching out and getting in to see a therapist early can be the best thing you can do to repair the trust, and other aspects of your relationship that you didn’t see as relating to this one issue.

Couples counseling can also help to prevent further violations of trust from happing in the future and open up necessary lines of communication and intimacy between you and your partner.

5. You feel lonely.

We can’t get all of our needs met from one single relationship, but when you begin to feel lonely and like there’s a lack of connection between you and your partner, this is a major red flag.

Work, kids, and other commitments can get in the way of having the deep connection you’d like to have, but the sooner you address the issue, the less likely things are to continue on a downward spiral.

According to Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned couples therapist and researcher, couples wait an average of 6 years until they get help. That’s a long time to be unhappy, and it’s a long time to keep up bad habits and build up resentments. The longer a couple waits, the more difficult it is to make repairs in the relationship, so my advice is to start out strong this New Year. I’m happy to help, you can reach me at (909) 226-6124. 

The Perfect Gift for your Partner this Season

Tis the season for giving.

You can spend endless hours shopping for the perfect gift for your partner. Scouring the Internet for that gift that will knock their socks off, but the greatest gift you can give is the one of true giving.

We all like to say that giving is better than receiving, but sometimes this very principal is one that often gets taken for granted in long-term relationships.

Give the gift of true giving this season.

What is true giving?

It is giving without the expectation of anything in return. It’s giving for the pure aim of making the other person happy, and fulfilling their desires.

This seems to be easier for couples to do in the early stages of their relationship. Dating is passionate and emotions can be so overwhelming that it’s difficult not to truly give. Love letters, mixed tapes (or iTunes playlists for the current generation), late-night text messages – it’s easy to profess your love in the beginning without the expectation of much in return.

In the early stages, you just want to make your partner smile and let them know that you love them. It doesn’t matter if that means you wake up at 5am to make them breakfast and pack them a lunch for the day (I totally used to do that for my husband when we first got married).

As time passes you begin to settle into routine, and many people have children and their resources become limited. Time, energy, and sleep are depleted, especially when you’re raising babies and young children. The thought of staying up to finish a movie after 10pm starts to feel insane, so getting in bed and making love on a work night can feel equally draining.

So what does this have to do with giving? And what the heck are you supposed to give your spouse this holiday season?

It has everything to do with giving. True giving.

True giving means that you give even though it may cost you resources. Not necessarily monetary resources, but other resources that may be spread thin during this time in your life – time, energy, sleep, etc.

The perfect gift is the one that your partner truly wants to receive.

You might think you know what they want, but it may also just be what you want to give – it may be coming from your perception of what love is.

This brings me to one of the principals that I generally share and teach the couples I work with in my practice – The 5 Love Languages. If you’ve never heard of this concept, be sure to click here to take the quiz online, and find out what yours and your partner’s love language is, it will truly change your relationship if you apply it.

In case you’ve never heard of the 5 Love Languages, I’ll give you the Cliff’s Notes version: We all have specific ways that we show love, and ways that we perceive that we are being loved.

Gary Chapman breaks this concept down into 5 different languages, which are: gift giving, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and words of affirmation.

Which one best describes what’s most important for you to receive? Which one truly makes you feel loved? Is it receiving a small thoughtful gift? Spending an evening at home, talking and having quality time with your partner? Or is it hearing how much they love you, and having them express gratitude regularly for what you do around the house? Do you feel most loved when your partner sends you out the door with a lunch in hand, or folds your laundry?

And which one best describes your partner?

The complication that many couples get into is that they don’t always have the same love language. So, if yours is quality time, and your partner’s is physical touch, you may be continually trying to talk at him or her, when they just want to be cuddled.

I often use the analogy that your partner tells you, “I’m thirsty,” and so you go to the kitchen and bring them a glass of orange juice.

To your dismay, your partner doesn’t want orange juice, and they respond with, “I just want water please.”

But you’re so taken aback, and think, “who doesn’t want OJ?? It’s so tasty, and tangy, and has some essential nutrients in it.” You continue to try to get your partner to see your point of view, but alas, they just want water, and you feel like they’re completely missing out on your favorite drink.

Here you have two choices – you can either keep trying to get them to love OJ as their go-to thirst quencher, or you can just give in, and give them the water they so desperately want.

This seems like a no-brainer, right? I mean just bring a glass of water instead of the OJ and your partner will be happy.

So why, when we are talking about love languages, is it so difficult to speak you partner’s love language? I think it’s because we sometimes forget about the true gift of giving.

If all your partner really needs in the relationship is to feel your physical touch, why keep trying to talk? When you begin to feel disconnected, reach out, speak their language, and get physical.

Your love language may be quality time, and so having in-depth conversation may totally be your jam, but when you start to give without the expectation of receiving, and stop waiting for your partner to fulfill your needs before you take that step, you’ll see a change in him or her.

When you speak your partner’s language, they’ll be more likely to speak yours in return, and your relationship will improve.

Give your partner the gift they really need this season. The gift of love - in a way they can truly interpret.

If you’re stuck on this whole love language concept, please reach out to me! I love working with couples and helping them have the relationships they truly desire, you can reach me at (909) 226-6124, or learn more at www.ranchocounseling.com.  

When Good People Cheat: The Unmet Needs Affair

“I never meant for this to happen,” is what I typically hear when I sit down with someone who has been unfaithful to their partner.

I genuinely believe them when they tell me this because doing this work, I’ve heard from plenty of partners who have strayed in some fashion, and this is a common thread. They are good people, and they’ve made a mistake, and it’s not my job to judge, but to help them understand what lead to their behaviors so that they can prevent it from happening again.

There are many types of affairs. The most common one that I see is what Mira Kirchenbaum calls, the “unmet needs” affair. In her book, When Good People have Affairs, she outlines many types of affairs and I often recommend her book to clients who have or are having an affair because it can really help them understand their behaviors better, in conjunction with the work we do in session.

The unmet needs affair happens when you feel as though there is something missing in your relationship with your partner.

It could be sex, intimacy, or intelligent conversation. But focusing on one aspect of the relationship that is missing is a trap, and many times people only come to realize what they’ve been missing after they’ve already crossed the line.

When you look outside of your relationship for that one unmet need, you are essentially negating all of the many other positive aspects that likely exist in your relationship.

A whole, healthy, relationship only includes sex or conversation as a very small piece that makes up the relationship, however the trap occurs when you begin to see this piece as a gaping hole – it has the potential to become everything, and with the help of an affair partner, you begin to negate the many other positive aspects that you once based your relationship on.

Getting involved with someone else in order to fulfill this unmet need is typically clouded by the electrifying rush that happens in new relationships. It’s quite normal for people to see their affair partner as the most amazing person they’ve ever met, however an affair relationship is only a façade – it exists in a vacuum, and lacks much of the other important aspects that secure, long-term relationships need to survive.

Using another person to fulfill that one aspect that was missing from your marriage is fundamentally flawed because without fully knowing your affair partner, you are unable to see all of their true characteristics, as this relationship will also have missing aspects to it.

If you think back to the beginning of your marriage, I’m sure there were fireworks. Things in the beginning of relationships tend to be intense and full of passion.

I once read that falling in love has the same impact as a drug on the brain. It’s easy to become addicted to that feeling, and those intense emotions cloud your judgment.

The beginning of a relationship is when you go out of your way for that other person – you stay up all night talking even if you’ve got to be at work at 7am, you write silly love poems, and drive an hour both ways just to spend an hour in the arms of your love.

If you’re stuck in the difficult spot of having already crossed the line and engaged in an affair to fulfill a need that was lacking in your marriage, you’re not alone. I know that there is a great deal of shame and pain that comes from making that decision, but there is also support for you to right your wrongs.

Although the road is long and difficult, I’ve seen some wonderful things come from those who are willing to look at themselves, their decisions, and learn from their mistakes.

What an “Unmet Needs” Affair Does and Doesn’t Mean About Your Marriage

If you’re on either side of an affair like this, it’s easy to make quick, painful conclusions:

• “If I had just been more affectionate, this wouldn’t have happened.”

• “If they really loved me, they never would have done this.”

• “This must mean our whole relationship was a lie.”

Unmet needs affairs usually grow slowly, in small moments of disconnection and missed conversations. They often say more about how the two of you learned to cope with pain and distance than they do about whether love was ever real.

This doesn’t excuse the betrayal. The hurt is real. The shock, the nausea, the racing thoughts, the sleepless nights, none of that is imagined. But it also doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is irreparably broken.

Many couples I work with discover that, underneath the affair, there were:

• Conversations that felt too scary to have

• Old patterns of shutting down or lashing out

• Long-standing differences in desire, needs, or expectations that were never fully named

When we slow down and really look at what was missing and how each partner tried (and failed) to cope, we start to understand the affair in context—not to minimize it, but to give you a map for what needs to change if you choose to rebuild.

Why Affairs Feel So Intense (and So Confusing)

Part of what makes an unmet needs affair so powerful is the intensity. The secrecy, the novelty, and the feeling of being truly seen in this one specific way can feel intoxicating. Your brain is flooded with chemicals that say, “This is it. This is the answer.” Meanwhile, everyday life with a long-term partner involves bills, laundry, kids, workstress, and old arguments you never really resolved. Side by side, the affair can look like technicolor next to a black-and-white movie.

Is It Possible to Heal After an Unmet Needs Affair?

This is the question I hear the most: “Can our relationship actually survive this?”

There isn’t one right answer for every couple. Some relationships do end after an affair. Others become more honest, connected, and intentional than they’ve ever been.

What I can say from sitting with many couples in this place is that healing is possible when:

• The affair has ended and truly stays ended

• The partner who had the affair is willing to take responsibility and be transparent

• The betrayed partner has space for their pain, questions, and anger

• Both are willing to look at the unmet needs and the patterns that led here

Rebuilding trust is not about “just moving on” or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about:

• Telling the truth (in a way that’s paced and contained)

• Understanding how you got here

• Creating new agreements and new ways of staying connected

This work is hard to do alone as a couple. You’re in the middle of the story, flooded with emotions, and often afraid of making the wrong move.

That’s where therapy—especially intensives—can help.

When Weekly Therapy Feels Too Slow

For some couples, weekly 50-minute sessions are a good fit. But the more I work with infidelity, the more I see that the short session is just enough to get things started to only have to wait til the next session to get somewhere with making a change in the relationship. It can feel like trying to put out a house fire with a spray bottle. You leave a session in tears, raw and opened up, and then… you’re alone with each other for the next 6 days, often repeating the same fights and questions without support.

Affair recovery happens well with couples therapy intensives.

In an intensive, we have the time and space to:

• Put all the pieces of the story on the table in a safer, guided way

• Slow down the flood of emotions and help each of you feel heard

• Begin repairing the foundation of trust and safety

• Identify the unmet needs and patterns that made your relationship vulnerable

• Create a concrete plan for what healing and next steps will look like

Instead of feeling like you’re taking one tiny step each week, an intensive allows you to take a deep dive over the course of one to three focused days.

What a Couples Intensive for Affair Recovery Can Look Like

While the details are tailored to each couple, a typical intensive might include:

• A thorough assessment of your relationship history and the affair

• Time with each of you individually, as well as together

• Guided conversations about questions that feel too big or scary to tackle alone

• Practical tools for calming your nervous systems and navigating triggers

• Work on boundaries, transparency, and rebuilding trust

• Space to talk about whether you’re both committed to staying and what that will require

We move at a pace that honors the hurt partner’s nervous system and the accountability needed from the partner who had the affair.

The goal isn’t to rush you to forgiveness or push you toward a particular outcome. The goal is clarity, honesty, and a path forward, whatever that path ends up being.

For Couples Traveling From Out of State

Because healing after infidelity is such a focused and intensive process, many couples choose to travel in from out of state to work with me.

If you don’t live nearby, you’re not alone. I regularly work with couples who:

• Fly in for a 1–3 day intensive

• Stay at a nearby hotel or rental so they can fully immerse in the work

• Use the time away from home to step out of their usual routines and really focus on their relationship

If that’s you, we’ll talk through:

• Logistics (travel days, start and end times, where to stay)

• How to prepare emotionally and practically

• What to share with kids, family, or friends about your time away

You don’t have to have all of this figured out before reaching out. Part of my job is to help you decide whether an intensive is a good fit and, if so, to make the process as grounded and manageable as possible.

What Happens After an Intensive?

An intensive can be a powerful turning point, but it’s not the end of the journey.

Afterward, we’ll talk about what ongoing support might look like, which could include:

• Continued intensive couples sessions to keep integrating what you started in the intensive

• Individual therapy for one or both partners

• Working alongside a local therapist near you, if you’re from out of town

The intensive creates a foundation: shared language, understanding, and initial repair. The next phase is about living those changes out in daily life.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you’re reading this because you’ve had an affair, or because you just discovered your partner has, I want you to know:

• You’re not the only couple who has been here.

• Your pain and confusion make sense.

• You’re allowed to get help, even if you’re not sure yet whether you want to stay together.

Whether you’re looking for ongoing couples therapy or feel like you need the deeper support of a couples intensive—even if that means flying in from out of state—you don’t have to figure this out on your own.

If you’d like to explore what working together might look like, you’re welcome to reach out and schedule a brief consultation. We can talk about where you are, what you’re hoping for, and whether an intensive or weekly couples therapy would be the best next step for you.

Relationships can be repaired, and that shame can go away, but the first step is asking for help. If you could use some support and want to begin the process of understanding your behavior, give me a call at (909) 600-0306, and we can talk about ways therapy can help. 

The Right Way to Apologize

Is my teen Depressed?

Pimples, boyfriends, social media, the high school drama. Today’s teens have it pretty rough. You may find yourself asking, “Is this normal teenage moodiness or something else?”

With the surge of hormones, rapidly changing feelings, and social obsession the teenage years can be challenging.

It may be hard to tell if what your teen is feeling is normal teenage behavior.

Between 15 to 20 % of teens experience depression before adulthood, and less than half of these teens are being treated for depression. Untreated depression in teens can have many negative long-term effects. Teens with prolonged depression are at greater risk of suicide, are less likely to complete high-school, and may lead the teen to developpoor self-confidence and low self-esteem.   

Many times depression in teens is overlooked because it is confused with being “a part of the teenage process.”

Depression in teens is very different from teenage moodiness.

Signs of depression in teens :

If you aren’t sure if what your teen is feeling is really depression or normal teenage moodiness, the following list includes key signs of major depression in teens. You can use this list to help you determine if your teen may need some extra help.

• Your teen is cutting or engaging in other self harm behaviors.

• Someone in you family has depression or other mental problems.

• Your teen’s not doing well in school, is less social, or has quit hobbies or recreational activities.

• Your teen has thoughts of suicide, or a history of suicide attempts.

• Your teen thinks they are worthless and often focuses on their flaws or negative traits.

• Your teen’s sleeping and eating patterns have significantly changed.

• Your teen is experiencing anxiety and often feels overwhelmed.

• Others, including yourself, have noticed an obvious change in your teen’s personality.

• Your teen has reported feelings of sadness or depression lasting longer than a 2 week period.

• Your teen recently experienced a significant life stressor including the loss of a love one, family life conflict, abuse or trauma, or issues with gender/sexual orientation.

Teens who seek counseling for depression are less likely to be affected by long-term depression and report a greater sense of well-being. Therapy for teen’s with depression can reduce many negative side effects including substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide, other high risk behaviors.

If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, or you believe you are at risk, seek further consultation.  This checklist is not intended to be used in leu of professional assistance, and a diagnosis can not be made without proper consultation with a mental health professional.  For more information visit www.RanchoCounseling.com or contact Raquel Buchanan, MA. at (818) 839-2032.